Retaliate in Kindness

I’m told the story is true. One woman sued her husband for divorce. She told the judge she had nagged and nagged, but she couldn’t get him to do right.

The judge wondered if she had tried using kindness. Referring to the biblical passage which says that when we show kindness to our enemy it is like heaping “burning coals on his head,” he asked her if she had tried heaping coals on his head.

She answered, “No, but I don’t think it will work. I already tried scalding water and that didn’t do any good.”

I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

But who hasn’t felt frustrated with another? Who hasn’t wanted to strike out more than reach out? But revenge is never as sweet as we imagine it to be. And besides, when we fight fire with fire, everybody is likely to get burned.

You may have seen signs prohibiting weapons. And isn’t the most dangerous weapon, and one which we all own, our tongue? We have painfully experienced the damaging power of words. Unkindness of any form can bite and sting and do devastating damage.

Next time you get upset, try retaliating in kindness, not in kind. Turn your anger into an assault of good will. Use your tongue as an instrument of peace. 

It is the only way we will heal the world.

--Steve Goodier

When Your Words Distract

Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk and ordered sharply, “I demand pandemonium!” The class quieted down immediately. “It isn’t what you demand,” she later explained, “but the way you demand it.”

It isn’t always what you say, but the way you say it. Try saying, “I love you,” with a scowl.

When I write, I try to be careful about the words I use. But most of the time, great communication isn’t about choosing great words. One marriage counselor sometimes asks couples who have difficulty communicating to forget words altogether and take 20 minutes to simply look into each other’s face and be silent together. They may see what they have missed: hurting eyes, longing hearts, unfulfilled dreams, unmet needs, or a yearning to love and be loved. They learn that deep communication, which may be the most effective kind of communication, is more than words. We communicate through our eyes, our expressions, our attentiveness, our gestures, our body language and most important of all -- our actions.

An international tourist came upon a group of people listening to an orator in the central square of a small European town. The speaker shouted from a makeshift podium. At one point, his arms waved about wildly, his stern face turned red and the veins in his neck bulged and throbbed.

Since he could not speak the language, the now curious tourist asked a man next to him what the speaker was ranting about. The man pointed to a church spire in the distance and said, “See that church steeple? The fellow who is speaking in the square is the pastor of that church. Right now he is preaching about the love of God.”

By watching him, who would know? And I wonder what kind of sermon he’d preach if he chose not to use any words at all. I suspect he may communicate something quite different...but might it possibly even be closer to the heart of God? Perhaps that beloved 12th-13th Century friar Francis of Assisi got it right. It’s said he once instructed his brother friars to go into the village and preach about the love of God to everyone they encountered. Then he added, “Use words if necessary.”

As I endeavor to share what’s in my heart, I try never to forget Francis’ instructions: use words if necessary. But what do you do when your words seem a distraction to what you really want to say? Can you say it anyway? Try it -- with no words at all. Something beautiful just might happen.

-- Steve Goodier

Share this message with your Facebook friends.

Like us on Facebook where you can find a powerful daily quote. 

Letting the Yeast Work Its Magic

Carefully examining a display in the drugstore, a man asked the pharmacist, "Do you really guarantee this hair-restorer?"

The pharmacist responded, "Better than that, sir. We give a comb with every bottle." Wouldn't you love to have that kind of confidence?

One man quipped, "When it comes to believing in myself, I'm an agnostic." One of the greatest problems many people experience is lack of confidence. Some don't believe they “have what it takes,” others are afraid to try something they've never done before, others hang back out of shyness and still others don’t believe they measure up to friends or colleagues.

Of course, those inner fears do not need to define you. Or control you. And one of the simplest ways to banish them is through healthy self-talk. It has taken most of a lifetime, but here are some things I now know about confidence:

• Your words and your thoughts have immense power. Be careful what you think and say.
• Be gentle with yourself. Don’t say you don’t like your body, your looks, your personality. Treat yourself like a good friend. (If you don’t, who will?)
• Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. We all make them. Tell yourself you’ll do better next time and let it go.
• Remember what you do well and don’t worry about the rest. You have a unique contribution to this world.
• Remind yourself that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You may need to tell yourself this many times.
• Tell yourself that your fear will not hold you back. Tell yourself that you can do what you’re afraid to do. Encourage yourself.

Too many of us are not aware of the tremendous power of our words and thoughts. They are yeast in life’s dough. They quietly work deep inside until they eventually change the character of the dough itself. Those who move from fear to confidence, those who believe in themselves and are secure within, have learned to let the yeast of good words and thoughts grow - to work their magic. 

And be assured - they will work their magic. 

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Flickr.com/Stacy (Creative Commons)

No Wrong Time to Say the Right Thing

A cartoon depicts a woman shaking hands with her clergyman as she leaves the church. The caption says, "Thank you for the sermon. It was like water to a drowning man." Some compliments are better left unsaid....

Isn't it true that words carry with them immense power? Power to build up and power to tear down. Such was the case with the words of Mandy (not her real name), a woman who learned that there is no wrong time to say the right thing.

It was a cold, rainy day in March. Across the room in the retail store where Mandy worked, sat Laura, a woman about Mandy's age. Other workers did not like Laura; they thought of her as snobbish and aloof. And Mandy agreed.

But sweeping the bias from her eyes, she made up her mind to say something kind to Laura. Finally, she managed, "Do you know, Laura, that I've worked in this room with you for several years. And whenever I glance up I see your head silhouetted against the window there behind you. I think you have the prettiest profile and hair that I have ever seen on anybody." Her words were not insincere flattery. She meant it.

Laura looked up and began to cry. "That's the first kind word anybody has ever said to me in all the time I've worked here," she said.

Mandy discovered that Laura's aloofness was not due to snobbishness, but shyness. The two became friends. Other workers soon began to include Laura in their activities, and she blossomed like a flower that, for the first time, found sunlight. The right words, spoken in kindness, made all the difference.

Words carry the potential to tear down or to build up. But when they are both sincere and kind, they are instruments that wield great power. Never underestimate the potential and power of your words. 

There is no wrong time to say the right thing. And there is no better time than now.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: www.flickr.com/freeparking

Before You Speak -- THINK

Image by Ivan Prole

I read an article about a Texas woman who sued the producers of the now defunct American reality show "Extreme Makeover" for more than one million dollars. The show depicted ordinary men and women undergoing "extreme makeovers" that involved plastic surgery, exercise regimens, hairdressing and wardrobing. Each episode ended with the participants' return to their families and friends, showing the reactions of their loved ones, who had not been allowed to see the incremental changes during their absence.

The woman came to Los Angeles to be a contestant on the show after undergoing a series of medical exams to determine if her crooked teeth and droopy eyes could be fixed and her small breasts enhanced. They determined she might be a good candidate for their extreme makeover techniques and signed her on.

To prepare for the show, the producers sent a crew to her home to interview the woman and her family. The suit claims the Extreme Makeover crew manipulated the contestant's sister into making blunt and cruel statements on camera disparaging her sister's looks, presumably for more dramatic effect on television.

But the night before the woman's makeover was to begin, the show's producers told her it would take too long for work on her jaw to heal and she would not be able to participate as a makeover recipient. They canceled her appearance and she returned home to her distraught sister who had made the hurtful remarks. The sister was so upset over what she had said, she eventually took her life, according to the suit. The lawsuit was eventually settled out of court.

There are few things in this world as powerful as words. Too late this family learned that, once hurtful words have been spoken, they can never be retrieved.

We're told that architect Frank Lloyd Wright had his own ideas on the power of words. He once said, “I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” (That gives me pause each time I sit down to write.)

But words alone can affect great good as well as evil. A few apt words have swept candidates into office, ended as well as started wars, paved the way for peace and carried with them both hope as well as despair. Words alone have ruined lives, but have also brought forth healing. It is well known the harm words can cause, but the good they can bring is equally impressive.

Your words of encouragement at the appropriate time can lift a person from hopelessness or build a lasting bridge of friendship. They seem little things, but carry with them tremendous power.

Here is some of the best advice I've come across concerning how we use words.
 
Before you speak (before you write): THINK.
     T    is it True?
     H    is it Helpful?
     I     is it Inspiring?
     N    is it Necessary?
     K    is it Kind?

Your words have immeasurable power. Use them with care.

– Steve Goodier

SHARE this message on Facebook.

"LIKE US" on Facebook and get a powerful quote every day on your FaceBook page.

Finding the Right Words

Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to find the right words?

It was once said that Al Smith, former governor of New York, was making his first inspection of Sing Sing prison. The warden asked him if he might say a few words to the prisoners.

The governor began, "My fellow citizens." But he suddenly felt confused about whether the inmates may have forfeited their citizenship. So he took a second stab at it: "My fellow convicts.” There was a roar of laughter and now he became flustered. He gallantly tried a third time: "Well, anyhow, I'm glad to see so many of you here." There is no record of what he said after that.

I have frequently struggled to find the right words. And there are times I am certain the right words do not even exist. Like when I’m trying to say something hopeful or comforting in a particularly frightening situation.

More than once I have been called to a hospital emergency room or to be with a family surrounding the bed of a dying relative. And more than once I’ve been at a loss for words. What is the right thing to say at a time like that? What can I say that doesn’t sound hollow or trite or like I’m just not in touch with the feelings of others who are hurting?

A lot of us really don’t know what to say at these times. And too often the professionals who work daily with people on the ragged edge of hope have become so desensitized they have lost any ability to comfort.

A wise obstetrician at a university teaching hospital once made a comment about comforting those who suffer. Someone asked the doctor what advice he offered his students, future doctors and nurses, when caring for mothers who gave birth to stillborn infants.

The doctor paused for a moment in thought. Then he said this: "I tell them that they need two eyes. One eye is not enough; they need two eyes. With one eye they have to check the I.V. And with the other eye they have to weep. That's what I tell them," he said. "I tell them that they need two eyes."

That may be some of the wisest advice I’ve ever heard. We may not always need to figure out what to say; we really only need two eyes. In Emily Dickinson’s words, “Saying nothing... sometimes says the most.” And this from a poet whose life was all about finding exactly the right words.

I agree with the doctor – empathy goes a long way. And somehow finding the ability to feel, even for a few moments, what another is feeling may speak more loudly than the best words I can choose. It speaks to the fact that I care; I understand. It says that I am willing to share their pain so they do not feel so alone. It says I want to be fully present with them and to walk alongside of them, difficult as it may be. My presence is something they can draw real strength and hope from.

Come to think of it, maybe Dickinson did get it right: saying nothing... sometimes says the most. And saying nothing at all may be saying just the right words.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/John Greene