When Your Words Distract

Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk and ordered sharply, “I demand pandemonium!” The class quieted down immediately. “It isn’t what you demand,” she later explained, “but the way you demand it.”

It isn’t always what you say, but the way you say it. Try saying, “I love you,” with a scowl.

When I write, I try to be careful about the words I use. But most of the time, great communication isn’t about choosing great words. One marriage counselor sometimes asks couples who have difficulty communicating to forget words altogether and take 20 minutes to simply look into each other’s face and be silent together. They may see what they have missed: hurting eyes, longing hearts, unfulfilled dreams, unmet needs, or a yearning to love and be loved. They learn that deep communication, which may be the most effective kind of communication, is more than words. We communicate through our eyes, our expressions, our attentiveness, our gestures, our body language and most important of all -- our actions.

An international tourist came upon a group of people listening to an orator in the central square of a small European town. The speaker shouted from a makeshift podium. At one point, his arms waved about wildly, his stern face turned red and the veins in his neck bulged and throbbed.

Since he could not speak the language, the now curious tourist asked a man next to him what the speaker was ranting about. The man pointed to a church spire in the distance and said, “See that church steeple? The fellow who is speaking in the square is the pastor of that church. Right now he is preaching about the love of God.”

By watching him, who would know? And I wonder what kind of sermon he’d preach if he chose not to use any words at all. I suspect he may communicate something quite different...but might it possibly even be closer to the heart of God? Perhaps that beloved 12th-13th Century friar Francis of Assisi got it right. It’s said he once instructed his brother friars to go into the village and preach about the love of God to everyone they encountered. Then he added, “Use words if necessary.”

As I endeavor to share what’s in my heart, I try never to forget Francis’ instructions: use words if necessary. But what do you do when your words seem a distraction to what you really want to say? Can you say it anyway? Try it -- with no words at all. Something beautiful just might happen.

-- Steve Goodier

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The Glory of Solitude

Image by Jamie Harris

An older lady sat alone on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community. A man about her age walked over and seated himself on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman broke the silence. “Are you a stranger here?” she asked.

He replied, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?” she wondered aloud.

“In prison.”

“Oh, my! Why were you in prison?”

He fixed her with a steady gaze and quietly said, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh, I see!” the startled woman exclaimed. She let the silence hang between them. After a moment she ventured, “So…you're single...?”

We've all been lonely (but hopefully not that lonely). You may remember the Beatles song “Eleanor Rigby”:

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Loneliness is usually temporary, but sometimes chronic. It occurs when we are separated from an important relationship. Or sometimes when we never experienced the intimacy we crave to begin with. But loneliness is not at all the same as aloneness.

Can you be alone without being lonely? Theologian Paul Tillich put it this way: "Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone."

Can you be alone without being lonely? Can you spend time by yourself without craving noise or company of other people? Have you discovered the glory of quiet time spent alone, time spent listening to your soul? Solitude brings with it gifts that come from nowhere else.

Writer Ardath Rodale counseled, “Give yourself time to listen to who you are.” That is advice too important to ignore: give yourself time to listen to who you are. Have you noticed that, in English, the word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent"? In order to listen deeply, we must be silent. Alone. And in our quiet aloneness, we will hear what can be heard no other way.

That is the glory of solitude. Are you ready to give yourself that gift?

- Steve Goodier

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Finding the Right Words

Have you ever noticed how hard it can be to find the right words?

It was once said that Al Smith, former governor of New York, was making his first inspection of Sing Sing prison. The warden asked him if he might say a few words to the prisoners.

The governor began, "My fellow citizens." But he suddenly felt confused about whether the inmates may have forfeited their citizenship. So he took a second stab at it: "My fellow convicts.” There was a roar of laughter and now he became flustered. He gallantly tried a third time: "Well, anyhow, I'm glad to see so many of you here." There is no record of what he said after that.

I have frequently struggled to find the right words. And there are times I am certain the right words do not even exist. Like when I’m trying to say something hopeful or comforting in a particularly frightening situation.

More than once I have been called to a hospital emergency room or to be with a family surrounding the bed of a dying relative. And more than once I’ve been at a loss for words. What is the right thing to say at a time like that? What can I say that doesn’t sound hollow or trite or like I’m just not in touch with the feelings of others who are hurting?

A lot of us really don’t know what to say at these times. And too often the professionals who work daily with people on the ragged edge of hope have become so desensitized they have lost any ability to comfort.

A wise obstetrician at a university teaching hospital once made a comment about comforting those who suffer. Someone asked the doctor what advice he offered his students, future doctors and nurses, when caring for mothers who gave birth to stillborn infants.

The doctor paused for a moment in thought. Then he said this: "I tell them that they need two eyes. One eye is not enough; they need two eyes. With one eye they have to check the I.V. And with the other eye they have to weep. That's what I tell them," he said. "I tell them that they need two eyes."

That may be some of the wisest advice I’ve ever heard. We may not always need to figure out what to say; we really only need two eyes. In Emily Dickinson’s words, “Saying nothing... sometimes says the most.” And this from a poet whose life was all about finding exactly the right words.

I agree with the doctor – empathy goes a long way. And somehow finding the ability to feel, even for a few moments, what another is feeling may speak more loudly than the best words I can choose. It speaks to the fact that I care; I understand. It says that I am willing to share their pain so they do not feel so alone. It says I want to be fully present with them and to walk alongside of them, difficult as it may be. My presence is something they can draw real strength and hope from.

Come to think of it, maybe Dickinson did get it right: saying nothing... sometimes says the most. And saying nothing at all may be saying just the right words.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/John Greene