Your Own Best Friend

Most people report that they do not usually feel confident. But exciting things can happen when we actually believe in ourselves. Here is a man who believed in his own ability even as a boy, and that confidence helped shape his adult life.

At the turn of the 20th century, a young boy quit school to help with the family expenses. When he was fifteen, he became interested in automobiles and worked in a garage. He subscribed to a correspondence home study course on automobiles and, after a long day in the garage, studied at the kitchen table by lamplight.

When he felt ready, he walked into the Oscar Lear Automobile Company of Columbus, Ohio. When Mr. Frayer, one of the partners, noticed him, he asked, “Well, what do you want?”

“I just thought I’d tell you I’m coming to work here tomorrow morning,” the boy replied.

“Oh! Who hired you?” 

“Nobody yet, but I’ll be on the job in the morning. If I’m not worth anything, you can fire me.” (Try that in today’s market!)

Early the next morning the young man returned to the plant. Noticing the floor was thick with metal shavings and accumulated dirt and grease, the boy got a broom and shovel and set to work cleaning the place.

Because of his self-confidence and work ethic, Eddie Rickenbacker’s future was almost predictable. He went on to excel in many fields, including automobile racing, piloting World War 1 planes and founding what was to become one of America’s largest airline companies − Eastern Airlines.

There is no magic bullet to instantly become a self-confident person. But it begins with one of the most important relationships in your life − your relationship with yourself. People who become more confident work on that relationship. They habitually encourage themselves. They become their own best friend.

Ask yourself this question: “If I had a friend who talked to me like I sometimes talk to myself, would I want to spend a lot of time with that person?” Listen to the things you say to yourself. Are you encouraging or are you critical? Do you say things to yourself that build your self confidence, or do you nitpick at your faults? You just might be spending a lot of time everyday with a person you’d never choose as a friend. And if so, you are most likely eroding your self confidence.

Without confidence, you are not likely to move far in the direction of your dreams. But when you learn to actively encourage yourself, you can become your own best friend. And when that happens, almost anything will be possible.

-- Steve Goodier 


Image: flickr.com/Bart

Getting What You Deserve

Dramatist W. S. Gilbert (of the duo Gilbert and Sullivan) insightfully said, “You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself -- and how little I deserve it.” How many people can say that? People’s poor opinions of themselves, more than anything, hold them back from getting what they deserve. 

Born into poverty in 1927, actor Sidney Poitier weighed just three pounds and was expected to die. His mother planned to bury him in a shoebox, but somehow he survived. He grew up on a tomato farm in the Bahamas. 

Yet in 1964, Poitier became the first Bahamian and first black actor to win both an Academy Award for Best Actor and the Golden Globe Award for Best Actor. In 2009, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the United States' highest civilian honor, and in 2016, he was granted the BAFTA Fellowship for outstanding lifetime achievement in film.

How did he achieve so much? Part of the answer is that he never allowed a poor opinion of himself to hold him back.

According to Alan Loy McGinnis in his book Confidence, Poitier achieved such prominence largely because of self reliance he learned from his parents. “I was the product of a colonial system,” he once said, “that was very damaging to the psyche of non-white people. The darker you were, the less opportunities were presented to you.”

He continued, “My parents were terribly, terribly poor, and after awhile the psychology of poverty begins to mess with your head. As a result, I cultivated a fierce pride in myself, something that was hammered into me by my parents, Evelyn and Reggie – mostly by Evelyn. She never apologized for the fact she had to make my pants out of flour sacks. I got used to ‘Imperial Flour’ written across my rear. She always used to say, ‘If it’s clean, that’s the important thing.’ So from that woman – and probably for that woman – I always wanted to be extraordinary.”

Whatever it was that his parents “hammered” into him gave him enough motivation to rise from poverty to prominence. He eventually cultivated an unwavering belief in himself. It is often true that we don’t let ourselves have more than we think we deserve. Not that any of us deserves more than anyone else, but perhaps most of us deserve more than we let ourselves have. 

• If we feel trapped in a relationship which is destructive or unfulfilling, we deserve more. 
• If we are employed in a job that under-utilizes our true abilities and skills, we deserve more. 
• If we believe that life is going nowhere, we deserve more. 

Does any of that describe you? And has a poor opinion of yourself ever kept you from getting what you deserve?

Poitier was taught that he was somebody, and therefore allowed himself to pursue what most folks in his circumstances today may believe are unattainable goals.

You, too, are somebody. You are a person of infinite worth. Will you allow yourself to experience what you really deserve?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Public Domain

Three Messages Heard in Strong Families

Family expert Nick Stinnett said, “When you have a strong family life you receive the message that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are important. The positive intake of love and affection and respect … gives you inner resources to deal with life more successfully.”

Here is a family that shows us what it is like to receive the messages that you are loved and cared for and that you are important.

Once her kids were in school, one woman decided to go back to school for more education. After several years of hard work and late nights, she finally completed her Master’s Degree program.

Her husband planned a graduation party for her. He invited all of their friends to their home to congratulate his wife on her hard work.

But she turned the tables on him. She got a list of the invitees to her party and called each one. “I’d like to surprise my husband,” she told them. Then she explained what he sacrificed for her to go back to school. He supported her emotionally when she felt like quitting. Much like a single parent, he juggled his own work with picking the children up from school, caring for them in the evenings, shouldering much of the housework and preparing meals for the family. And besides, her education was expensive and the family needed to take out a student loan. “I’d like this to be a surprise party for him instead of a graduation party for me,” she told all of her guests.

So they came with cards and food, all of which he expected. But when he learned that it was all for him, he was stunned! And for her, it turned out to be the greatest graduation party ever.

He told her by his actions and by his willingness to sacrifice that, as Nick Stinnett says, she is loved,  she is cared for and she is important. And this gave her the courage to jump into a demanding program that others may never have attempted.

You are loved...you are cared for...you are important. Where love exists there is warmth. Where everyone’s physical and emotional needs are met, there is safety and security. And where respect for one another is the norm, the mind and spirit can flourish.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

-- Steve Goodier Image: flickr.com/Kannon B

When You Judge Yourself

If you're going to do it, don't lose sight of the main fact.
 

Charles Allen (Victories in the Valleys of Life, Fleming H. Revell, 1981) tells the story of a man who, one wintry day, went to traffic court in Wichita, Kansas, not knowing court had been canceled because of a blizzard. A few days later he wrote this letter:

“I was scheduled to be in court February 23rd, at 12:15 pm., concerning a traffic ticket. Well, I was there as scheduled and, to my surprise, I was the only one present. No one had called to tell me that the court would be closed, so I decided to go ahead with the hearing as scheduled, which meant that I had to be the accuser, the accused and the judge. The citation was for going 46 miles per hour in a 35-mile-per-hour zone. I had the speed alert on in my car, set for 44 miles per hour; and as the accuser, I felt that I was going over 35 miles per hour, but as the accused, I know that I was not going 46 miles per hour. As judge, and being the understanding man that I am, I decided to throw it out of court this time. But it had better not happen again.”

He had a rare opportunity to officially “judge” himself. But don't we all judge ourselves all day long? We judge ourselves too fat or too thin, too old or too young, unworthy, unlikeable, undeserving, inadequate ... you get the idea.  And how often do you react more harshly to your own mistakes and errors than you would ever react to those same shortcomings in others?

A speaker started off his seminar by taking a bill from his wallet and holding it up high. He asked his audience, “Who would like this brand new $20 bill?” Hands shot up.

He continued, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this.” He crumpled the note. He then said, “It's crushed and wrinkled – now, who still wants it?” Again, most of the audience held their hands high.

He was relentless. “What if I do this?” He dropped the money, stepped on it and ground it into the floor with his shoe. He then held up the now dirty and disreputable bill. “Now who wants it?” Hands still waved in the air.

“My friends, here is the lesson,” he said. “No matter what I do to the money, you still want it because it does not decrease in value. It is still worth $20.” Then he gave it to someone in the audience. “How often are we crushed by life? Sometimes we are ill-treated and discarded. It can even feel as if we're ground into the dirt by poor decisions we make and circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, we never lose our innate value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, used, refused or abused, we are still priceless.”

We judge ourselves all day long. But next time you judge yourself, don't lose sight of the main fact. No matter what you think of yourself today, you are still priceless.

-- Steve Goodier

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People Matter

Image courtesy of Spekulator

In their book The Big Book of Jewish Humor (HarperCollins, 1981), authors Novak and Waldoks tell of a woman from New York who, on her 80th birthday, decided to prepare her last will and testament. She went to her rabbi to make two final requests. First, she insisted on cremation.

“What is your second request?” the rabbi asked.

“I want my ashes scattered over the Bloomingdale’s store.”

“Why Bloomingdale’s?”

“Then I’ll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week.”

I know we can't ensure others will show they care in the way we expect, though we all want to know that people do care. Maybe it's about being assured that we are not alone in this world. For that reason, we are drawn to those who make us feel as if we matter.

My grandmother was such a person. She was someone who made me feel important to her. She lived far away, so visits were special. When we got together she acted as if she truly missed me. Some days she would slip me little gifts – like chewing gum, a homemade cookie or money “so you can buy yourself a treat.” She once whispered that I was her favorite. (I now have evidence that she said the same thing to each of her grandchildren, which still causes me to chuckle.) She made the effort to be present at the important times in my life.

I felt valued by her. She took me seriously. At age eight or nine I complained one day that I had trouble breathing and I said that I thought my nasal passage was somehow blocked. She actually put her finger up my nose to feel for an obstruction. (Did I mention she was blind?) There was a blockage and because of her intervention with my family I eventually saw a doctor and had corrective surgery.

I don't remember her ever telling me how much she cared about me. It just wasn't her way. She wasn't gushy and she didn't often say those things to people. But she told me how she felt in a different way – she noticed me. She paid attention to me. I felt as if I were a piece in her life puzzle and she would notice if I were missing or didn't fit in just right. And my awareness of this made a huge difference.

Poet Maya Angelou writes:

“People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I wonder what would happen if I set out to make everyone in my presence feel as I felt around my grandmother – like they matter. How would that change the way I treat others and what difference might it make to them?

Who doesn't want to know that we notice them and value them? And who might respond to us better when they feel that they matter?

It probably cannot be overstated – it matters...that people matter.

-- Steve Goodier

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