Decision Is Destiny

“Mommy, what happens when a car gets too old and banged up to run?” a little girl asked.

“Well,” her mother said, “someone sells it to your father.”

I think I have bought a couple of cars like that. Like most people, my life is punctuated by decisions that did not turn out the way I’d hoped. But we cannot always be expected to make the best decisions. Sometimes we simply don’t have enough information. And other times, there just isn’t a good decision anywhere to be found and we go with the lesser of several evils, hoping that we know a lesser evil when we see one. All we can really do is make decisions the best way we know how and act on them. 

But making better decisions is important. Things change when decisions change.

Before his rise to political fame, Maryland Congressman Kweisi Mfume walked a path of self-destruction. He dropped out of high school. A few years later, he robbed a pedestrian in order to join a street gang. Mfume spent the following years drinking and trouble-making with the gang.

A turning point came one summer night when he abruptly decided he could no longer continue on his present course. He decided to earn his high school equivalency certificate and later graduated magna cum laude from Morgan State University in Baltimore. He then went on to earn a graduate degree at Johns Hopkins University.

When Mfume ran for Congress in 1986, his opponents tried to use his old mistakes against him. But his achievements since he left a troubled past behind captivated an electorate who voted him into office by an overwhelming 87 percent. He was on a collision course with total failure until he made an important decision.

That decision included getting an education and trying to improve the world rather than taking from it. And it was also a decision to make better decisions. He eventually became a representative to the US House of Representatives (twice), he headed up the National Associate of the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and served as the CEO of the National Medical Association. 

What changes a life is not simply learning more, though education is important. What changes a life is making decisions − the best decisions you can make − and acting on them. It’s been accurately said: “Your decisions determine your direction, and your direction determines your destiny.” Or put another way, “The decisions you make… make you.”

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/John Mathew Smith

No Regrets

Not many people have heard of Bill Havens. But Bill became an unlikely hero of sorts – at least among those who knew him best. Here is his story:

At the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, the sport of canoe racing was added to the list of international competitions. The favorite team in the four-man canoe race was the United States team. One member of that team was a young man by the name of Bill Havens.

As the time for the Olympics neared, it became clear that Bill’s wife would give birth to their first child about the time that the US team would be competing in the Paris games. In 1924 there were no jet airliners from Paris to the United States, only slow ocean-going ships. And so Bill found himself in a dilemma. Should he go to Paris and risk not being at his wife’s side when their baby was born? Or should he withdraw from the team and remain with his family?

Bill’s wife insisted that he go to Paris. After all, competing in the Olympics was the culmination of a lifelong dream. But Bill felt conflicted and, after much soul-searching, decided to withdraw from the competition and remain home where he could support his family. Just four days after the games (at which his brother Bud Havens and the rest of the U.S. canoe crew won three gold, one silver, and two bronze over six events), his son Frank came into the world.

People said, “What a shame.” But Bill said he had no regrets. For the rest of his life, he believed he had made the better decision. 

However, there is an interesting sequel to the story of Bill Havens.…

Frank, the child born to them that year, grew to love canoeing as much as his father did. And at 28-years-old, in 1952, Frank sent his father a cablegram. It came from Helsinki, Finland, where the Olympic Games were being held. The message read: “Dear Dad, thanks for waiting around for me to get born in 1924. I’m coming home with the gold medal you should have won. Your loving son, Frank.”

Frank had set the new world record and took home the gold in the solo 10,000-meter event. He came home with the medal his father had dreamed of winning. Like I said – no regrets.

Thomas Kinkade eloquently said, “When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter... then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor.” Saying yes to the things that really matter might mean you say no to something else you want...but it’s a way to no regrets.

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: Flickr.com/Clare Griffiths

Setting Your Own Agenda

Have you ever heard of Hank Greenberg? 

 The year was 1934. For the first time in 25 years, the Detroit Tigers baseball team were strong enough to have an excellent chance to play in baseball’s prestigious World Series. Hank was a key player on a team that had come to rely on his superb skills at first base and his strong batting to win games. An important and decisive game was scheduled on the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur. Hank, the son of Romanian immigrants to the United States, announced that he would not don his uniform and play on this day, the most sacred of Hebrew fasts.

 The city of Detroit was outraged. Citizens screamed that the Day of Atonement could be celebrated any year, but this year the Tigers may go all the way to the Series. Anti-Semitic remarks were viciously hurled at him, but Hank Greenberg remained resolute.

The Detroit Tigers indeed lost that day, although the team did secure the pennant that year. And Hank, when more rational minds prevailed, attained the respect of the community. In fact, a poem  by syndicated columnist Edgar Guest honored the man who held steadfastly to his beliefs. The tribute ended with this verse:

Came Yom Kippur – Holy fast day
world-wide over to the Jews,
And Hank Greenberg to his teaching 
and the old tradition true
Spent the day among his people 
and he didn’t come to play. 
Said Murphy to Mulrooney, 
“We shall lose the game today!
We shall miss him in the infield 
and shall miss him at the bat,
But he’s true to his religion – 
and I honor him for that!”

Hank still teaches us an important lesson in how to live effectively. He decided what was important to him and, regardless of pressure applied, he honored his own values. Hank Greenberg – not the team, nor the coaches, nor even emotional Detroit fans – set his agenda. What he did required tremendous courage. He let nobody lower standards he had chosen for himself. And though the team lost that day, the city of Detroit won because it gained an important role model in a young man who courageously followed his own way.

Choosing our own way may not always be easy. But effective living occurs once we decide how we will live our lives and, regardless of outside pressure, we honor that decision.

If you are struggling with a difficult decision today, what is your inner voice leading you to do? Perhaps that is the voice that should be honored.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jeff Dunn

Creating the Future You

Image by Kishore Nagarigari

[Today's reading is longer than usual. I wrote it as a short chapter of a new book by Joan Herrmann titled Live A Good Life. When the book is published, I'll let you know how you can get a copy. I hope you can take a few extra minutes to enjoy today's message.]

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Maybe you’ve had this experience. I recall one afternoon when I attended a parent-teacher conference for my second-grade son. We sat in the children’s chairs. The seat was about a foot off the ground and certainly not made for adults. Those chairs were designed for little people. And as I sat uncomfortably waiting for the conference to begin, I had time to think about how much bigger I’ve gotten over the years. I clearly don’t fit into the small furniture anymore.

We all grow. And, whether we are aware of it or not, we all change. We not only grow physically, we change in other ways. For instance, we grow in our roles. I occasionally asked my adolescent kids, “How do you think you’re doing raising your parents?” I understood that I had to continually change my methods of parenting if I were to relate well to my children as they matured.

One mother told of how she changed as a parent. She mentioned that when her first baby coughed or sneezed, they’d practically rush her to the hospital. But Mom mellowed over the years. One day her youngest swallowed a dime. No hospital visits. No histrionics. She just said, “You know, don’t you, that the dime will come out of your allowance?”

We grow in our roles. And we grow in other ways also. We grow mentally. I hope you are wiser and more knowledgeable today than you were in the past.

And we grow emotionally. Are you better at handling adversity today? Are you a kinder, more generous person? Do you find it easier to love and forgive? Dr. Karl Menninger said this about love and growth: “We do not fall in love, we grow in love and love grows in us.” Is love growing in you?

We also have the chance to grow in another important way -- spiritually. I hope your spirituality is not the same as it was when you were a child. You probably discovered that the spirituality that worked so well for you back then no longer satisfies.

Many children were taught to pray something like this: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thee Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray thee Lord my soul to take.” (Actually, that prayer is a  little brutal when you think about it and I’m told that it originated from a time when plagues swept Europe and children feared that they indeed may not awaken from sleep.) But, if you’re like most people, your spirituality matured as you grew up. A child may pray, “Give me…” or “Help me...” When she becomes an adult, she may find herself more often praying, “Use me….” or simply “Thank you.”

We never stop growing and changing. We grow firmer or more flexible in our attitudes. We develop new skills and abilities. We grow in vision and we grow in confidence. We may also change in negative ways if we’re not careful. We may grow more fearful, more cynical or insensitive to others. We may even find ourselves becoming people we don’t like very much. Life is all about growing and changing.

There are few exceptions to this rule. In fact, the only folks I know that never change reside in communities we call cemeteries.

One woman was shopping for Thanksgiving supper. None of the turkeys she found were large enough to feed her family. “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” she asked the young man stocking the shelves. “No, ma’am,” he said. “They’re all dead.”

If we’re dead, we won’t grow. But if we’re alive, we will. The only question is, will you decide HOW you want to grow? Will you decide to take responsibility for shaping your life? Because, if you don’t make a decision about how you’re going to grow, life will make it for you. If you’re not in the process of becoming the person you want to be, you are in the process of becoming someone you had no intention of being.

I find one question that, if asked repeatedly, has an amazing power to put intentional growth on the fast track. This one question, more than anything else, can help you take control of how you will grow and change. The question is, “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” That question alone will help you make different decisions, change the way you act and even change the way you think. That one question, asked regularly, may be the single most important way to take control of how you will grow in body, mind, emotions and spirit. Let me show you how it works.

What if you lost your job or suffered a serious financial setback? You might want to just give up. Instead, ask the question, “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then decide to do it. You may not feel at all hopeful. You may even be afraid. But if the person you want to become is an optimistic and courageous person, you might decide not to react in fear. Instead, you might act as if you had no fear of failure and courageously put yourself out there for new employment opportunities. Or you may look at your job loss as an chance to go back to school instead of wasting time on regrets, depression or fearful inaction.

Or how about this? Let’s say you were betrayed or somehow deeply hurt by a trusted friend or relative. You may want to strike back in an equally hurtful way, or simply have nothing to do with her anymore. Instead, ask the question, “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then act on that answer. You probably feel anger and more pain than you care to admit, but but if the person you want to become is an emotionally strong individual, you might decide to act with strength, rather than licking your wounds. You might choose an appropriate way to confront that friend and tell her how you feel, talk the problem through and even be ready to forgive if a valued relationship can be restored.

Asking yourself this question regularly and then acting on your answer will shape you bit by bit into a person you admire and respect. No situation is too big or too small. It works equally well with daily irritants and life’s bigger challenges.

Take road rage. It is irritating to be honked at or cut off in traffic by an angry driver. You may find yourself reacting in a flash of temper. Next time that occurs, ask the question, “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then choose, in that moment, a different way to respond. If the future you, the person you want to become, were abundantly patient and understanding, you might decide to laugh it off and use the opportunity to work on your sense of humor or to spend the next 15 minutes practicing peace of mind.

Or perhaps you are concerned about some of life’s weightier problems, such as the plight of the poor. But the problems seem overwhelming you feel stymied. As a result, you do little to help. Instead, ask the question, “What would the person I want to become do in this situation?” Then actually do it. If you imagine that the person you want to become is generous and engaged in social problems, you might find a local project and volunteer time and, if possible, money. You would figure out how to make volunteer service and generosity, or even advocacy for the poor, part of your increasingly engaged lifestyle.

I think George Bernard Shaw was right when he said, “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Creating yourself may be the most vital and important job you do. It is the task of every day. And it is also an important gift you give yourself -- the gift of creating the person you want to be.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that you’re not wonderful now. You might be just the person you need to be in this moment. Enjoy yourself. Even celebrate yourself. After all, it took a lifetime to get where you are today! But remember...someone else is waiting ahead -- a different version of you. And you have the opportunity to create that person, little by little, every day.

-- Steve Goodier

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Skunks I’ve Run With

Are you running with one of these?

Ever run with a skunk?

A newspaper story once related that a mother of eight from Darlington, Maryland, had been visiting next door. When she returned home she went into the living room where she saw her five youngest children huddled in the center of the floor -- on her new carpet -- very much involved with something wiggly and squirmy. The perplexed mother looked closer. To her total dismay, she discovered that the children were gathered around a family of skunks.

In her horror she screamed, “Run, children, run!”

They did. Each child grabbed a skunk and ran.

I know I've sometimes made the same mistake. Instead of leaving a potentially smelly situation alone, I decided to run with it. Many of my problems have been the result of my own poor choices and bad judgment, though I may have been tempted to blame someone else. One such skunk I have run with was “the easy way” when there clearly was a “better way” which seemed too much trouble to bother with at the time. Another skunk I've run with was “instant gratification” -- the I-want-it-now decision that I would be sure to regret in the long run. Another might be called “it's too good to be true!” At a deep level I know that when it seems too good to be true, it probably is. But I've been known to go for it anyway.

I've made a lot of stinky decisions along the way, though I knew better. And I really can’t blame anyone or anything else. I got seduced by a cute, furry, little bundle of temptation which was actually nothing more than a skunk in disguise. And instead of running AWAY from it, I picked it up and made it mine. I ran WITH it.

I don't know how often opportunity knocks, but temptations to make foul decisions bang on my door all day long. And smelly decisions make for smelly problems later on. A few little decisions, good or bad, can make a big difference in a life. Better to run from those skunks than with them.

Like me, have you ever run with skunks? Or the more important question is...if you’re running with one now, will you put it down? You will be glad you did and you’ll have no one to blame for the sudden improvement but yourself.

– Steve Goodier 

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Image by Torli Roberts

The Rocking Chair Test

How are you at making decisions?

Years ago, a city family bought an American cattle ranch and moved to the wide-open country. After a month, friends visited the family in their ranch house. “What did you decide to name your ranch?” they inquired.

“Well,” the husband replied, “I wanted to call it the Flying W and my wife wanted to name it the Suzy Q, but one of our sons liked the Bar J and the other preferred the Lazy Y. So we compromised and call it the Flying W/Suzy Q/Bar J/Lazy Y.”

“I see,” said the visitor. “And where are your cattle?”

“None of them survived the branding,” said the rancher.

Frightening things happen when we can't make a decision. And I don't always make good decisions myself. That's especially true when I act on impulse. I will snatch something off the shelf of a store that I really don't want. Or I don't take the time to research an item I need before purchasing one I just happen to like. I will eat something from the fridge when I'm more bored than hungry and regret the calories later. You get what I mean. I don't always use my head. I can be like a “$40 million dollar airport with a $20 control tower,” as they say.

Impulsive behavior aside, sometimes even thoughtful decision-making is still not easy. No clear choice is evident. We may want black and white but see only fifty shades of gray and no option looks all that good. "I've made up my mind, but I made it up both ways," baseball great Casey Stengel famously quipped.

What do you do when you're decidedly undecided? Or when you're struggling with a decision and you've made your mind up both ways?

When I'm stuck, I sometimes step back and take the Rocking Chair Test. It can get me through the impasse to a point where I'm making better decisions. This is how it works.

Imagine yourself near the end of your life. You are relaxing in a rocking chair reflecting on the decision you presently want to make. As the older, wiser you thinks about the outcome of your choice, ask yourself three simple questions.

1. Did it cause harm?
2. Did it bring about good?
3. How did it shape the person I became?

The Rocking Chair Test helps you to take a long view of your options. After imagining your answers to those questions, you should know better which way to go.

Try asking yourself those three questions. You may be amazed at how quickly you make better decisions.

And the cattle will appreciate your decisiveness.

– Steve Goodier

Chasing a Dream

Image by John Lee

In his book Asimov Laughs Again, author Isaac Asimov relates an incident when he was interviewed by television journalist Barbara Walters.

She asked him how many books he had written and then asked, “Don’t you ever want to do anything but write?”

He said, “No.”

She pressed on. “Don’t you want to go hunting? Fishing? Dancing? Hiking?”

This time he answered, “No! No! No! And no!”

She continued, “But what would you do if the doctor gave you only six months to live?”

He said, “Type faster.”

Isaac Asimov spent his life doing what he loved. I am aware that there are those people who find no satisfaction or joy from making a living. They don't like what they do and they live for weekends and holidays. Some of them feel trapped and believe they can't make a meaningful change because they don't have the skills, education, money or favorable circumstances. So they decide to dig in and keep on slogging forward.

I don't want to say they are wrong, for there are many reasons we each choose our individual paths. But I'm drawn to a truth expressed so clearly by Norman Cousins. “The tragedy of life is not death,” says Cousins, “but what we let die inside of us while we live.” I agree. Death is not a tragedy in itself. All of us will die. It is as natural as birth. The tragedy is what we let die inside us while we live. Like unrealized dreams. Like a passion to be or do something that is calling to us from someplace deep. The real tragedy of life is settling for less while something dies inside us.

Leaving the safety of what is known and venturing into the unknown can be one of the scariest – and best –  decisions a person can make. "There is no security in following the call to adventure,” writer Joseph Campbell says. I know what he is talking about. I've followed that call more than once. And it can be frightening. But you know what's worse? Regret. Looking back and wishing that we had risked the adventure. Or just letting the desire dry up and finally die.

Leaving what feels secure behind and following the beckoning of our hearts doesn't always end as we expect or hope. We may even fail. But here's the payoff: it can also be amazing and wonderful and immensely satisfying.

In the end, we really only have one question when it comes to chasing a significant dream. It is whether we will say yes.

– Steve Goodier


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Time to Wake Up?

Image courtesy of Ilker

A Buddhist monk strode into a Zen pizza parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." The proprietor appreciated the Zen humor and, when the monk paid with $20 bill, the guy pocketed it. 

"Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?"

"Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."

And it's true: we can wait for things to change or we can change ourselves. One way rarely works while the other rarely fails.

I have a friend who used to teach literature to high school students. He once told me how maligned the name of Ebenezer Scrooge has become. “Dickens never meant for Scrooge to be a villain,” he once said, speaking of Charles Dickens' classic “Christmas Carol.” Yes, Scrooge was a miser and disliked by pretty much everybody. But my friend reminds me that the story doesn't end there. It doesn't end with Scrooge dying a miserable and lonely death. The point of the story is that Scrooge WAKES UP. After the restless night of ghost visitations, he wakes up and decides that things truly can be different. He can choose to be compassionate, generous and happy. He understands that he can behave toward others in a different way. He can look at things differently. His miserable past does not need to determine his future. His life story illustrates the words of George Elliot: “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

“To this day,” my friend says, “the name of Scrooge is synonymous with somebody stingy and selfish when it should be just the opposite. Scrooge woke up and made different decisions. He lived the rest of his life a model of generosity and joy and goodwill toward all. Nobody ever “kept Christmas,” Dickens tells us, like Ebenezer Scrooge.

I regularly remind myself that it is not too late to be what I might have been. And I'm learning that anything can happen...when I wake up and make different decisions.

-- Steve Goodier

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A Powerful Question

A man driving down a country road spotted a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Sensing something was wrong, he pulled the car over to the side of the road. As he watched, the farmer just stood there doing nothing and looking at nothing.

Curiosity got the better of the motorist and he climbed from his car and approached the idle man. “Ah, excuse me mister, but is something wrong?”

“No, no,” replied the farmer, “I'm fine. I'm just trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“You are?” asked the puzzled motorist. “But how?”

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

(If you were expecting my humor to get better, I'm sorry to disappoint.)

It's true that few of us will ever win a Nobel Prize. But that's okay, because being the world's best is not the point. Let me ask a different kind of question.

According to John Gardner, founding chairman of Common Cause, one cheerful old man asks a fascinating question of just about everybody he meets for the first time. Once they exchange names and they get to the part where one is sure to ask the other where they work or what they do for a living, he turns the conversation in a different direction. He asks his new acquaintance an unusual question. He asks a big question – an important one. He asks, “What have you done that you believe in and you are proud of?”

The question is direct and a little unsettling. It is not as easy to answer as, “What do you do for a living?” It requires some thought. When asked why he likes to pose that question, the old man responds that he doesn't care how they answer. He just wants to put the thought into their minds. He thinks everyone should live their lives in such a way that they can have a good answer.

"What have you done that you believe in and are proud of?"

As I search for an answer, my mind goes first to family. We've raised healthy and productive children who want to make this world a better place. Not that I've been a model parent – far from it. But I'm proud of them. I also believe in the life my spouse and I have tried to put together with one another. We both chose to work hard on our relationship from the beginning.

What else have I done that I believe in and I'm proud of? Several things, I hope. But one especially is the creation of Life Support System. For me it's always been about reaching out, and I'm gratified when others in our Life Support System family write and tell me how it has made a difference. In a small way I think we're helping to bring the world together.

How would you answer that intriguing question? It may not be a big thing. Perhaps it's something that nobody but you cares about. But it cost you somehow … you're invested in it. You probably will never be awarded a Nobel Prize for your accomplishment, but it was important enough to do.

I think this can be one of the most powerful questions we can ever ask ourselves. It causes us to look deep inside and, like the old man says, prompts us to live our lives in such a way that we can have a good answer.

Now it's your turn. You may want to close your eyes and give it some thought. "What have you done that you believe in and are proud of?"

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Piotr Bizior

Will You Play Your Music?

 

Image courtesy of Betsy Ray

I heard of a recruiter for jump school, the name given for military parachute training, who explains the training this way: “Jump school is three weeks long. The first week they separate the men from the boys.” (Presumably, they also separate the women from the girls.) He goes on to say, “Week two they separate the men from the fools. And week three, the fools jump.”

We once visited friends and sat outside where we watched  paragliders and hang gliders soaring overhead, suspended from colorful wings. They rose up into the sky upon invisible warm currents of air and floated effortlessly by -- trusting in their equipment and their ability to keep them from crashing into the earth. But isn't that risky? Maybe a little. But what a thrill to experience!

My son is a rock climber. Using toeholds and fingertip holds he makes his way up the shear face of a cliff. Though he fell once and broke his arm, he's back out there again. Why? Isn't that risky? Perhaps, but he likes the feeling of satisfaction of conquering the mountain and succeeding at a difficult endeavor.

Of course, one doesn't have to participate in sports to experience risks. Just buy stocks and bonds. I've been told that October is one of the riskiest months to buy stocks. The other dangerous months are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November and December.

There is risk in all of life. But aren't some things worth it? Artist Vincent van Gogh put it this way: “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.” There are good and valid reasons to take necessary risks. In fact, I am sure we cannot experience a full life and shy away from all risk at the same time. We usually have a choice...we can choose to live boldly or we can choose fear. But be sure of this: the one we pick is all important.

Especially when it comes to major life decisions. Deciding to pursue a compelling idea. Going back to school. Changing vocations. Marriage and family. Moving to a brand new location ... these can be chancy life choices. We can listen to our hearts, or we can decide not to take risks, not to do the scary thing and, perhaps, not to fully live.

May Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Inc., once remarked, “Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try.” Is that true? If so, I think that is sad. Is it because most people are afraid? At the end of my life, I don't want to say I always played it safe, I want to say I played my music. I want to say I attempted to stretch my wings and jump. I want to believe I took reasonable risks at the right times.

I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted. I've also learned that, if I am to live my life to the fullest, I must not let my music die inside me.

Will you just play it safe? Or will you play your music?

-- Steve Goodier

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A Decision I Must Make Every Day

 

Image courtesy of Simona Dumitru

Gretchen Alexander is sightless. But she refuses to allow her blindness to limit her life activities. She enjoys archery, golf, softball, sailing and water-skiing, as well as a number of other activities that those of us who are sighted have yet to learn.

She also speaks to groups about living life fully. When speaking to a group of high school students, she was once asked if there was anything she wouldn’t try.

“I’ve decided to never skydive,” she answered. “It would scare the heck out of my dog.”

Why do some people rise above their problems and live life fully, while others become defeated? Merle Shain explains it this way: “There are only two ways to approach life, as a victim or as a gallant fighter. And every day the decision is ours.” Or put another way, we can believe we’re helpless or we can believe we’re powerful and capable. And every day we reaffirm our belief.

Another person who knew what it was like to live sightless, not to mention soundless, was Helen Keller. She famously pointed out that “although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of suffering.” Does that sound someone who believes she is helpless, or like someone who believes she is capable? 

I love the perspective of a shop owner in Nottingham, England. He posted this notice in the window of his coat store: "We have been established for over 100 years and have been pleasing and displeasing customers ever since. We have made money and lost money, suffered the effects of coal nationalization, coat rationing, government control and bad payers. We have been cussed and discussed, messed about, lied to, held up, robbed and swindled. The only reason we stay in business is to see what happens next." 

Though he lifts up a myriad of hardships they’ve endured, they somehow figured out how to stay in business. Does that sound like someone who believes he is helpless... or capable?

When discouraged some people will give up, give in or give out far too early. They blame their problems on difficult situations, unreasonable people or their own inabilities.

When discouraged other people will push back that first impulse to quit, push down their initial fear, push through feelings of helplessness and push ahead. They’re less likely to find something to blame and more likely to find a way through.

For me, it’s an important decision about whether I want to live my life fully and with courage or whether I will be forever defeated by harsh circumstances. It’s a decision about believing I am powerful enough and capable enough. And it’s a decision I must make every day of my life.

-- Steve Goodier

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Resisting the Blame Game

Image courtesy of Kavitha Shivan

A mother heard the family cat yowl in pain. She knew where to look – she looked for her son, Mike. “Stop pulling the cat’s tail, Michael!” she chided.

“I’m not pulling his tail,” the boy retorted. “I’m just standing on it. He’s doing the pulling.”

He, of course, is no different than any of us. Often, our first impulse is to blame someone or something else for problems. It’s the cat’s fault. Or the school’s fault. Or my parents’ fault.

I once heard a story of a 40-year-old woman who was jogging in a U. S. state park when she was attacked and killed by a mountain lion. Her family immediately filed suit against the state because of its “failure to manage the mountain lion population” and because it didn’t “react to reports of cougar activity in the area by posting warning signs.”

But an interesting thing happened. Her distraught husband felt it was wrong to blame the state or anyone else for his wife’s death, even though he stood to possibly win a small fortune. Against her family’s wishes, he dropped the law suit. “Barbara and I have always taken responsibility for our own actions,” he explained. “Barbara chose to run in the wild and, on a very long shot, she did not come back. This is not the fault of the state, and people should take responsibility for themselves.”

I would like to meet that man. He no doubt believes that the Blame Game is a no-win in the long run. He seems like a person who would rather spend time fixing what’s broken than fixing the blame for it on someone else.

This isn’t about law suits – it’s more about whether we are essentially victims of life or whether we are powerful and responsible people. An important step in gaining mastery over your life is to resist the urge to make something or someone else responsible. Like novelist J. K. Rowling (of Harry Potter fame) said to graduating Harvard students, “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.” Certainly background and circumstances have influenced who we are, but who is responsible for the person we become?

An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters.

-- Steve Goodier


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