Love? Or Romance?

An old story reminds us of the humor of romance. A man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under the other arm and a basket on his head. He came to a crossroads and didn’t know which way to turn. While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.

“Please, ma’am, I’m on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m on my way there, too. We’ll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we’re right there.”

He said, “Wait a minute...down here, turn left and left again? Couldn’t we save a lot of time by walking through these woods?”

She replied, “Yes, we could. But I couldn’t walk through those woods with you. Why...you might try to kiss me!”

“Listen,” he said, “how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under the other arm, and a basket on my head?”

“Well, you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig.”

Where there is love, there’s a way. Although one would be hard-pressed to define a romantic attraction as “love.” They are really not at all the same things. They may have felt a romantic attraction for each other, but that is nothing at all like love. And as nice as it is to keep romance in our lives, in the end, isn’t it love that we are really after?

Writer Marjorie Holmes points out the difference between love and romance: “Romance is seeking perfection; love is forgiving faults. Romance is flying; love is a safe landing.  Romance is the anguish of waiting for the phone to ring to bring you a voice that will utter endearments; love is the anguish of waiting for a call that will assure you someone else is happy and safe. Romance is eager, striving always to appear attractive for each other; love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how they look.”

Authentic love will find many expressions − the kind of love shared by spouses; love felt by longtime friends; love of a parent for a child. Authentic love is deeper than the often-fleeting feeling of being “in love.” And so much better.

Romance is wonderful, but love is essential. How are you filling your life with love?  

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: flickr.com/Petur

Are You Ready for Results?

One woman tells that she worked as an assistant at a jewelry store. She often arranged for engaged couples to have their wedding bands engraved with something special -- the date they met or married, a sentimental phrase, their names or even their wedding vows. She once asked a bride-to-be what she would like inscribed inside her fiancé’s ring.

“We aren’t very romantic,” the young woman replied.  She added that they were marrying on her fiancé’s birthday so he wouldn’t forget the date.

“But isn’t there something you’ll want him to remember as he looks inside his ring?” the assistant wondered.

“There sure is,” she said. And that’s how “Put it back on!” came to be inscribed inside her husband’s ring.

Perhaps she was trying to help along her husband’s commitment to the relationship.

A woman named Catherine, from Scotland, may have wanted to help along her lover’s commitment to their relationship. For several decades actually. Finally, after 44 years of courtship, her 68-year-old boyfriend George proposed. Maybe he was waiting for a convenient time. Maybe he was waiting to get up the nerve. I don’t know.

Catherine, however, was more than understanding about waiting four decades for him to pop the question. “He is a bit shy, you know,” she said.

Author Ken Blanchard says this about commitment: “There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses - only results.”

Is there an area of your life that feels more like an interest than a commitment? Does it deserve more from you? You can be interested in a job, or you can be committed. You can be interested in a relationship, or you can be committed. Interest may get you a paycheck or someone to be with, but commitment can change things. Whether you are pursuing a project, following a dream, changing a habit or preparing for your future, can you get the results you want without commitment?

Maybe the real question is not about how committed you are, but rather -- are you ready for results? 

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Samuel Hearn

Faces of Love

Image courtesy of Vivek Chugh

Science fiction writer Isaac Asimov penned this humorous poem:

“Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me what makes skies so blue,
And I'll tell you why I love you.

Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Tropisms make the ivy twine,
Raleigh scattering make skies so blue,
Testicular hormones are why I love you.”

What happened to that poor man in the romance department?

Actually, I suppose that what he lacks in inspiration he probably makes up for in accuracy. And accuracy is fine, but I like some mystery, too. I don't want to analyze and dissect all of the wonder out of life.

There's something mysterious about a pitch-black sky teeming with shining stars...something that causes my imagination to soar. And what about the mystery of nature? I can think of few things so thrilling as that sense of awe that explodes in my heart when I see a brilliantly blue sky over snow-capped mountain peaks. And the greatest mystery of all – love. What is more mysterious than a deep and almost perfect love felt between two otherwise imperfect people?
   
Love is mysterious. Robert Fulghum says, “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

Perhaps love has many faces. The faces easiest to see are ones of infatuation and romance. We speak of “falling in love” and feel, too, as if we are in free fall. This is the face of love that inspires songs and poetry and romance novels.

But the face of love I appreciate most is not romance, as much as I am drawn to it, but one I can always count on to be there. It is the face of love that looks more like commitment or devotion – devotion of a parent for a child, or of couples who've lived and loved together for years.

This particular face of love is not a magnet that attracts two people to each other, but glue that holds them together for the long term. It is a face of love often seen on parents and grandparents and close friends who have been through good times and bad with one another.

I recall a story about a husband and wife who were engaged in a minor dinnertime disagreement. To the children’s amazement, their father jumped up from the table, grabbed two sheets of paper, and said to his wife, “Let’s make a list of everything we don’t like about each other.”
   
She agreed and proceeded to write. He, meanwhile, sat and glowered. She looked up and he began to write.
   
They finally finished. “Let’s exchange complaints,” he said and they passed their lists across the table.
   
She glanced at his sheet and pleaded, “Give mine back!” All down his sheet he had written: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I presume he gave the paper back, for their children remember that moment with humor and fondness.
   
As much as I enjoy romance, it’s commitment that I need the most. I need to know a love I can depend on, a love that says, “I will be with you through it all. I love you. And I will love you even when you may not be all that lovable, for sometimes I'm not very lovable either. You can count on me - always.”

Maybe love is mysterious, but that kind of love is solid. Rock solid. And, of all the faces of love, it's my favorite.

-- Steve Goodier

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Secrets of Staying in Love

The results are in. I have learned that, after careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named: "Mr. Potato Head." Let me tell you why. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

I don't know if Mr. or Ms. Potato Head is right for you. But I'm not a big believer in the idea that we MUST find a perfect match, anyway. There are plenty of happy people who are not paired with someone else. And there are also plenty who may not say they found Mr. or Ms. Right, but are living quite happily with Mr. Almost Right or Ms. Close Enough.

Marriage and long-term commitments may not be for everyone, but if you plan to be with someone a long time, can you stay in love? Does a lifetime relationship have to seem more like a life sentence? I think we're tempted to believe that real love is a myth, a long-term relationship is a marathon and romance is for kids. Are there secrets to staying in love? Over the long haul?

I believe in love and romance, and I know it can last a lifetime. I also believe there are a few simple things we can do to help our love grow over the years.

For one thing, find time to date. I don’t mean time to rehash the stuff you talk about all week long. Get away and talk about things that matter. Use this as time to focus on one another, not to solve problems or to raise issues. There are other times to bring up difficult subjects.

Next, understand what delights the other and make it happen. "The romance is over," says Marlys Huffman, "when you see a rosebush and start looking for aphids instead of picking a bouquet." What makes him laugh? What brings her pleasure? And what can you do today to delight each other?

Also, remember why you got together in the first place. When you focus first on his faults you're not thinking about his strengths. When you're busy pointing out her imperfections, you're not enjoying those qualities that attracted you to her initially. Choose to appreciate that which first drew you together and remember it often.

And always – plan enough time for fun. And don’t always plan times for fun -- be spontaneous. Laugh. Go places. Play.

A woman from Charleston, South Carolina was overheard to remark that it was her 53rd wedding anniversary. When asked if she planned a special celebration, she smiled and said softly, "When you have a nice man, it really doesn't matter." I suspect they learned the secrets of staying in love.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/iamkev

When You Say, "I Love You"

Just as the delivery van pulled away from the florist, the manager came running out. There was a cancellation on one of the orders, and he needed it back.

"Which one?" asked the driver.

"The one that reads 'Darling, I will love you forever.'"

They wanted it back? What happened to I'll love you forever?

When we “fall in love,” who doesn’t feel that it will last forever? But we change. And as we do, our love changes, too.

Do you remember the touching interchange between Tevye and Golde in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof”?

“Do you love me?” Tevye asked his wife.

“Do I what?” Golde responded.

“Do you love me?”

“Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town, you are upset, you are worn out, go inside, go lie down, maybe its indigestion.”

“Golde, I’m asking you a question. Do you love me?”

“You’re a fool.”

“I know, but do you love me?”

“For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why speak of love right now? I’m your wife,” she said.

“But do you love me?”

Now Golde becomes reflective. “For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is?”

“Then you love me?”

“I suppose I do.”

“It’s nice to know.”

And it IS nice to know, for twenty five years is a long time. Time enough for things to change. Time enough to quit.

My wife and I were married when we were young. And I have to say, I don’t love her like I used to. I’ve changed, and so has she. Enough years will do that. We’ve been through ups and downs. We grew older. And I my feelings for her grew older, too.

The relationship feels more secure now. I think it is a better love than years ago – more enduring. More solid. Like the two of us, our love grew up.

And maybe she could live the rest of her life without saying, “I love you.” I know how she feels. But she says it anyway.

And it’s nice to know.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Sh4rp_i