Through It All

A student was asked to write an essay about the Quakers. He wrote: “The Quakers are very meek, quiet people who never fight or answer back. I think my father is a Quaker. Not my mother.”

Some people, like his mother, may be more verbal during conflict. Others may want to quietly mull the problem over a bit before talking about it. But conflict is a natural and even healthy part of relationships. It is especially important to resolve differences with people we care about and, when conflict is handled correctly, it can actually bring us closer together. 

Author and counselor, Charlie Shedd, reports getting this note on the kitchen counter after some unresolved conflict with his wife: “Dear Charlie, I hate you. Love, Martha.”
 
What an interesting note! She told him she was angry, but she told him something else, too. She told him that, in spite of her present feelings, she loved him. Through it all, she was saying, she will always love him. 

A basic commitment to love one another is the foundation upon which caring relationships are built. When in conflict with those closest to you, that decision to love – through it all – is vital. No technique, no amount of training, however important, will do more to get you through those tough times.

-- Steve Goodier

No Regrets

Not many people have heard of Bill Havens. But Bill became an unlikely hero of sorts – at least among those who knew him best. Here is his story:

At the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, the sport of canoe racing was added to the list of international competitions. The favorite team in the four-man canoe race was the United States team. One member of that team was a young man by the name of Bill Havens.

As the time for the Olympics neared, it became clear that Bill’s wife would give birth to their first child about the time that the US team would be competing in the Paris games. In 1924 there were no jet airliners from Paris to the United States, only slow ocean-going ships. And so Bill found himself in a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife’s side when their baby was born? Or should he withdraw from the team and remain with his family?

Bill’s wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, competing in the Olympics was the culmination of a lifelong dream. But Bill felt conflicted and, after much soul-searching, decided to withdraw from the competition and remain home where he could support his family. Just four days after the games (at which his brother Bud Havens and the rest of the U.S. canoe crew won three gold, one silver, and two bronze over six events), his son Frank came into the world.

People said, “What a shame.” But Bill said he had no regrets. For the rest of his life, he believed he had made the better decision. 

However, there is an interesting sequel to the story of Bill Havens.…

Frank, the child born to them that year, grew to love canoeing as much as his father did. And at 28-years-old, in 1952, Frank sent his father a cablegram. It came from Helsinki, Finland, where the Olympic Games were being held. The message read: “Dear Dad, thanks for waiting around for me to get born in 1924. I’m coming home with the gold medal you should have won. Your loving son, Frank.”

Frank had set the new world record and took home the gold in the solo 10,000-meter event. He came home with the medal his father had dreamed of winning. Like I said – no regrets.

Thomas Kinkade eloquently said, “When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter... then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor.” Saying yes to the things that really matter might mean you say no to something else you want...but it’s a way to no regrets.

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: Flickr.com/Clare Griffiths

Love? Or Romance?

An old story reminds us of the humor of romance. A man was going to the county fair one day with a pig under one arm and a chicken under the other arm and a basket on his head. He came to a crossroads and didn’t know which way to turn. While he stood there deciding, a young woman approached him, heading the same direction.

“Please, ma’am, I’m on the way to the county fair. Can you tell me which way to go?”

“Yes,” she replied. “I’m on my way there, too. We’ll go right down this way about a mile, turn left about a mile and a half, left again about a mile and we’re right there.”

He said, “Wait a minute...down here, turn left and left again? Couldn’t we save a lot of time by walking through these woods?”

She replied, “Yes, we could. But I couldn’t walk through those woods with you. Why...you might try to kiss me!”

“Listen,” he said, “how could I possibly kiss anybody with a pig under one arm, a chicken under the other arm, and a basket on my head?”

“Well, you could put that chicken on the ground, turn the basket upside down over the chicken, and I could hold that little bitty ole pig.”

Where there is love, there’s a way. Although one would be hard-pressed to define a romantic attraction as “love.” They are really not at all the same things. They may have felt a romantic attraction for each other, but that is nothing at all like love. And as nice as it is to keep romance in our lives, in the end, isn’t it love that we are really after?

Writer Marjorie Holmes points out the difference between love and romance: “Romance is seeking perfection; love is forgiving faults. Romance is flying; love is a safe landing.  Romance is the anguish of waiting for the phone to ring to bring you a voice that will utter endearments; love is the anguish of waiting for a call that will assure you someone else is happy and safe. Romance is eager, striving always to appear attractive for each other; love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how they look.”

Authentic love will find many expressions − the kind of love shared by spouses; love felt by longtime friends; love of a parent for a child. Authentic love is deeper than the often-fleeting feeling of being “in love.” And so much better.

Romance is wonderful, but love is essential. How are you filling your life with love?  

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: flickr.com/Petur

You Are One of Us

Salt Lake City, Utah, is a worldwide center for genealogical research. Even the big department stores sell genealogy supplies.

One newcomer to Salt Lake City, and a non-researcher, got a job as a clerk at one of those big department stores. She received her introduction to genealogy one day when a customer came into the store and asked, “Where do I find the family group sheets?”

The new clerk, with a shocked look on her face, answered, “Family group sheets? All we carry are the king, queen, double and twin-size sheets.”

I suppose family-sized bedding is taking closeness a bit far. But having family or close friends is one of the essential needs of all people. We long for emotional support and intimacy.

Most of us are familiar with studies that have shown that people suffering from cancer or vascular problems have a higher survival rate when they enjoy a strong support system of family and friends. People need people.

Moreover, a supportive wider community can also be important. I remember reading about scores of people who gathered on a California beach one evening, lighting candles and lifting voices in song. Mostly strangers to one another, they came there to grieve the loss of 88 persons who died when a jetliner crashed into the ocean off their coast. They were not even family and friends of the victims − simply concerned residents who cared.

“Your joy, your pain, your loss, your gain − are ours...for you are one of us.” That is the powerful message of community, of family. At its best, even an Internet family can help fill our need for closeness. Your joy, your pain, your loss, your gain − can be shared. You belong. And together, we’ll celebrate what we can. And we’ll get through the rest by hanging on to each other.

Welcome to the family.

-- Steve Goodier

Three Messages Heard in Strong Families

Family expert Nick Stinnett said, “When you have a strong family life you receive the message that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are important. The positive intake of love and affection and respect … gives you inner resources to deal with life more successfully.”

Here is a family that shows us what it is like to receive the messages that you are loved and cared for and that you are important.

Once her kids were in school, one woman decided to go back to school for more education. After several years of hard work and late nights, she finally completed her Master’s Degree program.

Her husband planned a graduation party for her. He invited all of their friends to their home to congratulate his wife on her hard work.

But she turned the tables on him. She got a list of the invitees to her party and called each one. “I’d like to surprise my husband,” she told them. Then she explained what he sacrificed for her to go back to school. He supported her emotionally when she felt like quitting. Much like a single parent, he juggled his own work with picking the children up from school, caring for them in the evenings, shouldering much of the housework and preparing meals for the family. And besides, her education was expensive and the family needed to take out a student loan. “I’d like this to be a surprise party for him instead of a graduation party for me,” she told all of her guests.

So they came with cards and food, all of which he expected. But when he learned that it was all for him, he was stunned! And for her, it turned out to be the greatest graduation party ever.

He told her by his actions and by his willingness to sacrifice that, as Nick Stinnett says, she is loved,  she is cared for and she is important. And this gave her the courage to jump into a demanding program that others may never have attempted.

You are loved...you are cared for...you are important. Where love exists there is warmth. Where everyone’s physical and emotional needs are met, there is safety and security. And where respect for one another is the norm, the mind and spirit can flourish.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

-- Steve Goodier Image: flickr.com/Kannon B

What Children Really Need

Should we chain our children to the bedpost until they reach adulthood? Should we shield them from all negative influences until they can make mature decisions? 

When Dr. Willis Tate was at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, he told of a mother who gallantly tried to protect her son. She wrote a long letter to Dr. Tate about her son who was coming to enroll as a freshman. She wanted the president to make sure that the boy had a “good” roommate who would encourage him to go to church and not use bad language. She did not want the roommate to smoke or otherwise negatively influence her son. 

But the mother’s closing remarks make the letter unforgettable: “The reason all of this is so important is that it is the first time my boy has been away from home, except for the three years he spent in the Marines.”

Parents want to protect their children. But perhaps more importantly, most parents want their children to develop sufficient inner resources to protect themselves in potentially destructive situations. They want to equip them to be independent, to make responsible decisions on their own. 

Educator Leo Buscaglia said, “Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” Which means that, as their children grow into adulthood, parents must gradually learn to give up thinking that they can protect them and learn better ways to be helpful. Maybe their most important job is just to love them. And isn’t love really what children of any age truly need from their parents?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/sarah bruker

What Is the Most Important Thing?

Have you heard about the man who was shopping with his baby boy? The obviously distraught and screaming child sat in the shopping cart.

As the man walked up and down the aisles, he calmly and patiently repeated, "Don't yell, Bobby. Calm down, Bobby. Don't get excited, Bobby."

A woman standing next to him turned and said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying so hard to soothe little Bobby."

The bewildered man looked up and said, "Lady, I'm Bobby!" 

It may seem like more than he can manage at times, but if he’s like most parents, he’s in it for the long haul. Being with his son is a priority. There are certainly easier and, at some times, more pleasurable ways to spend his time, but active parenting may be one of the most important things he can do.

Here is an experiment: Every once in awhile pause and ask yourself, “What is the most important thing I can be doing with my life at this particular time?” Then ask yourself, “Is anything keeping me from doing it?”

Robert Reich did just that. As Secretary of Labor in President Clinton’s administration, Robert B. Reich told of his decision to do something almost unheard of...to resign from his high profile and stressful job. He said, in an article published in the Op-Ed sections of the New York Times and Washington Post, "I have the best job I've ever had and probably ever will. No topping it." It was true. He seemed to love his job. But he added, "I also have the best family I'll ever have, and I can't get enough of them." And there was the problem. He could not give himself to his family and to this particular career at the same time.

So Reich concluded, "I had to choose. I told the boss I'll be leaving, and explained why." His boss, of course, was the president of the United States. And the country took notice. Some people were stunned. Here was a high government official who made a decision to step out of an important and powerful position in order to spend more time at home. But like an old Chinese proverb teaches, “He who chases two rabbits catches none.” 

He was wise enough to figure out what was the most important thing he could do with his life, insightful enough to see that something else was keeping him from doing it, and courageous enough to pick between the two. What if you asked yourself, “What is the most important thing I can be doing with my life at this particular time?” Then follow it up with the question, “Is anything keeping me from doing it?” What changes might you make?

Are you willing to find out?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Wes Peck

What Are We Doing to Our Children?

 

Image by Marg

Karl A. Menninger said, “What's done to children, they will do to society.” 

One proud father said to his little boy, "I've got news for you, my big boy. You are going to have a beautiful baby brother."

"Great!" yelped the little boy. "Where's Mom? I can't wait to tell her!"

His sister, however, wasn't nearly as excited about the arrival. After a few days her father asked, "Aren't you happy about having a new baby brother?"

"Not really," she admitted. "I wanted a little sister so we could play girl games when she got bigger. And we can't give him back. We've used him for five days."

However, she may yet grow to love her little brother. If not now, later.

Psychiatrist Karl A. Menninger spent a lifetime studying mental illness. He observed that “what's done to children, they will do to society.” There is nothing new here. We all know that abused children often become abusers. Children taught to hate or children raised in violence commonly become dangerous and destructive adults.

But there is a positive side, too. Children nurtured in kindness learn the value of understanding. Children taught to be self-sufficient, to respect others, to value education and to build life up rather than to tear it down will become adults capable of leading us to a brighter future. For what's done to children, they will do to society.

An unknown author put it succinctly: "A child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started. He or she is going to sit where you are sitting and attend to those things that you think are important. You may adopt all the policies you please, but how they will be carried out depends on our young people. They will assume control of your duties, states and nation. They are going to move in and take over your churches, schools, universities and corporations. All your books will be judged, praised or condemned by them. The fate of humanity is in their hands. So it might be well to pay young people attention."

What are we doing to our children?

-- Steve Goodier

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Sticking Together

It must be our highest priority.

An old story is told of two men who went fishing in a small boat. The day was uneventful until one of them hooked a huge fish, which, in the struggle, pulled him overboard. He couldn't swim and began to panic.

"Help!" he yelled. "Save me!"

The friend reached over and grabbed the man by the hair to pull him closer to the boat. But when he tugged, the man's toupee came off and he slipped down under the water again.

He came up shouting, "Hey, help me! I can't swim!"

So the friend reached down again and this time latched onto the struggling man's arm. But when he pulled, the arm came off! It was an artificial limb.

The drowning man continued to kick and thrash around and his friend reached out a third time. This time he grabbed a leg and pulled. You guessed it -- a wooden leg.

The man continued splashing and sputtering and calling out, "Help me!" until his friend finally called back in disgust, "How can I help you if you won't stick together?"

And that is a metaphor for each of us. How can people in marriages and families stand a chance when they won't stick together? How can religious communities, civic groups, schools and businesses get anywhere when they won't stick together? And how can a nation or even our global village function well when it won't stick together?

None of us lives in isolation. This experience we call life is a group outing. We're in it together. And some conflict along the way is inevitable. But our highest priority, when all is said and done, has to be commitment to each other – sticking together.          

Archbishop Desmond Tutu put it this way: 

“We are made for goodness. We are made for love. We are made for friendliness. We are made for togetherness. We are made for all of the beautiful things that you and I know. We are made to tell the world that there are no outsiders. All are welcome: black, white, red, yellow, rich, poor, educated, not educated, male, female, gay, straight, all, all, all. We all belong to this family, this human family, God's family.”

I can't say it any more clearly.

-- Steve Goodier

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Love Is Understanding

Image courtesy of Omar Franco

Do you know what the most common craving is among pregnant women? (I'm sure this is factual.) The most common craving among pregnant women is not spicy food, pickles or ice cream. Not even close. It is for MEN to get pregnant.
 
Why? Because then they would know what it is like. Then they might be more patient. What most women need during times of cravings, discomfort, swollen ankles and morning sickness is...understanding. Much of our conflict is the result of MISunderstanding.
 
As a new bride, one woman moved into the small home on her husband's ranch in the mountains. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
 
For 50 years he left the box alone, until his life partner was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
 
Opening it, he discovered two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
 
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
 
Her husband was touched that in 50 years she'd only been upset enough to make two doilies. "What about the $82,500?" he asked.
 
She explained, "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
 
Making doilies might take your mind off the problem, but nothing will change if you don’t address it. The path from conflict to love is not by way of arts and crafts, it is through the gates of conversation and understanding.
 
You've heard it said: "Love is patient and kind." Patient and kind, yes, but love is also understanding. Maybe that’s what makes it so lovely.
 
-- Steve Goodier

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Homeward Bound

I once clipped a funny story from Reader’s Digest submitted by Joanne Mitchell. She wrote, “My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky's dinner. The worst part of this wasn't choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words ‘Thank you for giving me a home.’”

That's a little hard to take. Dinner with Slinky cannot be a mouse’s idea of going home.

Another woman tells of a time when she was at home with her children and the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, reached out for something to hold on to and grabbed the telephone table. It crashed to the floor and jarred the receiver from the cradle. The table fell on top of the family dog, which leaped up barking and howling. The mother’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words and finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear. Before she could answer, she heard her husband's voice over the phone say, “Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number.”

Now that sounds all-too-typical – from peace to pandemonium in about two seconds. Any of us who have raised children or even any of us who WERE children probably get it.

Families today come in all different shapes and sizes. And when peace turns into pandemonium, one may long to get away from it all, at least for a while. But the fact is, we each are born into families and we seem to have an irresistible urge to start new ones. At a deep level I believe we know that the family is just about the most important and probably the most enduring institution ever created. Regardless of what a family looks like, whether or not children are present, home is a place where our souls can finally connect with the soul of another; a place where we can, and should, feel safe, cared for and even special.

In 1688 Johannes Hofer, a Swiss medical student, coined a word to describe an illness whose symptoms include insomnia, anorexia, palpitations, stupor, and, above all, a persistent thinking of home. The word he coined was “nostalgia.” There is a yearning within the human heart to return to that place where we were secure, loved and made to feel important.

Songwriter Paul Simon picks up the feeling when he sings that “every stranger’s face I see reminds me that I long to be homeward bound…”

If we can’t be homeward bound, can we make “home” out of where we are? Home may be as much a state of being as a place. We talk about feeling at home when we feel at peace or when we feel comforted. “I am at home in this place,” we might say. It’s a state of well-being and solace.

If home is as much about attitude as it is about latitude, then we never need feel too far from home. That’s good to know, especially during those times when we find our thoughts homeward bound. Can you make the place you are a space of peace? Can you find comfort in your surroundings and warmth in the company of friends? If so, even if you’re not at the place you live, you will be at home.

-- Steve Goodier

'Ohana Means Family

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them complained of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather. Now – tell me about your family problems."

I don’t know if sorting out your family is a problem. A bigger issue for many of us is that we want more from family life than just knowing who's who, and more than we’re presently getting.

One of the most common complaints I hear from families is that they are not close. They may be close in proximity, but still not feel close as a family. They may live next door or even in the same house, but feel more like strangers.

Hawaiians have a powerful word for family: ‘ohana. In 'ohana, people matter. And they know it. As Lilo says in "Lilo and Stitch, "’Ohana means family. Family means no one is left behind - or forgotten." Families that value closeness work hard to keep anyone from feeling left behind or forgotten.

In my family, closeness is not so much about latitude as about attitude. We live far apart from one another, so we need a willingness to do what it takes. We feel closest when we feel understood, when we feel loved and when we look forward to time we can spend together. When we succeed, no one feels left behind – or forgotten.

A reader in Hawaii once wrote to tell me that the CEO of one of the state's largest banks was considering a run for governor. Since he was well-liked, he seemed to have a good chance of winning.

But, before filing papers, he changed his mind, stating that he wanted to spend more time with his family. Not that elected officials can't be family-oriented, but he reasoned he needed more time at home than the job allowed.

Ronald A. Young, in the "Honolulu Advertiser," praised the decision. "No matter what you accomplish in the business world or the social world," he said, "if you fail 'ohana, then you have not accomplished much. Failure or success does not lie in the material wealth you provide them. It is measured by what of yourself you give to them."

And that’s the question, isn’t it? What of myself do I give to them? What am I willing to give to ‘ohana? Because no one should be left behind – or forgotten.

-- Steve Goodier

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Secrets of Staying in Love

The results are in. I have learned that, after careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named: "Mr. Potato Head." Let me tell you why. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

I don't know if Mr. or Ms. Potato Head is right for you. But I'm not a big believer in the idea that we MUST find a perfect match, anyway. There are plenty of happy people who are not paired with someone else. And there are also plenty who may not say they found Mr. or Ms. Right, but are living quite happily with Mr. Almost Right or Ms. Close Enough.

Marriage and long-term commitments may not be for everyone, but if you plan to be with someone a long time, can you stay in love? Does a lifetime relationship have to seem more like a life sentence? I think we're tempted to believe that real love is a myth, a long-term relationship is a marathon and romance is for kids. Are there secrets to staying in love? Over the long haul?

I believe in love and romance, and I know it can last a lifetime. I also believe there are a few simple things we can do to help our love grow over the years.

For one thing, find time to date. I don’t mean time to rehash the stuff you talk about all week long. Get away and talk about things that matter. Use this as time to focus on one another, not to solve problems or to raise issues. There are other times to bring up difficult subjects.

Next, understand what delights the other and make it happen. "The romance is over," says Marlys Huffman, "when you see a rosebush and start looking for aphids instead of picking a bouquet." What makes him laugh? What brings her pleasure? And what can you do today to delight each other?

Also, remember why you got together in the first place. When you focus first on his faults you're not thinking about his strengths. When you're busy pointing out her imperfections, you're not enjoying those qualities that attracted you to her initially. Choose to appreciate that which first drew you together and remember it often.

And always – plan enough time for fun. And don’t always plan times for fun -- be spontaneous. Laugh. Go places. Play.

A woman from Charleston, South Carolina was overheard to remark that it was her 53rd wedding anniversary. When asked if she planned a special celebration, she smiled and said softly, "When you have a nice man, it really doesn't matter." I suspect they learned the secrets of staying in love.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/iamkev

Love and Time

Writer Gary Jennings said this: “Love and time, those are the only two things in all the world and all of life, that cannot be bought, but only spent.”

I love that. And HOW I spend my love and time is what it is all about.

My work and interests require me to spend probably an inordinate amount of time in front of my computer. At least according to my wife Bev.

She and I were talking one day about death and funerals and what to do with each other’s remains. I asked. “What will you do with my body? Burial? Cremation?”

She answered, “I think I’ll just have you stuffed and propped up in your chair by the computer. That way when I walk through the room I won’t even notice that you’re gone.”

I got the point – too much computer time. And how I spend my time and my love is all important.

The question I ask myself is this: “Do I generously and freely give love and time away – and especially to those closest to me?”

Charles Francis Adams was the United States ambassador to Great Britain during the Lincoln administration. He had the habit of keeping a daily diary. He also taught his son Brooks the value of journaling his activities in a diary.

One memorable day, eight-year-old Brooks recorded, “Went fishing with my father, the most glorious day of my life.” It must have been a glorious day, for the next forty years Brooks repeatedly mentioned it in his diary. It became a life-long memory.

His father also wrote about the fishing trip. His own diary on that pivotal day for his son reads, “Went fishing with my son; a day wasted.”

He didn’t get it. That one single day he generously and freely gave love and time away to Brooks may have been the one of the most important days of his son’s life. Did he feel that, as a United States ambassador, his time was too valuable to be “wasted” with his children? History seems to show that a fishing trip with his son paid huge dividends in Brooks’ life.

I only hope I will spend love and time so well.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/robin ducker

What Is Most Important

Author Erynn Miller said: "It takes a lot of understanding, time and trust to gain a close friendship with someone. As I approach a time in my life of complete uncertainty, my friends are my most precious asset."

I had a friend who felt that way. I sat next to Hal's "death-bed" and thought about the fact that I had known him for over twenty years. Hal knew he was dying and that these next few days would be his last. I held his hand.

We spent time reminiscing about his long and fruitful career as a church pastor. We talked about old friends. We chatted about his family. And I listened as he offered a piece of sage wisdom to someone he believed represented a “younger generation.”

Hal seemed to carefully consider what he was about to say next. Then he squeezed my hand, gazed intently into my eyes and whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, “Nothing is more important than relationships.”

I knew that this utterance somehow mattered a great deal to him. He seemed to consider a lifetime of experiences – personal, professional, spiritual and family – and this one simple observation surfaced above the rest: “Nothing is more important than relationships.”

“Don’t get too caught up in your career,” he said. “And don’t use people just to get what you want, then throw them away. No project, no program, no task - NOTHING - is more important than your friends and family." I never knew Hal that well, but I wondered if he were talking as much to himself as to me.

Remember,” he repeated, “that in the end, only your relationships will matter. Tend them well.”

Writer Og Mandino put it this way: “Beginning today,” he said, “treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

At the end of a long life, my friend Hal would have agreed.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Anya Garrett

Aren't They All Our Children?

There are few things in this life more difficult to experience than the loss of one's child. Jim Wallis, in Who Speaks for God? tells about a sad and terrifying incident that occurred during the tragic war in Sarajevo not too many years back. A reporter who was covering the violence in the middle of the city saw a little girl fatally shot by a sniper.

The reporter threw down his pad and pencil and rushed to the aid of a man who was now holding the child. He helped them both into his car and sped off to a hospital.

"Hurry, my friend," the man urged, “my child is still alive.” A moment or two later he pleaded, "Hurry, my friend, my child is still breathing." A little later he said, "Hurry, my friend, my child is still warm."

When they got to the hospital, the young girl was gone. "This is a terrible task for me," the distraught man said to the reporter. "I must go tell her father that his child is dead. He will be heartbroken."

The reporter was amazed. He looked at the grieving man and said, "I thought she was YOUR child."

The man replied, "No, but aren't they all our children?"

I think that is one of the great questions of our age. Aren’t they all our children? It is a question that deserves an answer.

Aren't they all our children? Those who live under our roof and those who reside with another family? Those to whom we are related as well as those whom we have never known?

Aren't they all our children? Those on our side of the border as well as those on the other side? Those of our nation no more or less than those of another?

Aren’t they all our children? Those who worship like us and those who worship differently? Those who look like us and those who do not?

Aren’t they all our children? The well-educated and the under-educated? The well-fed and the under-fed? Those who are secure and those who are at risk?

Aren’t they all our children? The highly valued and highly esteemed as well as the castaways and the lost?

Aren’t they all our children? Aren’t they all our responsibility? ALL of them? Ours to nurture? Ours to protect? Ours to love?

I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say that the survival of our world hinges on the answer to that question.

To say they are NOT all our children is to condemn the world to more struggle – family against family, group against group, nation against nation.

Aren’t they all our children? If we say yes, can we ever again pit them against each other? "If we have no peace," said Mother Teresa, "it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

Aren’t they all our children?

There may be no greater question for our generation. And how we answer that question will determine the shape of our world for years to come.

-- Steve Goodier

Millennium Dream

The daughter of comedian Groucho Marx was once denied admittance to an exclusive country club swimming pool with her friends because she and her family were not members. Realizing what had happened, embarrassed officials sent the Marx family an apology and an application to join. Groucho declined the invitation with the comment, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”

Someone still tried to smooth over the incident by persuading the comedian to allow an application to be submitted for membership. The country club was embarrassed further when the application was denied. The reason? The Marx family was Jewish and the club was “restricted.”

True to form, Groucho wrote back: “My wife is not Jewish. Can she go swimming and let our daughter wade up to her waist?”

I love his use of humor, but Groucho effectively shines a spotlight on the prevalence and absurdity of prejudice. He must have felt, as did Sir Isaac Newton so many years earlier, that we “build too many walls and not enough bridges.”

I yearn for a time when we courageously break down those walls that divide and build wide bridges between one another. I long for a super-highway of compassion and acceptance spanning our differences that will unite us as one. As we ease into a new millennium, I dream of an age when people will finally be connected heart to heart and mind to mind.

My greatest desire is that we somehow learn what it means to be family.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Ryan Ebelt