What Children Really Need

Should we chain our children to the bedpost until they reach adulthood? Should we shield them from all negative influences until they can make mature decisions? 

When Dr. Willis Tate was at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, he told of a mother who gallantly tried to protect her son. She wrote a long letter to Dr. Tate about her son who was coming to enroll as a freshman. She wanted the president to make sure that the boy had a “good” roommate who would encourage him to go to church and not use bad language. She did not want the roommate to smoke or otherwise negatively influence her son. 

But the mother’s closing remarks make the letter unforgettable: “The reason all of this is so important is that it is the first time my boy has been away from home, except for the three years he spent in the Marines.”

Parents want to protect their children. But perhaps more importantly, most parents want their children to develop sufficient inner resources to protect themselves in potentially destructive situations. They want to equip them to be independent, to make responsible decisions on their own. 

Educator Leo Buscaglia said, “Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” Which means that, as their children grow into adulthood, parents must gradually learn to give up thinking that they can protect them and learn better ways to be helpful. Maybe their most important job is just to love them. And isn’t love really what children of any age truly need from their parents?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/sarah bruker

Looking for the Helpers

Did you know that the Arctic Tern, that lives about seven degrees south of the North Pole, leaves its home every year and flies all the way to Antarctica and back -- some 23,000 miles in all?

It flies all that distance and returns to just the same spot it left the year before. I can hardly drive across town without getting lost -- how does the little bird do it? Twenty three thousand miles! Instinctively, the Arctic Tern flies halfway around the globe, returns home every year and never makes a wrong turn.

Other animals have a similar ability. It’s well known that the salmon leaves her little mountain stream as a fingerling and swims, perhaps hundreds of miles, to the ocean where she lives most of her life. Then, when it's time to lay eggs, she swims back to her place of birth. She somehow finds just the right river, and all of the correct tributaries and streams and creeks until she arrives home. It's the trip of a lifetime -- one she may not survive. But she presses on, somehow knowing just the right paths to take along the way. Like the Arctic Tern, the salmon somehow knows the way.

When I was a child my family visited the World’s Fair in Seattle. I think my parents knew me well, because shortly after we arrived they pointed out the Space Needle in the distance. “Do you see the Space Needle?” they asked. “You can see it from anyplace at the fair. If you should get separated from us or lost, just go to the Space Needle and sit down. We will come and find you.”

Unlike the tern and the salmon, I had no built-in navigation system. It wasn’t long before I turned around and discovered my family was no longer with me. I was lost. I spotted the Space Needle, headed there and sat down. Shortly, my brother (who had a better sense of direction than I) came and found me.

We don’t all have a refined sense of direction. But human beings have something else that is perhaps more important. It is also instinctual. We are born with the ability to ask for help and to give it.

Television personality Fred Rogers put it like this: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” We are born to be helpers.

When you’re lost, look for the helpers. When your life is headed in the wrong direction, when you are afraid of making poor decisions, look for the helpers. When you don’t know if you can navigate life’s complexities by yourself, look for the helpers. You don’t have to go it alone - there is always someone close by who is ready to help. 

This life is not a long journey you have to travel by yourself. We’re made to do it with each other. Look for the helpers.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/GregVandeLeest

Your Invisible Compass

Image courtesy of angelalola

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one noticed that his partner had only one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other ball in case yours gets lost?” he asked.

The man replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

His friend looked skeptical. “Really? Well, what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll get it back."

"Then what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll find it – no problem."

"Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you slice it off the fairway. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

His friend seemed convinced. “Wow, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

Have you ever wished you had a guidance system like that golf ball? Who among us doesn’t know how it feels to be lost? And there are many different we ways can get lost. One of my sons, now a young man, spoke with some sadness about his teen-age years. He made some poor choices for a while. That day, while looking back at those difficult years, he commented, “I lost my way.” At one time or another we’ve all lost our way.

Have you ever wished you had a guidance system so that, when you lose your way, you know you won’t be lost for long? And the truth is – we do. We each have an inner guidance system, an invisible compass, hidden deep inside. We each have the ability to find the answers we need, to find our way in life when we’re lost – to find our way back home.

Life coaches remind us that we are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Therefore, the best coaches don’t give answers. They stimulate our creativity and remind us that we are already resourceful and whole and can come up with solutions ourselves.

Similarly, we may pay a lot of money for psychological counseling, but, as any good counselor knows, it's not advice most of us require. So a skilled therapist will help us to find the way…by ourselves…back to ourselves. They help us look inside where we will find what guidance we need.

Call it an inner voice. Call it spiritual guidance. Call it a gift.

When I’ve lost my way or when I am confused about a path to take, I remember that most answers I need I already possess – deep inside. I am naturally creative, resourceful and whole. If I consult my invisible compass, I’ll know what to do. I think that is what author Vernon Howard meant when he said, “Inner guidance is heard like soft music in the night by those who have learned to listen.”

Can you hear the music? Are you learning to listen?

-- Steve Goodier

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Listening to Your Heart

I sometimes wish I had a road map for living. If only someone would occasionally show me a way to go, a direction to take, it seems things could be easier. Have you ever thought like that?

But it doesn't take me long to remember that others probably feel as confused as I do.

Passengers on a regular flight from Detroit to Tri-City Airport (which is situated between the Michigan cities of Saginaw, Bay City and Midland), must have felt a little more than confused during a flight attendant's greeting. Obviously not familiar with the area, she welcomed everyone warmly and stated that the destination would be Midland. A few concerned passengers alerted her to the mistake, so she quickly corrected herself by saying they were headed to Tri-City and Bay City.

Chuckles rippled along the aisle as she bravely tried again. This time she informed passengers that their destination was Saginaw. Now laughter broke out.

At that point, an authoritative voice came over the intercom and rescued her. "I'm your pilot, folks," he said, "and don't worry -- I know where we're going."

It's nice when someone knows the way. But does anyone know the way YOU should be going? The way you should go in your life?

The truth is -- we really can't depend on others for the most important answers about living our lives. People can help, but nobody can truly decide what is best for us; nobody else can steer us along that individual path that we should take.

But the good news is this: we will eventually find the way ourselves. And I believe we'll find it best by listening. Listening to our hearts; listening to an inner voice.

I've learned that if I listen well, I will discover that the solution I need is usually there, hiding within. It may be irritatingly well hidden, but it is there nevertheless.

Perhaps you feel a bit lost. Most of us do at times. And if so, don't worry. This may be a perfect time to listen. Listen to that quiet voice within. And while you listen, remember this -- your inner pilot knows where you're going.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/Ulrik De Wachter