A Peculiar Kind Of Love

It was love at first sight. I knew how the boy felt who clambered breathlessly through his front door and cried, “Dad! I’m in love!”

“How do you know it’s love?” his father asked.

“Because, when I kissed her good night, her dog bit me and I never even felt it ‘til I got home!”

I can relate, because even without the dog-bite test I knew love when it bit me. And it must have bit her, too, because a few weeks later she asked me to marry her (well, that’s how I remember it anyway). Before long, though, I began to notice something “peculiar” about her love. She sometimes said strange things like “I love you too much to hold on to you.” Or, “I want you to be happy...even if that means we won’t be together.”

I know what she meant. She meant that marriage was a serious commitment and she didn’t want me to regret later that we plunged into it. Another time she said, “I love you so much I want to let you go. I don’t want you to feel tied to me.”

Talk like that sounded peculiar to me. You see, my love was a little different. “I love you so much I want to always keep you with me,” better described my kind of love. “I love you too much to ever let you go,” was more typical of how I felt.

My love was a hanging-on kind of love. I wanted to hang onto her no matter what. Hers was a letting-go kind of love. She wanted me to get free now, if I needed to. My love worried about what it might do to me if I lost her. Her love worried about what it might do to us if she hung on too tightly.

One day she returned from a doctor’s appointment distraught. “He told me I can’t have babies,” she said. Her swollen eyes overflowed. “I know you want children. I’ll understand if you don’t want to marry,” she continued. “I love you too much to keep you.” There again – that peculiar letting-go kind of love.

All of this happened many years ago and, in the meantime, I learned a couple things about love.

Love can sometimes be about hanging on. Through thick and thin.

But it can also be about letting go. Like opening a hand and setting a butterfly free. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

Over the years we’ve found ourselves hanging on to one another, and it’s gotten us through some pretty rough patches. But other times we had to let one another go; to go in a new direction, to spread our wings. Love is a little bit of both...hanging on and letting go.

And I learned something else, too. The doctor was wrong about the babies.

-- Steve Goodier

image: flickr.com/blinking idiot

Through It All

A student was asked to write an essay about the Quakers. He wrote: “The Quakers are very meek, quiet people who never fight or answer back. I think my father is a Quaker. Not my mother.”

Some people, like his mother, may be more verbal during conflict. Others may want to quietly mull the problem over a bit before talking about it. But conflict is a natural and even healthy part of relationships. It is especially important to resolve differences with people we care about and, when conflict is handled correctly, it can actually bring us closer together. 

Author and counselor, Charlie Shedd, reports getting this note on the kitchen counter after some unresolved conflict with his wife: “Dear Charlie, I hate you. Love, Martha.”
 
What an interesting note! She told him she was angry, but she told him something else, too. She told him that, in spite of her present feelings, she loved him. Through it all, she was saying, she will always love him. 

A basic commitment to love one another is the foundation upon which caring relationships are built. When in conflict with those closest to you, that decision to love – through it all – is vital. No technique, no amount of training, however important, will do more to get you through those tough times.

-- Steve Goodier

Relationship Basics

One man said of his marriage "I very distinctly remember our wedding day. As we unloaded the moving van into our little house, I said, 'Darling, this is your and my little world.'” Then he became pensive. “Problem is, we’ve been fighting for the world's championship ever since," he said. 

One woman was tired of the marital conflict. "Why don't we just ask God to strike one of us dead tonight,” she suggested, “then this marriage would have peace at last.” After a moment she added, “And I could go live with my sister."

All relationships experience conflict. Marriages, friendships, parents and children. But too many beleaguered relationships suffer when well-meaning people are unable to resolve their differences. Their relationships dry up, become brittle and break apart like an old and valuable photograph left in the hot sun. A union that once seemed a work of art eventually resembles a discolored and crumbling canvas. Finding and restoring those pieces to anything attractive can be a near-impossible task.

And the amazing realization is this: the incidents that finally destroy a relationship are usually small and insignificant! Momentous decisions and huge obstacles generally don't pull people apart. Most people in committed relationships can stand united when disaster strikes. It is the little problems, the insignificant stressors, that do the most damage when allowed to fester.

Do you know what issue causes the greatest number of conflicts in households? According to a recent report, people argue most often about which television show or movie to watch. Would any couple or family have believed that the selection of television programs would become their major source of conflict?

Somewhere along the line we forget to just stop and ask ourselves what is important. Sometimes we just need to remember why we got together in the first place. And remember the difference between minor inconveniences and major issues. In short, we forget the basics. And we can end up paying a high price for our forgetfulness.

For healthy and satisfying relationships, it's vital to remember these simple basics:

• The people you love are more valuable than the things you own. Put them first.
• Most problems are just inconveniences. Let them go.
• Little things, if left unattended, will grow into big things. Working through conflicts are the dues we pay for long-lasting relationships.
• Treat love as if it’s fragile. Tend it and care for it. That love, properly nurtured, will grow into one of  the strongest forces in your life.

Those are the basics. Simple, really. But they are the stuff satisfying relationships are made of.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Vic

Faces of Love

Image courtesy of Vivek Chugh

Science fiction writer Isaac Asimov penned this humorous poem:

“Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me what makes skies so blue,
And I'll tell you why I love you.

Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Tropisms make the ivy twine,
Raleigh scattering make skies so blue,
Testicular hormones are why I love you.”

What happened to that poor man in the romance department?

Actually, I suppose that what he lacks in inspiration he probably makes up for in accuracy. And accuracy is fine, but I like some mystery, too. I don't want to analyze and dissect all of the wonder out of life.

There's something mysterious about a pitch-black sky teeming with shining stars...something that causes my imagination to soar. And what about the mystery of nature? I can think of few things so thrilling as that sense of awe that explodes in my heart when I see a brilliantly blue sky over snow-capped mountain peaks. And the greatest mystery of all – love. What is more mysterious than a deep and almost perfect love felt between two otherwise imperfect people?
   
Love is mysterious. Robert Fulghum says, “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

Perhaps love has many faces. The faces easiest to see are ones of infatuation and romance. We speak of “falling in love” and feel, too, as if we are in free fall. This is the face of love that inspires songs and poetry and romance novels.

But the face of love I appreciate most is not romance, as much as I am drawn to it, but one I can always count on to be there. It is the face of love that looks more like commitment or devotion – devotion of a parent for a child, or of couples who've lived and loved together for years.

This particular face of love is not a magnet that attracts two people to each other, but glue that holds them together for the long term. It is a face of love often seen on parents and grandparents and close friends who have been through good times and bad with one another.

I recall a story about a husband and wife who were engaged in a minor dinnertime disagreement. To the children’s amazement, their father jumped up from the table, grabbed two sheets of paper, and said to his wife, “Let’s make a list of everything we don’t like about each other.”
   
She agreed and proceeded to write. He, meanwhile, sat and glowered. She looked up and he began to write.
   
They finally finished. “Let’s exchange complaints,” he said and they passed their lists across the table.
   
She glanced at his sheet and pleaded, “Give mine back!” All down his sheet he had written: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I presume he gave the paper back, for their children remember that moment with humor and fondness.
   
As much as I enjoy romance, it’s commitment that I need the most. I need to know a love I can depend on, a love that says, “I will be with you through it all. I love you. And I will love you even when you may not be all that lovable, for sometimes I'm not very lovable either. You can count on me - always.”

Maybe love is mysterious, but that kind of love is solid. Rock solid. And, of all the faces of love, it's my favorite.

-- Steve Goodier

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Love Is Understanding

Image courtesy of Omar Franco

Do you know what the most common craving is among pregnant women? (I'm sure this is factual.) The most common craving among pregnant women is not spicy food, pickles or ice cream. Not even close. It is for MEN to get pregnant.
 
Why? Because then they would know what it is like. Then they might be more patient. What most women need during times of cravings, discomfort, swollen ankles and morning sickness is...understanding. Much of our conflict is the result of MISunderstanding.
 
As a new bride, one woman moved into the small home on her husband's ranch in the mountains. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
 
For 50 years he left the box alone, until his life partner was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
 
Opening it, he discovered two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
 
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
 
Her husband was touched that in 50 years she'd only been upset enough to make two doilies. "What about the $82,500?" he asked.
 
She explained, "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
 
Making doilies might take your mind off the problem, but nothing will change if you don’t address it. The path from conflict to love is not by way of arts and crafts, it is through the gates of conversation and understanding.
 
You've heard it said: "Love is patient and kind." Patient and kind, yes, but love is also understanding. Maybe that’s what makes it so lovely.
 
-- Steve Goodier

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You're Stuck with Me

Image by Namor Trebat

Even though her toddler was throwing a furious tantrum, (or, as my southern American friends might say, pitching a fit) from the seat of a grocery cart, one mother was unfazed. “You may as well give up on the crying,” she said as calmly as if she were soothing her to bed instead of leading her out of the store.  “It won’t work. You're stuck with me for 18 years.”

That little child may not know how lucky she is to be stuck with her for 18 years. Even when she’s cranky, out of sorts or otherwise going through a phase, her mother will be there. She’s stuck with her. Most relationships that truly matter are built on that kind of sticking-power. And not everyone has someone they can always count on to stick around.

A university instructor posed a riddle to her graduate education class. “What has four legs and leaves?” she asked, hoping the students would realize that by considering alternative meanings to the words “legs” and “leaves” that they could arrive at the solution – a table. However, one woman unexpectedly answered, “My last two boyfriends.” Maybe you can relate.

People will leave relationships for any number of reasons. And sometimes we should put certain relationships behind. Not every friendship or romance has a healthy future. Sometimes we bring along so many destructive problems and behaviors that a happy relationship has no chance of long-term survival. Sometimes addictions make staying in a relationship impossible. Sometimes leaving is necessary.

But there’s also a time to stick around. Something all relationships of many years have in common is this: every one of them is made up of people who have had plenty of opportunities to bolt or quit, to move out or to move on, but they stuck around.  Maybe because they knew that the people they love are not always “lovable” or easy to be with, and that’s okay. They want a relationship that matters, one that is important and lasting, and that kind is nurtured by patience and understanding. 

Author John Gray sometimes tells about a young mother who asked her visiting brother to get her some pain pills. He forgot and, when her husband returned home, she was upset and in pain – more than a bit crazy. He experienced her anger as a personal assault and exploded in defense. They exchanged harsh words and he headed for the door.

His wife said, “Stop, don’t leave. This is when I need you the most! I’m in pain. I’ve had no sleep. Please listen. You are a fair-weather friend. If I’m sweet, you’re okay; but if I’m not, out you go!” And then tearfully, and more subdued, she said, “I’m in pain. I have nothing to give. Please hold me. Don’t speak...just hold me.” He held her and neither spoke – until she thanked him for being there.

I suspect there will be plenty of other times their relationship will be tested. And I also suspect that every time it goes through a rough patch and survives some sort of adversity, every time they decide that being together is important enough to stick it out and fix what’s wrong, then it will change. Maybe not much, but a little. And in time, little by little, that relationship, their “togetherness,” will become a thing of beauty; a pearl of great value.

And definitely worth sticking around for.

-- Steve Goodier

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Secrets of Staying in Love

The results are in. I have learned that, after careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named: "Mr. Potato Head." Let me tell you why. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

I don't know if Mr. or Ms. Potato Head is right for you. But I'm not a big believer in the idea that we MUST find a perfect match, anyway. There are plenty of happy people who are not paired with someone else. And there are also plenty who may not say they found Mr. or Ms. Right, but are living quite happily with Mr. Almost Right or Ms. Close Enough.

Marriage and long-term commitments may not be for everyone, but if you plan to be with someone a long time, can you stay in love? Does a lifetime relationship have to seem more like a life sentence? I think we're tempted to believe that real love is a myth, a long-term relationship is a marathon and romance is for kids. Are there secrets to staying in love? Over the long haul?

I believe in love and romance, and I know it can last a lifetime. I also believe there are a few simple things we can do to help our love grow over the years.

For one thing, find time to date. I don’t mean time to rehash the stuff you talk about all week long. Get away and talk about things that matter. Use this as time to focus on one another, not to solve problems or to raise issues. There are other times to bring up difficult subjects.

Next, understand what delights the other and make it happen. "The romance is over," says Marlys Huffman, "when you see a rosebush and start looking for aphids instead of picking a bouquet." What makes him laugh? What brings her pleasure? And what can you do today to delight each other?

Also, remember why you got together in the first place. When you focus first on his faults you're not thinking about his strengths. When you're busy pointing out her imperfections, you're not enjoying those qualities that attracted you to her initially. Choose to appreciate that which first drew you together and remember it often.

And always – plan enough time for fun. And don’t always plan times for fun -- be spontaneous. Laugh. Go places. Play.

A woman from Charleston, South Carolina was overheard to remark that it was her 53rd wedding anniversary. When asked if she planned a special celebration, she smiled and said softly, "When you have a nice man, it really doesn't matter." I suspect they learned the secrets of staying in love.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/iamkev

True Love

I’m not sure I can always tell love from passion. One father said of his teenaged son, “I don’t know if he’s in love or in heat!” What teenager would know? Besides, feelings of attraction can change more quickly than a pouty expression.

But love, in its truest form, is greater than feelings. It is as much a decision as it is a feeling.

Love is what Mr. and Mrs. Strauss shared. Mrs. Isadore Strauss was one of the few first class women passengers to go down with the Titanic in 1912, and she drowned because she could not bear to leave her husband.

They remained calm throughout the nightmarish experience of the sinking vessel. They both aided frightened women and children to find places aboard lifeboats. Finally, Mr. Strauss, who had repeatedly urged his wife to claim a spot safely aboard a lifeboat, forced her to enter one.

She was seated but a moment, however, when she sprang up and climbed back on deck before he could stop her. There, she caught his arm, snuggling it familiarly against her side, and exclaimed, “We have been long together for a great many years. We are old now. Where you go, I will go.”

Where you go, I will go. It is a decision to be together, come what may. I suspect she said something like that to him many times before. Maybe the words she used were different, but the meaning was the same. I want to be with you. Let’s do this together.

Where you go, I will go. It’s a decision to love. It is deciding to be there, wherever “there” may be. It is a decision to sacrifice, if sacrifice is needed. And it is choosing to re-decide it all over again tomorrow and the next day and the next.

As the ship sank beneath icy water on that cold and dark, April night, the Strausses merely re-made a decision they had made many times before throughout their life together. They decided on each other.

Where you go, I will go. At the heart of true love is often a decision, made again and again, to face the next day together … hand in hand.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimage.com/Julie Freeman-Woolpert

When You Say, "I Love You"

Just as the delivery van pulled away from the florist, the manager came running out. There was a cancellation on one of the orders, and he needed it back.

"Which one?" asked the driver.

"The one that reads 'Darling, I will love you forever.'"

They wanted it back? What happened to I'll love you forever?

When we “fall in love,” who doesn’t feel that it will last forever? But we change. And as we do, our love changes, too.

Do you remember the touching interchange between Tevye and Golde in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof”?

“Do you love me?” Tevye asked his wife.

“Do I what?” Golde responded.

“Do you love me?”

“Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town, you are upset, you are worn out, go inside, go lie down, maybe its indigestion.”

“Golde, I’m asking you a question. Do you love me?”

“You’re a fool.”

“I know, but do you love me?”

“For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why speak of love right now? I’m your wife,” she said.

“But do you love me?”

Now Golde becomes reflective. “For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is?”

“Then you love me?”

“I suppose I do.”

“It’s nice to know.”

And it IS nice to know, for twenty five years is a long time. Time enough for things to change. Time enough to quit.

My wife and I were married when we were young. And I have to say, I don’t love her like I used to. I’ve changed, and so has she. Enough years will do that. We’ve been through ups and downs. We grew older. And I my feelings for her grew older, too.

The relationship feels more secure now. I think it is a better love than years ago – more enduring. More solid. Like the two of us, our love grew up.

And maybe she could live the rest of her life without saying, “I love you.” I know how she feels. But she says it anyway.

And it’s nice to know.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Sh4rp_i

Bringing Harmony to Discord

I once talked with a couple about their marriage. They completed personality “testing” and were discussing some differences that had frustrated them both over the years. I summarized some of those differences for them.

“You are sensitive,” I said to the husband. He nodded affirmatively. “You try to keep harmony in the relationship. It is important to you that you don’t have too much conflict, so you tend to give in often in order to keep the peace.” He agreed.

“You like affection and will often reach out and hold your wife’s hand for no reason at all.” He smiled and nodded.

“And you remember birthdays and special days – these are important to you.” He continued to smile and nod.

“And you particularly appreciate it when she says, ‘I love you.’ In fact, you need her to say that at least once a day.”

“EXACTLY!” he exclaimed with a broad smile, looking at his wife.

Then I spoke to her. “And you appreciate his sensitivity, but you tend to be more rational and logical.” She smiled and nodded.

“You can be more objective than he can about personal criticism and may sometimes be too blunt with him.” They both agreed.

“You like affection, but you don’t require it like he does. If you hold hands or not, that is unimportant to you.” She continued to nod.

“And you also appreciate the fact that he remembers those special days, but if he were to forget one, that would not upset you. In fact, you have to remember to say, ‘I love you’ to him, not because you don’t love him, but because saying it is just something you don’t think about often.” She agreed, looking at her husband.

“Saying words like ‘I love you’ does not mean the same thing to you as it does to him. You know you love him. In fact, you looked into his eyes when you got married and said, ‘I love you’ and figured that, if you ever change your mind, you’ll let him know.”

“EXACTLY!” she exclaimed, with a smile.

They told me that the discussion helped them to simply understand one another and to accept themselves. Rather than trying to change the other to get their own needs met, they could more easily appreciate their differences and also appreciate themselves as they are.

They found harmony where there used to be discord.

We don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note. Only notes that are different can harmonize. The same is true with people.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jason Jacobs