Just Seeing What Life Brings

You’ve heard it said that what you see is what you get. But what I’ve discovered is that it’s not what you see, but what you think you see, that determines what you get.

In the “Journal of the American Medical Association,” Dr. Paul Ruskin demonstrated how our perception of reality (not actually what is going on, but how we perceive it) determines how we feel about it. While teaching a class on the psychological aspects of aging, he read the following case to his students:

The patient neither speaks nor comprehends the spoken word. Sometimes she babbles incoherently for hours on end. She is disoriented about person, place, and time. She does, however, respond to her name. I have worked with her for the past six months, but she still shows complete disregard for her physical appearance and makes no effort to assist her own care. She must be fed, bathed, and clothed by others. Because she has no teeth, her food must be pureed. Her shirt is usually soiled from almost incessant drooling. She does not walk. Her sleep pattern is erratic. Often she wakes in the middle of the night, and her screaming awakens others. Most of the time she is friendly and happy, but several times a day she gets quite agitated without apparent cause. Then she wails until someone comes to comfort her.

After presenting the case, Dr. Ruskin asked his students how they would like caring for this person. Most of them said they would not like it at all. He then said that he believed he would especially enjoy it and thought that they might, also. He passed a picture of the patient around for his puzzled students to see. It was his six-month-old daughter.

Most of the students thought that what they saw, in Ruskin’s description, was the task of caring for a difficult elderly woman with severe dementia and loss of bodily control with little or no self awareness. But when shown the picture, they realized that what they thought they saw and what they now clearly saw were quite different realities.

I have numerous tasks ahead today. How will I see them? Am I already seeing something I think I’ll dread without giving it a chance? Am I seeing something as negative when it could turn out to be rewarding or even a great opportunity for some growth? And what if I chose not to expect the worst and just see what life brings me?

I feel better about my day already.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jason Hoang

Surprise!

Have you been surprised lately?

A woman called her pastor. "We just won $10 million in the lottery!" she exclaimed. "But I'm afraid to tell my husband. He has a weak heart and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. Pastor, would you be able to tell him for me?"

The clergyman thought that perhaps he could, so he came right over and sat down with the man. "What would you do," he began, "if you were to win $500,000 in the lottery?"

"I suppose my wife could quit her job and I could work less and relax more," the man reflected.

"What would you do if you were to win a million dollars?" the pastor continued.

"If I were to win that much we could both retire," the man said. "Life would be easy."

The clergyman forged on. "Well, what would you do if you were to win five million dollars?"

"We could do anything we wanted," he mused. "We could travel, live anywhere in the world and enjoy a life we never dreamed was possible."

Finally he got to it. "Now tell me...what would you do if you won ten million dollars in the lottery?"

"Ten million dollars? Why, if I ever won that much, Pastor, I know one thing for sure. I'd give half of it to you and the church."

You guessed it. The pastor had a heart attack.

I don't know if a gift of massive wealth will turn out as wonderful as one might think, but it's probably a good thing that most surprises don't come in such huge helpings. I think I prefer my surprises to come in smaller, bite-sized portions. Even the good ones. And I'm discovering that the world is full of daily, happy surprises, if I just have eyes to see.

Have you noticed that we will tend to see what we look for and miss most of the rest? I once observed a class instructor hold up a large sheet of white paper. It seemed to be clean except for a black dot in the center made by a heavy marker. He asked us to tell him what we saw. Everyone who raised their hand predictably pointed out the black mark, each describing it differently. Then the teacher asked, “Why didn't anyone say they saw a sheet of white paper?”

Was that answer too obvious? Maybe so, but I often miss the obvious because I'm busy looking for something else. I might be surprised at what I can see if I were to actually look for it.

If I search for mistakes in myself or others, I will find enough to keep me critical for a week. Likewise, if I look every day for what is admirable in others, what is pure in myself and what is lovely in the world, all of these things suddenly become obvious. But the large sheet of white paper is easy to miss when I am searching for black smudges.

Confucius taught, “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” And baseball great Yogi Berra added, “You can observe a lot by watching.” It's about what I'm going to look for, and that's enough of a surprise for me.

– Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/grietgriet

It's MY Point of View

Image courtesy of Stephen Tainton

Two men fell on hard times. Try as they might, they couldn’t find work. They heard that a museum was willing to pay $50 apiece for live rattlesnakes so, in desperation, they decided to catch snakes.

Outfitted with a net and basket, they hiked to a remote area renowned for its large snake population. But as they scaled a steep ledge, rock gave way and they tumbled down a slippery bank – into a deep pit crawling with rattlesnakes.

               

One of the men quickly sized up the situation and shouted to his friend, “Look! We’re rich! We’re rich!”

               

Okay, maybe he didn’t fully appreciate his predicament. But in most situations, I believe there is a sunny side. Take aging, for instance. As we grow older, our skin turns from satin to cotton to seersucker to corduroy. And though we might be encouraged that at least wrinkles don’t hurt, valuable experience, deep understanding and hard-won wisdom can also come with years of living. Some people are merely aging  –  others are “sageing.” The difference is in outlook.

               

It has to do with how we consider our situation. Like a sign spotted outside a quaint shop: “We buy junk. Antiques for sale.” I wonder, is my attic full of junk or antiques? What about my life? I’m learning it’s a matter of perspective; it’s a matter of how I want to look at what comes my way. And it’s also a matter of choice, because perspective is something I choose more often than I realize.

               

I’ve learned that my greatest power may well be my power to choose my outlook. As Abraham Lincoln wisely said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” The truth is, I can choose to view tough times as growing times, I can choose to see aging as seasoning and I can choose to focus on whatever good there is to be found in living.

               

I choose. After all, it’s MY point of view.

-- Steve Goodier

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What About Trust?

Image courtesy of Julia Freeman-Woolpert

A veterinarian prescribed three huge pills to be given to a sick mule. “How do I get him to take the pills?” the farmer asked.
 
“It’s quite simple,” replied the vet. “Just insert the pill into a pipe. Put the pipe in the mule’s mouth and blow on the other end. He will swallow the pill without realizing it.”
 
The next day the farmer returned, looking sickly. “You look awful!” said the doctor. “What happened?”
 
The farmer explained, “He blew first.”
 
And if, like the pill, you find that story hard to swallow, then you’re in good company. A healthy skepticism is probably needed to get by these days. My email spam folder is filled with offers from folks who want nothing more than to help me get rich – even total strangers who want to send me tons of money and all I have to do is to give them enough personal banking information to make the deposit. It’s probably a good thing that I’m not willing to swallow every fantastic claim that comes my way.
 
Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip once had Calvin asking, “Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, ‘I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them’?” No, just because someone says the water is fine, I don’t have to fling myself in. If there is any truth in James Thurber’s assertion that “you can fool too many of the people too much of the time,” then I don’t need to be the first to volunteer.
 
But what about trust? I don’t want to become too cynical, either. I don’t want to go through life believing that behind every act of kindness there is a hidden motive, that inside every silver lining there is a dark cloud ready to disgorge bucketfuls of water on my little parade. I don’t want be wary of every stranger I meet and turn a suspicious eye to any good thing that comes my way.
 
Why not? Because I want to trust people. It is not nearly so important for me hone a sharp edge of skepticism as to be somebody with a keen ability to trust.
 
Relationships that work, after all, are built on trust. Trust in families is essential if want to raise healthy, happy children. As adults, we want to be trusted by others and our closest friends are usually people we can depend on. And what’s left in marriage when trust is shattered?
 
This is equally true in the world of business. My friend and business entrepreneur Bob Burg teaches, "All things being equal, people will do business with, and refer business to, those people they know, like and trust.” He should know. He built a business, and a life, on the principle of trust.
 
I am discovering that I can live far better without cynicism than I can without trust. And so I worry less these days about naively swallowing everything I hear and more about fine tuning an ability to catch glimpses of whatever good there may be around me.
 
In his poem “Desiderata” (1927), Max Erhmann offers this deep wisdom:
 

“Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism…
 
“Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass…

“Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

It IS a beautiful world. May I have eyes to see it.
 
-- Steve Goodier

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Turn the Paper Sideways

freeimages.com/Svilen Milev

Sometimes I need to approach a persistent problem with a new way of thinking. The Spanish poet Juan Ramón Jiménez said, “If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.” His image reminds me to always be my own person, but it also challenges me to think creatively. Turning the paper sideways is like looking at situations from different angles.

Henry L. Mencken said it first: “For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.” And how often I am determined to keep pounding on that simple and neat solution until I make it work, or else I finally give up altogether. But success will surprisingly come when I decide to look at the thing from a wholly different perspective. 

Several all night convenience stores in New York City learned something about viewing problems another way. Evidently, some of the stores had a problem with teenagers hanging out in their parking lots late into the night. Not that they didn’t like kids; they liked them very much. But customers complained that they were afraid to approach them in the dark and push through them to enter the store. Neighbors complained that couldn’t sleep with the noise. And store personnel were worried about the well-being of the young people themselves. Late at night, these neighborhoods were unsafe. 

Managers tried various methods to solve the problem. They asked the kids to find a safer place to congregate. They asked them to move away from the doors so customers didn’t have to push through them. They asked them to discard their cigarette butts and trash in outdoor receptacles and not litter the parking lot. Each solution was simple, neat and completely ineffective. It seems that any of them should have worked. But none of them did and many of the store managers eventually gave up in frustration on solving the problem.

Finally, one man came up with an unusual idea. He decided he had been approaching the situation all wrong. Asking the teens to change their behavior didn’t work, so he tried something different. He just piped easy-listening music into the parking lot -- slow, soothing instrumentals especially suited for mature listeners.

No more loitering.

Sometimes we just need to look at things differently. Again and again we butt up against the same old problem. It may involve a child or parent, a friend or lover. It might be a problem with a co-worker. Maybe it’s just a complex situation we’re working through, or a personal problem with which we can’t seem to make any headway. And so far, everything we’ve tried has failed. Perhaps it’s time to turn the paper around and write the other way; to look at the problem a whole new way.

Here’s a good question to ask: “How can I come at this thing from a different angle?” Because there is likely something you’re not seeing.

A father and his daughter were stopped by a flight attendant before boarding their plane. The problem? The little girl was clutching a large bouquet of balloons. In sympathetic tones, the attendant told the child that she would not be permitted to travel with all of the balloons. “Only one is allowed per passenger,” she said in a voice that concluded there’s nothing to be done. After all, rules are rules.

Father and daughter decided they could each carry one. So with tears in her eyes, the little child selected her two favorite balloons for the flight. But before she could discard the rest, another passenger intervened. “Here, I’ll take one,” he said. He quickly saw a solution to the problem and proceeded to give one balloon to anybody in line who would take one. As she disembarked, every balloon was returned to the happy child.

Here was a man who just looked at the problem a different way. Instead of saying, “There’s nothing be done,” he turned the paper sideways and the answer was clear.

When you turn your paper sideways, what do you see?

-- Steve Goodier

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Finding the Funny Side

How are you at finding the funny side of a situation?

In America, each of the states likes to promote themselves with a slogan. I currently live in Utah, where the slogan is “Life Elevated.” It’s a nod to outdoor recreation in the high country, including the ski industry. I previously lived in Colorado, a land with red dirt, majestic mountains and golden plains. The slogan there is “Colorful Colorado.” Years ago I lived in the “Peach State” of Georgia, and I grew up in New Mexico, whose slogan is "Land of Enchantment."

New Mexico is a land of high, arid desert and it has a beauty of its own. I have never seen a sunset as spectacular as one in the New Mexico desert. The western sky can glow a brilliant orange behind red and purple clouds.  

But this is also a country of wind, lots of it. A gritty wind can howl for hours, and “dust devils” (funnel-shaped whirlwinds) will appear without notice.

We never seemed to get away from dust in New Mexico, so I appreciate the story of a newcomer to the Land of Enchantment who learned about dusty breezes. She was visiting an antique shop and the proprietor wiped down every item before showing it. The newcomer said, "Everything gets dusty here pretty quickly, doesn't it?"

"That's not dust, honey," the shop owner replied. "That's ENCHANTMENT."

Here was a person who took a negative and turned it into something humorous. That made the problem more palatable - easier to swallow, or at least live with. And face it: there are some things, like the weather, that we can’t change. All we can change is our attitude toward them. I believe one of the best techniques to do this is to find some humor in the situation. Finding the funny side of a difficulty, an irritation or a troublesome problem can be one of the most creative and effective things we can do.  

A Hong Kong shopping center manager was informed that an escalator broke. He posted a sign to warn customers. He opted not to use the traditional "Out of Order" or "Do Not Use" warnings. Instead, his sign read, "This Escalator Is Temporarily a Stairway." He turned a minus into humor and made it a plus. Sometimes the only sense you can make of a situation is a sense of humor.

How are you at finding the funny side?

-- Steve Goodier

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Making the Best of You

A middle-aged man decided to take up running. He found a sports shop carrying a wide variety of running shoes. While trying on a pair, he noticed a little pocket on the side of the shoe.

“What’s this thing for?” he asked the sales clerk.

“Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call a friend to come pick you up when you've jogged too far.”

That would probably never be a problem for me. I know avid runners and gym enthusiasts who can’t wait to get out in the morning and work up a healthy sweat before starting the day. THEY are likely to jog too far. I know others, however, who exercise with a grim determination to get through the workout because they know it’s good for them, like a child forcing down the healthy breakfast cereal when all the while wishing she were eating the sugary bowl advertized on television. Whereas the first group is anxious to work out, the second group needs a good reason to push through the workout session. I find myself squarely in the second group. I cannot imagine myself jogging too far.

Of course, if I begin each morning with an exercise regimen, I feel better all day long. And I know I am healthier. But when I wake up feeling good -- no aches, no soreness, no stiff muscles – I suddenly find good reasons to skip my routine. I am too busy today; I just need some quiet time; there is something else I’d rather do. It is the aching back and stiffness in my neck that prods me to do what I ought to do anyway.

Oddly enough, my sore and aching muscles are probably good for me – they motivate me to take better care of myself. It’s not about just making the best of my aches and pains -- THEY are actually making the best of me.

Abraham Lincoln knew the value that difficulties can bring to a life. One of his cabinet appointees, Edwin Stanton, frequently found flaws with the president and criticized him -- sometimes in public. But Lincoln seemed to show excessive patience with him. The president was asked why he kept such a man in a high level position.

Lincoln characteristically responded with a story. He told about a time he was visiting with an old farmer. He noticed a big horsefly biting the flank of the farmer's horse. Lincoln said he reached over to brush the fly away. As he did so, the farmer stopped him and cautioned, "Don't do that, friend. That horsefly is the only thing keeping this old horse moving."

Even life's many irritations and problems have their place. That horsefly kept the horse moving. Edwin Stanton, no Yes Man, kept the president sharper, honest and self-reflective. My sore muscles and aching back keep me exercising regularly.

Sometimes we make the best of our problems. But how wonderful it is when those problems can make the best of us.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/3xpo