The Person in a Different Skin

A woman shopping for groceries noticed an employee, a teenager, staring at her and her two small children. She was used to the attention, as both of her children were adopted and looked vastly different from each other. One had the dark chocolate skin of her Haitian parents and the other, a boy who hailed from Russia, was lightly complected with blonde hair. “Those your kids?” the youth eventually asked.

The proud mother answered, “Yes, they are!”

“They adopted?” he continued.

“Yes.”

“I thought so,” he surmised. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”

I don’t imagine the young man meant any disrespect; it was an observation. He was struck by the age difference between the children and their mother, but didn’t seem to give much regard to what would have seemed obvious to others - the different races of the children. I find it gratifying in that our world has been shaped far too long by values we place on skin color.

I’m reminded of an email I received from a reader, Jeanne Green, who told me she is Caucasian and is married to a man of another race. They raised two mixed-race children, a boy and a girl. Their girl had no problem growing up biracial, but it was more difficult for her boy. He wrote a paper in school about living in a world that too often only pays attention to color.

"I am a person who was born to live in a skin with a different color from yours.

Thus, the color pigments embedded by the unchangeable hands of nature in your skin are perchance white while mine are black or brown or yellow.

But underneath I am just like you.

My muscles ripple in the same waves of power and thrill to the same throb of joyous action.

My mind has the same functions as yours.

I reach out, just the same as you do, in aspirations of the soul.

I love and hate, hope and despair, rejoice and suffer along with you. 

When my children lose their fair chances at life and become aware of the bitter road of prejudice they must tread, then I know what my color has cost. 

I offer you my hand in rebuilding an unjust world that you and I can make better than we found it. 

I am the person in a different skin." 

Mahatma Gandhi accurately said, “Our ability to reach unity in diversity will be the beauty and the test of our civilization.” My only question is, will we pass that test?

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Defence Images (used by permission)

Your Most Valued Strength

I learned of a research organization that asked several thousand people, “What are the most serious faults of executives in dealing with their associates and subordinates?” Several could be chosen. What do you think was mentioned most often? Here is the list of black marks against bosses:

• 15% Bias and letting emotions rule.
• 15% Indecision.
• 21% Miscellaneous; including lack of courtesy, sarcasm, jealousy, nervousness and loss of temper.
• 17% Failure to delegate authority.
• 17% Arrogance.
• 17% Arbitrariness.
• 19% Lack of frankness and sincerity.
• 24% Lack of leadership.
• 34% Failure to size up employees correctly.
• 36% Failure to show appreciation or give credit.
• 68% Failure to see the other person’s point of view.

The fault cited most often, as the survey shows, was failure to see the other person’s point of view. It was mentioned nearly twice as often as the next most common problem.

On a more positive side, the strength most valued in the workplace is the ability to understand another. And I suspect that strength rates high in all relationships. We don’t always need others in our life to agree with us, but we do need to feel heard and understood. In fact, feeling understood may well be one of our greatest emotional needs. Without it, we can feel disheartened, we believe we don’t matter and we find ourselves increasingly unhappy and lonely.

Grade school children demonstrate this important human need to be heard and understood. It has been observed that many school children will seldom talk about personal problems with their teachers or the school principal for fear of consequences. But...in which of the adults at school do these same children confide most often? The school custodian. Here is a person who will often listen without judging. Here is someone safe, someone who understands.

Think of understanding as “standing under” another person. We stand under in order to learn. We stand under so we can see things their way. We stand under so we may know what it is like to live in their shoes. And when we stand under, we understand.

It’s a universal principle: when we habitually decide to be understanding, our lives are never the same again.

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Peter Toporowski

Bridges to the Heart

I recently learned of a research organization that asked several thousand people, “What are the most serious faults of executives in dealing with their associates and subordinates?” (By the way, this also applies to teachers dealing with their students and parents with their children.) Several faults could be chosen. What do you think was mentioned most often? 

Sixty eight percent of the respondents said the biggest problem they see in the workplace is a consistent failure to see the other person's point of view. In fact, that was mentioned twice as often as anything else.

Apparently, the people they value most in the workplace are those who try to understand others. And we know that is true in all kinds of relationships. We don’t always need others to agree with us, but we do need to feel heard. We need them to at least understand what we are saying. In fact, feeling heard may well be one of our greatest emotional needs. Without it, we can feel disheartened, we believe we don’t matter and we find ourselves increasingly unhappy and lonely.

Grade school children demonstrate this important human need to be heard. In some schools, children seldom talk about personal problems with their teachers or the school principal for fear of consequences. But do you know which adult in the school they sometimes feel safest talking to? The school custodian. Often, the custodian is a person who will listen without judging; an adult who won’t discount what was said.

And something amazing can happen: when we decide to try to hear another’s point of view, we make allies out of enemies and friends out of strangers. It’s a way of building strong emotional bridges between people. Not just any bridges, either - bridges to the heart.

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: flickr.com/David Schroeder 

How It Feels to Be Hooked

It was the late 1940s. Eastern Airline’s chair, Captain Eddie Rickenbacker, had a problem. Customers were complaining because the airline was mishandling luggage far too often. When nothing else seemed to work, he decided to take drastic action. 

Rickenbacker called a special meeting of the management personnel in Miami. Eastern’s management flew to Miami and was told their baggage would be delivered to their hotel rooms. It wasn’t. Instead, Rickenbacker had the luggage stored overnight.

It was a hot and humid summer and the muggy hotel had no air-conditioning. Various corporate managers showed up to the meeting the next morning unshaven, teeth unbrushed and wearing dirty and wrinkled clothes.

There was no sign of the baggage all that day. But it was delivered that night, at 3:00 a.m., with a loud pounding on hotel room doors.

Rickenbacker opened the next morning’s session by saying, “Now you know how the customer feels when you mishandle his luggage.” He knew his team would be ineffective until his people learned to empathize with their customers. 

Psychiatrist Karl Menninger put it like this: “It is hard for a free fish to understand what is happening to a hooked one.” That is why Rickenbacker wanted his employees, starting with his management team, to experience what it is like to be hooked.

When we understand another’s problem, we will be more effective in business and personal relationships. And if we’re ever hooked ourselves and someone who “gets it” reaches out to help, something wonderful is likely to happen.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/ePi.Longo

Look Upon Them As Wounded

After vaccinating a young boy with an injection in the arm, a doctor wanted to stick on a bandage. “Please put it on the other arm,” the boy pleaded.

“Why do that?” the doctor asked. “This will let everyone know you have been vaccinated and they won’t hit your sore arm.”

“Please put it on my other arm! Please!” the boy begged. “You don’t know the kids at my school.”

But the boy did. And wasn’t about to let them at his arm.

Adults, too, are pretty good at hiding pain. Not usually physical pain, but the kind of pain that’s harder to see. They like to appear as if they are in control; they can handle whatever life throws them; they’re on top of it. And, too often, they end up going it alone. No one understands. No one is there to help.

Susan Muto, in her book Blessings That Make Us Be, tells a story of a great ruler who needed a second-in-command to help manage his kingdom. When he finally selected the right person, he took him outside onto a balcony of the palace where they could gaze over all the lands under his jurisdiction. His assistant asked the king, “Master, what must I remember most of all if I am to carry out your wishes?”

“My son,” the king replied, “there is only one directive to follow − and that is to look upon the people as wounded.”

The wise king knew that everyone is in pain in some way. Wounds may not show, but they are there. 

Discover where people hurt and you can reach them. Learn where the invisible bandages are and you’ll know how to help them. How to heal them. 

Look upon them as wounded − and you’ll know what to do.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Andrey Zhukov

The Greatest Compliment

Image by Madhavi Kuram

It is one you can pay to anybody...

The story is told of Franklin Roosevelt, who often endured long receiving lines at the White House. He complained that no one really paid any attention to what was said. 

One day, during a reception, he decided to try an experiment. To each person who came down the line and shook his hand, he murmured, "I murdered my grandmother this morning." The guests responded with phrases like, "Marvelous!” Or, “Keep up the good work.” Or, “We are proud of you. God bless you, sir.”
     
It was not until the end of the line, while greeting the ambassador from Bolivia, that his words were actually heard. Not quite knowing what to say, the ambassador leaned over and whispered, “I'm sure she had it coming.”

There are several reasons that no true listening can ever take place in a fast-paced receiving line. Music, noise and the activity of other people can be distracting. What's more, the purpose of the line is more for a quick greeting rather than concerted listening. And one more thing...folks are more intent on getting out what they want to say to the president than listening to what might be said to them. But I wonder...did they WANT to hear what he had to say?

All my life I've carried a mental picture of my uncle the way I saw him so many times – stooped over, head bowed low, intently listening to whomever he was chatting with. He was a tall and big man and a bit hard of hearing. The reason for his unusual posture was no doubt to get his ear closer to the speaker's mouth, but it gave the illusion that, for a few minutes at least, he wanted nothing more than to listen carefully to every word the other had to say. 

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” The way my uncle listened was as if he were paying the speaker a supreme compliment. His body language said, “Here, let me get a little closer and listen. I truly want to hear what you have to say.”

The key to good listening isn't technique, it's desire. Eye contact is helpful. So is asking pertinent questions, paraphrasing to be sure you understand, refraining from interrupting or changing the subject – all of these techniques are helpful. But the best way to ensure that you will listen well isn't in HOW you listen, it's mostly in simply wanting to understand.

I believe that is the crucial question: do we WANT to understand? Until we truly want to understand the other person, we'll never listen well. 

-- Steve Goodier

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Losing the Desire to Judge

Image by Ahmed Al-Shukaili

“Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings,” says writer Margaret Halsey, “they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.” That's funny, and more true than I care to admit. It must have been so with members of the US Congress in the early 20th Century. Many of them seemed less concerned with their own piddling shortcomings and preferred to wail about a staring defect in the senator from the state of Utah, Reed Smoot. So outraged were they, Smoot almost was not seated in the senate.

Reed Smoot was a leader in the Mormon (LDS) Church and, back in those days, his church was accused of secretly allowing the practice of plural marriages (polygamy). Although Smoot had only one wife, some of the more sanctimonious members of the senate argued that he should not be seated, given the beliefs of his church.

But the issue was settled when Senator Boies Penrose of Pennsylvania strode to the podium and looked directly at some of his colleagues who, though married, were known to “womanize.” He stated emphatically, “As for me, I would prefer to have seated beside me in the Senate a polygamist who doesn’t polyg than a monogamist who doesn’t monog.” End of matter.

I understand there are times we have to be discerning. But I don't want to be known as a judging person. There is good and bad in all of us and I have plenty to work on in my own life.
  
Besides, I think Mother Teresa got it right when she said: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.  And, it should be added, if you love people, you have no desire to judge them. Substitute the word “love” with the words “understand” or “know,” and it works just as well. If you understand people, if you know them, truly know them, you have no desire to judge them.

Losing the desire to judge – now that can change a life.

– Steve Goodier 

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What People Need Is a Good Listening-To

Image by Yogee B

Two psychiatrists met at their 20th college reunion. One was vibrant and enthusiastic. He looked younger than his years. The other appeared withered and fatigued and walked with the stoop of the aged. "So what's your secret?" the tired-looking psychiatrist asked. "Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger-looking one replied, "Who listens?"

Unfortunately, that is too often a problem with the rest of us, isn't it? Who listens? I mean, REALLY listens?

I received a letter from a woman who lives in New York. She explained that her 22-year-old electrician son Joe went to Manhattan a few days after the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center buildings. He wanted to volunteer his time, but discovered that his skills were not needed.

But it turns out that Joe was able to help in a way he never anticipated. For on the train ride home, he sat across from a weary firefighter who was also traveling home from the scene of the disaster. The firefighter was covered in what appeared to be "ground zero" dirt and debris. Though Joe could see bits of rock in the man's hair and noticed that his hands were bloody, what worried the young man most was the look in the firefighter's eyes. They appeared lifeless and dull.

Then the man, apparently in shock, began to talk and Joe listened. Joe soon forgot his own disappointment about not being able to volunteer his skills that day as he listened to the gruesome story the firefighter related.

The man told about retrieving a shoe with a foot inside. Joe listened. He talked about cleaning debris from a face, then discovering that this person's body was gone. Joe continued to listen without flinching. He did not react in disgust. He did not judge. He did not interrupt. He just listened.

He listened as the firefighter lamented about the carnage everywhere and about shoes...there were so many shoes, he said. Everywhere...shoes.

Through it all Joe quietly held the man's attention and listened, which is exactly what the rescue worker needed at that moment. And because he listened, the man continued to speak. He talked his pain out, as much as possible. In the presence of a stranger, he tried to put his world back in order, to make sense of the day's chaos. And Joe, for that time at least, helped him carry his unbelievably heavy burden.

That day Joe did not give blood, nor did he use his electrical skills to help with the relief effort. But he did one of the most important things a human can do for another. He gave a stunned and disheartened man his whole attention, and thereby, in a small but vital way, assisted in the work of setting the world right.

Mary Lou Casey says, "What people really need is a good listening-to." It's not always easy. And, at times, it may not be fun. In fact, listening closely to another often turns out to be difficult work. But day in and day out, attentive listening may be one of the most important and satisfying ways we can spend our time.

It's true. What people really need is a good listening-to.

– Steve Goodier

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Love Is Understanding

Image courtesy of Omar Franco

Do you know what the most common craving is among pregnant women? (I'm sure this is factual.) The most common craving among pregnant women is not spicy food, pickles or ice cream. Not even close. It is for MEN to get pregnant.
 
Why? Because then they would know what it is like. Then they might be more patient. What most women need during times of cravings, discomfort, swollen ankles and morning sickness is...understanding. Much of our conflict is the result of MISunderstanding.
 
As a new bride, one woman moved into the small home on her husband's ranch in the mountains. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
 
For 50 years he left the box alone, until his life partner was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
 
Opening it, he discovered two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
 
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
 
Her husband was touched that in 50 years she'd only been upset enough to make two doilies. "What about the $82,500?" he asked.
 
She explained, "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
 
Making doilies might take your mind off the problem, but nothing will change if you don’t address it. The path from conflict to love is not by way of arts and crafts, it is through the gates of conversation and understanding.
 
You've heard it said: "Love is patient and kind." Patient and kind, yes, but love is also understanding. Maybe that’s what makes it so lovely.
 
-- Steve Goodier

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The Humps We See in Others

I don’t know about you, but I don’t spend a great deal of time worrying about how I appear to other people. I know I’m not perfect. Far from it. But I figure that there is an upside to my own flaws, faults and imperfections: for one thing, they seem to bring joy to others. Maybe that’s reason enough not to over-polish.

Or maybe it’s just that I underestimate the seriousness of my own shortcomings. I might be like the man who was driving a car with a bumper sticker that read, “Hang up and drive.” A police officer was pleased to spot the sticker, as she had witnessed too many accidents caused by motorists talking on cell phones. Wanting to signal her approval to the driver, she pulled up alongside the car. But when she glanced over, she was dismayed to see him peering into his rear-view mirror and shaving. 

At least he wasn’t talking on his mobile phone.

Maybe it is just easier to spot the flaws in others. It’s like the camel. An African proverb states, “The camel never sees its own hump, but that of its brother is always before its eyes.” I probably don’t see my own humps very clearly. Or, as writer Margaret Halsey once said, “Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters.”

So I can appreciate the story of an elderly couple who, while on an automobile trip, stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The woman left her eye glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. And, of course, it was difficult to turn around by then. Her husband fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant about her “always leaving her glasses” behind. They finally arrived, and as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, “While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too.”

Psychologist Carl Jung puts a powerful spin on this phenomenon of seeing other’s faults more clearly than our own. He teaches that “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Or, put another way, the humps we can’t help but seeing in others are a lot like the humps others see in us. Or, perhaps they are like the humps we see in ourselves.

So, what would happen if we’d look at other people’s faults and humps as a gift? After all, they’re teaching us about ourselves.

And that’s what makes us different from camels.

-- Steve Goodier


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To Remember Is to Understand

Does this sound familiar?

James was cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from a shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. He felt sure the shoes would not still be there, but decided to stop by and check anyway.

He handed the ticket to the man behind the counter, who scowled at the date. "Just a minute," said the clerk. "I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a back room.

After a few minutes, the clerk called out, "What do you know – here they are!"

"That's terrific!" said James, hardly believing his good fortune.

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said.

I hope James is the patient sort.

We should all be masters of patience; after all, we've had plenty of practice. But mustering patience with unreasonable people (including ourselves) may seem more than we can manage some days.

I heard about an elderly patient in an American hospital who was recovering from a medical procedure. He decided to take a look at his recovery-room record attached to the bed frame. He leafed through the pages, then stopped at one particular notation and furled his brow in consternation.

"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said apologetically to his nurse. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

She glanced to the spot where he pointed. “Don’t worry,” she said. “SOB doesn’t mean what you think. It stands for ‘short of breath.’”

But I suspect that in some cases it does have a double meaning. Especially if the patient is in pain, fearful or just plain out of sorts. (And that probably goes for some of the hospital staff, too.)

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher once said, “I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.” But we don’t always get our own way. And patience can be taxed beyond reason.

Where does understanding come from when it feels as if there is nothing left?

I've learned that it can come from the simple act of remembering. To remember is to understand. It is not about gritting one’s teeth and forcing oneself to be more patient. It is actually easier than that.

Do you remember what it was like to be a child? No parent should ever forget. And to remember is to understand.

Do you remember what it was like to be a student? Every teacher should try to remember, and especially if they feel frustrated.

Do you remember what it is like to be a patient? Doctors and nurses show more empathy after they have also spent time in a hospital bed.

Do you remember what it was like to be lonely? To be first? To be last? To fail? To succeed? To be afraid? To remember is to understand.

And to understand is to be patient.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/steve: they can't all be zinge

Millennium Dream

The daughter of comedian Groucho Marx was once denied admittance to an exclusive country club swimming pool with her friends because she and her family were not members. Realizing what had happened, embarrassed officials sent the Marx family an apology and an application to join. Groucho declined the invitation with the comment, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”

Someone still tried to smooth over the incident by persuading the comedian to allow an application to be submitted for membership. The country club was embarrassed further when the application was denied. The reason? The Marx family was Jewish and the club was “restricted.”

True to form, Groucho wrote back: “My wife is not Jewish. Can she go swimming and let our daughter wade up to her waist?”

I love his use of humor, but Groucho effectively shines a spotlight on the prevalence and absurdity of prejudice. He must have felt, as did Sir Isaac Newton so many years earlier, that we “build too many walls and not enough bridges.”

I yearn for a time when we courageously break down those walls that divide and build wide bridges between one another. I long for a super-highway of compassion and acceptance spanning our differences that will unite us as one. As we ease into a new millennium, I dream of an age when people will finally be connected heart to heart and mind to mind.

My greatest desire is that we somehow learn what it means to be family.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Ryan Ebelt

Who's Your Best Friend?

Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two stores in Oklahoma (USA), because he missed his old cell mates. Police said they'd see if James could be reunited with his buddies.

But I think Mr. Knapp might have said something worth listening to. We need friends, no matter where we find them.

And do you know who your best friend is? Automaker Henry Ford was having lunch with a man, when he suddenly asked the man that very question. "Who is your best friend?" Ford asked.

The man hesitated and Ford went on. "I'll tell you who your best friend is," he said. Then he wrote this sentence for the man to read: "Your best friend is he who brings out the best that is within you." Our best friends are those who do more than simply like us. They also believe in us. They support us but, occasionally, they nudge us as well.

Someone put it well: "A friend is someone who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, and still, gently invites you to grow.

"Now...who is your best friend?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/emre nacigil

Keeping the Motor Idling

I relate well to the comment made by speaker Barbara Johnson: "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears." I know that if I can keep the motor idling, it will be ready to go when I need it.

A kindergarten teacher practiced keeping her motor idling. A story has it that she was helping one of her students put his snow boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, they finally succeeded and she had by now worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."

She looked and, sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, and then she had to wrestle the stubborn boots on again.

Just as she finished lacing them he announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue to keep from screaming, "Why didn't you say so?"

Once again she struggled to pull off the ill-fitting boots. He then calmly added, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them." She began to realize how close she was to stripping her gears as she struggled with the boots yet again.

When they were finally laced, she said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots," he said.

She may have been the same teacher who once commented about a particularly difficult child in her class, "Not only is he my worst behaved child this year, but he also has a perfect attendance record.

A Dutch proverb observes, "A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains." I may never have to worry about having a bushel of brains, but I can sometimes muster a handful of patience. And that should be enough.

-- Steve Goodier

Photo: flickr.com/Erin Sweeney