Trying to Listen Louder

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. “How much do they run?” he asked the clerk.

“That depends,” said the salesman. “They run from $3.00 to $3,000.”

“Let’s see the $3.00 model,” he said.

The clerk put the device around the man’s neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” the customer asked. “For $3.00 – it doesn’t work,” the salesman replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll TALK LOUDER.”

Maybe that’s the one to buy. Another man, talking to his neighbor, said, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me eight hundred dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.”

“Really!” his neighbor exclaimed. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.” 

As you know, most communication problems are not due to people with hearing problems. It’s that we more often have listening problems. Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “A person’s real need, a most terrible need, is for someone to listen…not as a ‘patient’ but as a human soul.” To listen well is to respond to a great human yearning. Maybe that’s one of the reasons folks will pay hundreds of dollars an hour for no other reason than to have someone listen to them. When someone truly listens it is rare and beautiful.

One small child put it like this: “I’ll try to listen louder.” What might happen if you “listened louder” today?

-- Steve Goodier

You Are One of Us

Salt Lake City, Utah, is a worldwide center for genealogical research. Even the big department stores sell genealogy supplies.

One newcomer to Salt Lake City, and a non-researcher, got a job as a clerk at one of those big department stores. She received her introduction to genealogy one day when a customer came into the store and asked, “Where do I find the family group sheets?”

The new clerk, with a shocked look on her face, answered, “Family group sheets? All we carry are the king, queen, double and twin-size sheets.”

I suppose family-sized bedding is taking closeness a bit far. But having family or close friends is one of the essential needs of all people. We long for emotional support and intimacy.

Most of us are familiar with studies that have shown that people suffering from cancer or vascular problems have a higher survival rate when they enjoy a strong support system of family and friends. People need people.

Moreover, a supportive wider community can also be important. I remember reading about scores of people who gathered on a California beach one evening, lighting candles and lifting voices in song. Mostly strangers to one another, they came there to grieve the loss of 88 persons who died when a jetliner crashed into the ocean off their coast. They were not even family and friends of the victims − simply concerned residents who cared.

“Your joy, your pain, your loss, your gain − are ours...for you are one of us.” That is the powerful message of community, of family. At its best, even an Internet family can help fill our need for closeness. Your joy, your pain, your loss, your gain − can be shared. You belong. And together, we’ll celebrate what we can. And we’ll get through the rest by hanging on to each other.

Welcome to the family.

-- Steve Goodier

Connected for Life

Do you find yourself pulling away from others, especially if you’ve experienced a crisis or deep disappointment? Maybe the most difficult thing we can do is to be with people when we don’t feel like being around anybody. We need other people and we’ll never thrive as human beings in isolation

One woman likes to say, “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.” The presumption is that men are not empathetic, and there is probably some truth there.

But I meet with a small group of men that challenge that assertion. We meet for one reason only – to support each other in our life journeys. We ask embarrassing questions like, “How is it with your soul?” And, “How are you REALLY doing?” We try to answer honestly and to share what is good in our lives, but also relate what is not going well. Where possible, we try to admit our failings in a situation as well as what we think we may be doing right. We use each other for a reality check, for support and, of course, for friendship.

It’s the only group in my life where I can be totally honest and know that they will accept me anyway. We meet only to listen to each other, support one another and, if need be, to occasionally challenge one another. The point is – we need each other.

A man who lost his wife to cancer found himself wanting to be alone. In time he dropped out of his worshipping community and curtailed all of the activities he and his wife had shared for so many years. He increasingly kept to himself. He quit socializing at work and returned straight home to an empty house. He turned down invitations from friends and co-workers. His leisure time was now spent watching television or working in his shop in the basement.

His contact with people dwindled until friends became alarmed that he might live out his life as a recluse. One came by to visit and to invite him over for supper the next evening. The two old friends sat in comfortable chairs by a warm fireplace. The visitor extended the dinner invitation and encouraged him to come. “You may need to allow others to share your pain.”

The man responded that he figured he was better off without being around other people. After all, others only seemed to remind him of all he had lost. “And besides,” he said, “it’s just too difficult to get out anymore.”

They sat in silence for a while, watching the wood burn in the fireplace. Then the visitor did an unusual thing. He took tongs from a rack by the fireplace, reached into the fire, pulled out a flaming ember and laid it down by itself on the hearth. “That’s you,” he said.

The men sat in silence watching the red-hot ember. It slowly lost its glow. Neither man looked away as the once-hot coal gradually transformed into a crusty, black lump. After some moments, the widower turned to his companion and said, “I get the message, my friend. I’ll be over tomorrow evening.”

We cannot survive in any healthy way by ourselves. The leaf needs the branch. The branch needs the trunk. The trunk needs the roots. And the roots need the rest of the tree. We are connected. And in that connection we find life and vitality.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Kik

'Ohana Means Family

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them complained of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather. Now – tell me about your family problems."

I don’t know if sorting out your family is a problem. A bigger issue for many of us is that we want more from family life than just knowing who's who, and more than we’re presently getting.

One of the most common complaints I hear from families is that they are not close. They may be close in proximity, but still not feel close as a family. They may live next door or even in the same house, but feel more like strangers.

Hawaiians have a powerful word for family: ‘ohana. In 'ohana, people matter. And they know it. As Lilo says in "Lilo and Stitch, "’Ohana means family. Family means no one is left behind - or forgotten." Families that value closeness work hard to keep anyone from feeling left behind or forgotten.

In my family, closeness is not so much about latitude as about attitude. We live far apart from one another, so we need a willingness to do what it takes. We feel closest when we feel understood, when we feel loved and when we look forward to time we can spend together. When we succeed, no one feels left behind – or forgotten.

A reader in Hawaii once wrote to tell me that the CEO of one of the state's largest banks was considering a run for governor. Since he was well-liked, he seemed to have a good chance of winning.

But, before filing papers, he changed his mind, stating that he wanted to spend more time with his family. Not that elected officials can't be family-oriented, but he reasoned he needed more time at home than the job allowed.

Ronald A. Young, in the "Honolulu Advertiser," praised the decision. "No matter what you accomplish in the business world or the social world," he said, "if you fail 'ohana, then you have not accomplished much. Failure or success does not lie in the material wealth you provide them. It is measured by what of yourself you give to them."

And that’s the question, isn’t it? What of myself do I give to them? What am I willing to give to ‘ohana? Because no one should be left behind – or forgotten.

-- Steve Goodier

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For Closeness: T-R-A-V-E-L

For closeness: travel. No, I don't mean to go to take a road trip or to fly away to some exotic place. But there are ways to go deeper into a relationship –- like traveling. And there are things we can do to help a relationship really go somewhere. Let me explain.

Inmate Mitchell King had a visitor -- his wife. King was serving a six-year jail term in Auckland, New Zealand for armed robbery. But his wife didn't want to be away from him for that long. So they held hands. She wanted them to always stick together - through it all. Hand in hand, forever joined. And they did stick together. She had rubbed her palms with Super Glue.

Their new-found closeness was short-lived. And their separation painful. (I suggest we put the Super Glue idea on a short list of "THINGS NOT TO DO" when we want to grow closer.)

But if you want a deeper connection with someone you care about, if you want relationships that are more intimate, more meaningful and longer-lasting, then try this simple technique. Just remember the word "TRAVEL."

T is for TRUST. If we're seeking a glue to cement us to another, then trust is that bond. A relationship will go nowhere without it.

R is for RESPECT. Some people talk about how much they have always respected their cherished friends and family at a funeral. But why wait? People want to know that we hold them in high regard. It's about valuing others and letting them know you respect them.

A is for AFFECTION. Sometimes affection means love. Sometimes it means a touch. Or a hug. Always it means kindness.

V is for VULNERABILITY. Though we may feel afraid to let another too close, no relationship will go anywhere without taking a risk. Like entrepreneur Jim Rohn says, "The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy." And the love.

E is for EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. It about learning to be open. Learning to communicate freely. The quality of relationships we make are largely determined by how openly we communicate.

L is for LAUGHTER. Victor Borge got it right when he said, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." It's also the most enjoyable.

So for a relationship that can really go somewhere, just remember the word "TRAVEL." Then enjoy the trip.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Nick Haskins

No One to Phone

One afternoon after the death of her grandfather, Carol lay huddled on her bed, sobbing forlornly. Her mother sat beside her and asked, “What’s the matter, honey?”

“I miss my grandpa, and I miss talking to him about my problems,” the girl said.

“I know, dear,” sympathized her mother. “I miss him too. But can’t you talk to me?” Carol shook her head vehemently.

“Why not?” her mother persisted.

“Because you’re what we talked about,” sobbed Carol.

Children may not always confide in their parents. And adults may choose not to confide in many of their friends and family. But it is important to have someone with whom we can be emotionally intimate.

Tragically, it has been estimated that the majority of men, and many women, have nobody they could phone at 2:00 in the morning if their lives fall apart. They believe there is nobody who really wants to hear from them in a crisis. Too many of us are utterly without close and intimate friends.

The philosopher Goethe once observed, “The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers and cities; but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth an inhabited garden.”

Who can you be vulnerable with? Is the earth, for you, more like a lonely desert or an inhabited garden? The difference may simply be in whom you feel free to call at your most wounded moments. Do you have such a person? And are you such a person for someone else?

As it has been said, “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” If we are to find the kind of friend who knows the song in our hearts, we must also BE that kind of friend. And since good friends take time to grow, today is a good day to work on those friendships.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Alon