Your Own Best Friend

Most people report that they do not usually feel confident. But exciting things can happen when we actually believe in ourselves. Here is a man who believed in his own ability even as a boy, and that confidence helped shape his adult life.

At the turn of the 20th century, a young boy quit school to help with the family expenses. When he was fifteen, he became interested in automobiles and worked in a garage. He subscribed to a correspondence home study course on automobiles and, after a long day in the garage, studied at the kitchen table by lamplight.

When he felt ready, he walked into the Oscar Lear Automobile Company of Columbus, Ohio. When Mr. Frayer, one of the partners, noticed him, he asked, “Well, what do you want?”

“I just thought I’d tell you I’m coming to work here tomorrow morning,” the boy replied.

“Oh! Who hired you?” 

“Nobody yet, but I’ll be on the job in the morning. If I’m not worth anything, you can fire me.” (Try that in today’s market!)

Early the next morning the young man returned to the plant. Noticing the floor was thick with metal shavings and accumulated dirt and grease, the boy got a broom and shovel and set to work cleaning the place.

Because of his self-confidence and work ethic, Eddie Rickenbacker’s future was almost predictable. He went on to excel in many fields, including automobile racing, piloting World War 1 planes and founding what was to become one of America’s largest airline companies − Eastern Airlines.

There is no magic bullet to instantly become a self-confident person. But it begins with one of the most important relationships in your life − your relationship with yourself. People who become more confident work on that relationship. They habitually encourage themselves. They become their own best friend.

Ask yourself this question: “If I had a friend who talked to me like I sometimes talk to myself, would I want to spend a lot of time with that person?” Listen to the things you say to yourself. Are you encouraging or are you critical? Do you say things to yourself that build your self confidence, or do you nitpick at your faults? You just might be spending a lot of time everyday with a person you’d never choose as a friend. And if so, you are most likely eroding your self confidence.

Without confidence, you are not likely to move far in the direction of your dreams. But when you learn to actively encourage yourself, you can become your own best friend. And when that happens, almost anything will be possible.

-- Steve Goodier 


Image: flickr.com/Bart

Getting What You Deserve

Dramatist W. S. Gilbert (of the duo Gilbert and Sullivan) insightfully said, “You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself -- and how little I deserve it.” How many people can say that? People’s poor opinions of themselves, more than anything, hold them back from getting what they deserve. 

Born into poverty in 1927, actor Sidney Poitier weighed just three pounds and was expected to die. His mother planned to bury him in a shoebox, but somehow he survived. He grew up on a tomato farm in the Bahamas. 

Yet in 1964, Poitier became the first Bahamian and first black actor to win both an Academy Award for Best Actor and the Golden Globe Award for Best Actor. In 2009, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the United States' highest civilian honor, and in 2016, he was granted the BAFTA Fellowship for outstanding lifetime achievement in film.

How did he achieve so much? Part of the answer is that he never allowed a poor opinion of himself to hold him back.

According to Alan Loy McGinnis in his book Confidence, Poitier achieved such prominence largely because of self reliance he learned from his parents. “I was the product of a colonial system,” he once said, “that was very damaging to the psyche of non-white people. The darker you were, the less opportunities were presented to you.”

He continued, “My parents were terribly, terribly poor, and after awhile the psychology of poverty begins to mess with your head. As a result, I cultivated a fierce pride in myself, something that was hammered into me by my parents, Evelyn and Reggie – mostly by Evelyn. She never apologized for the fact she had to make my pants out of flour sacks. I got used to ‘Imperial Flour’ written across my rear. She always used to say, ‘If it’s clean, that’s the important thing.’ So from that woman – and probably for that woman – I always wanted to be extraordinary.”

Whatever it was that his parents “hammered” into him gave him enough motivation to rise from poverty to prominence. He eventually cultivated an unwavering belief in himself. It is often true that we don’t let ourselves have more than we think we deserve. Not that any of us deserves more than anyone else, but perhaps most of us deserve more than we let ourselves have. 

• If we feel trapped in a relationship which is destructive or unfulfilling, we deserve more. 
• If we are employed in a job that under-utilizes our true abilities and skills, we deserve more. 
• If we believe that life is going nowhere, we deserve more. 

Does any of that describe you? And has a poor opinion of yourself ever kept you from getting what you deserve?

Poitier was taught that he was somebody, and therefore allowed himself to pursue what most folks in his circumstances today may believe are unattainable goals.

You, too, are somebody. You are a person of infinite worth. Will you allow yourself to experience what you really deserve?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Public Domain

We Are Meant For The Skies

A chauffeur worked for a woman who liked to take her cat with her on errands.

During one trip, the uniformed driver dropped her at a shopping mall before refueling. The cat remained in the car, lounging on top of the limousine's back seat.

The confused service station attendant stole several glances at the feline passenger relaxing in back. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

I don’t know about the cat, but I’ve wasted too many years not feeling especially important. Not that I am or ever have been any more important than anybody else. But my low self esteem as a child and young adult always had me wishing I could measure up to others. I failed to see who I really was and struggled to become the person I felt I could be.

The following story reminds me how important a healthy self-image really is: 

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eagle hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them. All his life, the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he thrashed his wings and flew a few feet in the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong, golden wings. 

The old eagle looked up in awe. “Who’s that?” he asked. 

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth – we’re chickens.” 

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that is what he thought he was. (Author unknown)

You and I were meant for the skies – not the chicken coop. Who will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/Niall Crotty

Getting to Your Life Work

Image by John Haslam

It might be more important than you realize...

A silly story is told about a farmer who stopped by his neighbors' home to let them know them that their son was stuck in a mud hole. "How deep is he sunk?" the boy's father asked.

"About to his knees," the farmer replied. He looked decidedly unconcerned.

"Well," said the father, "only up to his knees -- we've got time to set awhile an' jaw before we go."

"I don't think so," the visitor answered. "He's in head first."
   
As ridiculous as it is, the story suggests that there is a time to wait and there is a time to act. Wisdom is knowing which to do.

Some of us err on the side of jumping in and doing without thinking it through first. I have done that more than once. I've acted impulsively and regretted my haste later.

However, I sometimes catch myself erring on the other side. I too often over-think a project or problem and put off doing anything about it almost indefinitely. Which may not be a problem if I postpone a little project around the house or reading a particular book on my shelf. The project and the book will still be there tomorrow. Some things can wait with no dire consequences and I don't want to be enslaved by my to-do list.

But what if we're talking about something important...like fixing a relationship or making needed life changes? I call that life work. Though usually not urgent, it is some of the most important work a person can do. And the cost of putting off vital life work is often higher than one might realize. Broken relationships that could have been satisfying bring heartache. Attitudinal or behavioral changes never addressed will impede your personal growth and happiness for years. And what about those beautiful life dreams never pursued? Life work.

I appreciate these words from writer Og Mandino: “To be always intending to make a new and better life but never to find time to set about it is as…to put off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to the next until you’re dead.” It never seems very urgent any particular day, but to leave crucial life work behind can be one of the most destructive decisions a person can make.

Here is an important question. A year from now how will you feel about not beginning that life work you may be putting off today? Just beginning it may be all that is needed for now.

Since I began this piece with a silly story, let me end with another one. A golfer had an absolutely horrible day at the links. His ball lay on an anthill and he swung viciously with a five-iron. Again and again he missed the ball and chopped away at the hill, killing ants and sending sand flying through the air. One frightened ant turned to another and said in panic, “We’d better get on the ball if we want to stay alive!”

And that's the point -- if you have been putting off important life work, then this is your nudge to get on the ball.

I guarantee this...a year from now you'll be glad you did.

-- Steve Goodier

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Free to Be Me

I like what Quentin Crisp said about social mobility: "Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level."

And speaking of social mobility…two women happened to be seated next to each other on a plane and struck up an earnest conversation about their respective hometowns.

“Where I’m from,” one woman sniveled, “we place all our emphasis on breeding.”

Her new companion, unimpressed and uninterested in this yardstick for measuring the value of a person, just smiled. “We think that’s a lot of fun, too – but we do find time for other pursuits.”

Some people try to impress. They want to elevate themselves by conspicuous breeding, social standing, education and life-style. They believe that to be “well-bred, well-fed, well-read and well-wed” just may help them find some happiness (and a satisfying bit of deference from others).

These symbols have little meaning for other individuals. They care little about how people see them. The only standards which concern them are those they set themselves. The person they really want to please and impress most is the one looking back from the mirror.

I believe that, more than anyone else, these people know what it is to be free. Why? Because they’re free from what others think about them. They are free from feeling like they always have to please other people. They are not programmed to behave a certain way because others expect it.

One man I know likes to say, “Be yourself.  Everybody else is already taken.” But I think that author and educator Leo Buscaglia may have said it best. “The easiest thing to be in the world is you,” he said. “The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.” And that’s advice worth following.

Who decides what you will do? Who decides who you will be? Who decides what is important to you? Who sets your standards? Ultimately, who do you REALLY want to impress? Somebody else … or yourself?

The point is this: you can’t please everybody, nor should you try. So why not be sure you at least try to please the right person? That’s REAL freedom.

-- Steve Goodier

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Something You Can't Fake

One person writes: “I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.”

I find myself in some interesting places – like Love. Have you ever been in Love? It can be a hard place to leave. Occasionally I find myself in Fear, in Doubt and, at times, in Capable. I don’t like to spend a lot of time there.

But what about Sincere? Have you been in Sincere, lately? I’ve been there and it is not an honorable place to go.            

A guy was in Sincere when he bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. Well, not quite a diamond, but it looked like one.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles."

He shrugged his shoulders. "She did. But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep?"

Is there such a thing as a fake relationship?

You remember comedian Tommy Smothers' old line? “The best thing about getting older is that you gain sincerity. Once you learn to fake that, there’s nothing you can’t do.”

I heard a true story of a teenager who got a tattoo on her hip – a delicate little Japanese symbol. At her friend’s house she showed it off. The friend’s mother commented on it and the girl begged, “Please don’t tell my parents.”

The mother assured her that she wouldn’t say anything about it. Then she asked, “By the way, what does it stand for?”

"Honesty," she said.

I love irony.

When I am sincere, there’s nothing to hide. I am just me. It’s something I can’t fake. And if I’m the best me that I can be, then what can I be that is any better?

The Wall Street Journal once printed a little piece titled “Sincerity.” It is one of my favorites.

“I wish I were big enough honestly to admit all my shortcomings;
brilliant enough to accept praise without it making me arrogant;tall enough to tower above deceit;strong enough to welcome criticism;compassionate enough to understand human frailties;wise enough to recognize my mistakes;humble enough to appreciate greatness;staunch enough to stand by my friends;human enough to be thoughtful of my neighbor;and righteous enough to be devoted to the love of God.”

I am really not all that strong. I don’t always act with courage. I am certainly not as brilliant as others, as charming or as wise. But today I can be me. And when I lie down tonight, I’ll sleep easy knowing it will have been enough.

-- Steve Goodier

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There You Are

"Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral," a sailor reported to his captain, holding out a brown envelope. "I have it right here."

"Just read it to me," said the captain.

"I think it’s personal, Sir. You may want to read it in private."

"Read it aloud to me," he ordered, "unless you’re embarrassed by a little flattery." He stuck his chest out a tiny bit further.

The sailor read, "You are without a doubt, the most conceited, self-absorbed, ego-maniac ever to command a ship in this country’s navy."

The skipper scowled. "Have that communication decoded at once."

Surely it couldn’t mean what it said. The captain was like a proud lion who strutted through the jungle. The lion came across a chimpanzee. "Who is the king of the jungle?" he demanded.

"Why, of course, you are." The terrified chimpanzee trembled. With that, the lion gave a mighty roar.
 
Next he spotted a hyena. "Who is the king of the jungle?"

The hyena was quick to respond. "You are, mighty one." She bounded away without looking back.

Then the lion came across an elephant drinking from the river. "Who is the king of the jungle?" he roared.

The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air and threw him far into the water.

As the soggy and bedraggled beast struggled to shore he said, "Just because you don't know the answer is no reason to get upset."

Like the skipper, the lion had trouble hearing what he didn’t want to hear. He was king of the jungle no matter what anyone else might think.

Have you noticed – for some people, it's all about them; for others, it's all about you? Author and speaker Leil Lowndes puts it this way: "There are two kinds of people in this life. Those who walk into a room and say, 'Well, here I am.' And those who walk in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" I know which I am happiest to see.

I’ve learned how important it is to try to make others feel important. Do you know that it is easy to talk to practically anybody? If you want to find a subject of interest, ask them about themselves. Help them feel as if they matter and you will always have plenty to talk about.

It’s important to make them feel important. If you want friends, show an interest in people around you. No one is without a friend who knows how to be a friend.

And if you want to take it to the next level, treat each person you are with as if they are the most significant person in your life at that moment. That is making the shift from "Here I am" to "There you are." It is not always an easy shift to make. It may mean changing a fundamental outlook or attitude. But when one can make that change, everything else changes, too – for the better.

William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army in 1865, understood this principle. A story is told that, one Christmas season, he tried to think of a way to encourage all of his officers. The Salvation Army had seen rapid growth by this time they were spread throughout several countries. He decided to send each one a telegram. The cable consisted of a one-word message: OTHERS. His organization grew around that motto.

I can hardly think of a better motto for a life. A life dedicated to "others" is one that shouts THERE YOU ARE. It is a life that is full and happy and, best of all, worthwhile.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Tambako The Jaguar

Admitting Our Schnozzles

A humorous story has it that many years ago a soldier was sentenced to be flogged. As if something hilarious were about to happen, he chuckled as they led him away and laughed uproariously throughout the whipping.

When the painful punishment finally ended, the officer in charge demanded, “What’s so funny about a flogging? I don’t think it’s a joke.”

“Why, the joke’s on you,” smiled the soldier. “I’m the wrong man!”

I know I wouldn't laugh about a flogging, but I'd like to take myself a little less seriously. Like the Amish man who was driving his horse-drawn carriage down a modern American street. The Amish, of course, live and dress simply and shun most modern technology. So he must have known he cut an odd figure on the busy thoroughfare. But he had a sense of humor. Affixed to the back of his carriage was a hand lettered sign that read, “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.”

This man may have taken his beliefs seriously. And he may have taken his work seriously. But he didn’t take himself too seriously. I believe that’s key.

I think that comedian Jimmy Durante got it right. Durante was known for his prominent nose and often referred to it in his comedy sketches. In a moment of seriousness, he once said, “It dawned on me that as long as I could laugh, I was safe from the world; and I have learned since that laughter keeps me safe from myself, too. All of us have schnozzles that are ridiculous in one way or another; if not in our faces, then in our characters, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh and the world laughs with us.”

I don’t always have the courage to admit my schnozzles; to laugh at my short-comings. I am something of an expert at hiding them. But I do know one thing: if I want to laugh at my foibles, there is plenty of good material at hand. And I also know that when I get better at it, I’ll find myself living a happier and healthier life.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jasperdo

Colored Lights and Clear Lights

My college roommate and I decided to decorate our dormitory bedroom. We thought that colored lights would be perfect. But having none, we painted all of our light bulbs red. When we switched the lights back on, the room shone with a dark and eerie blood-red glow.

I learned a couple of things about painted light bulbs that semester. I learned, first, that one can't study by eerie, red lighting. Not that studying was the highest priority for college freshmen, but the dark red bulbs were more of a distraction than an aid.

And very quickly I learned something else. Paint burns. Smoke from our lamps and lighting fixtures sent us outside gasping for breath.

Tinted bulbs may be nice to look at, but they don't cast much light. We string colored lights as decoration. They are designed to call attention to themselves, but never to light a room. We might say, "Aren't they pretty?" Or we may say, "I see flashing colored lights behind my car!" But we do not use them to illumine an area.

Clear lights, on the other hand, show off all that is nearby. We may aim a directional light at a wall and exclaim, "What a lovely painting!" Or we might switch on the lights in our home and comment, "What a dirty bedroom." Clear lights illumine the world around them.

I wonder if people are like lights, too. Some seem to be colored lights and draw attention to themselves. Others, the clear lights, seem to shine on people in their midst.

We may say of one, "Isn't she smart? She always astounds me with her brilliance." And of another we might say, "I always feel better when he is around. He seems to know me. And he believes in me."

It is as if one shines so brilliantly that the room is filled with a colorful, dazzling glow. But the other shines on those nearby, clearly illuminating their goodness and virtues.

If I am to be a light in this world, I think I'll lose the paint. Clear lights are best.

-- Steve Goodier

Image:flickr.com/Abigail Batchelder