Magic Keys to Living with Integrity

“Learn to say no,” said Charles Spurgeon. “It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.” These days we can get along amazingly well without being able to read Latin. But we absolutely need to learn to say no, and more importantly, when to say it.

One educator used to say that no society can last long unless it has a quorum of “unpurchasable people.” These are people of principle who cannot be bought; people who have learned to say no. These so-called unpurchasable people are those rare souls we can absolutely trust. They are glue that holds society together.

Whitney Seymour, in the book Making A Difference, tells us of such an unpurchasable man. This man was a Union general in charge of the occupied territory surrounding New Orleans toward the end of the American Civil War. He was pressed by local plantation owners to permit them to haul their cotton to the wharves in order for it to be sold for shipment to England. The general controlled all the wagons and horses, and his orders from high command in Washington were clear. He was not to let the cotton crop get to market.

One day, however, two Southern ladies were ushered into the general’s office - a “grande dame” and a beautiful young companion. The older lady came right to the point. She said that the landowners needed the temporary use of transport facilities to move their cotton. The North did not wish to force England into the war, she argued, and was allowing some merchant ships to slip through the blockade. Therefore, the Union would not be opposed to the sale of cotton for English textile mills. To show her gratitude she handed over $250,000 in gold certificates. “And if you need other inducements, this young lady will supply them,” she added. They departed, leaving behind a distressed general holding the beautiful young woman’s address.

The general immediately dispatched this message to Washington: “TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I have just been offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen to betray my trust. I am depositing the money with the Treasury of the United States, and request immediate relief from this command. They are getting close to my price.”

Many others may have fallen for the seductive offer. And though his decision was no doubt difficult to make, how much harder might his life have eventually become had he gone the other way? 

Author W. Clement Stone speaks of magic keys that unlock a trustworthy life. He says, “Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

And integrity is what it’s about, isn’t it? 

A life of integrity usually begins with the magic keys of saying no to compromise, facing the truth and doing what is right, even when it is difficult. 

It’s been said that if you have integrity, nothing else matters. But it’s also true that if you don’t have integrity, nothing else matters.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Alan Levine

May You Be Known By Your Love

Henry Drummond has said, “The moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.”

Here is a story (possibly apocryphal, but powerful nevertheless) about a man who acted in the spirit of love and about what he consequently learned.

Many years ago an old man stood on a Virginia riverbank. He was waiting to cross the river and, since it was bitterly cold and there were no bridges, he was hoping to get a ride across on horseback. After a lengthy wait he spotted a group of horsemen approaching. He let the first one pass, then the second, third, fourth and fifth. One rider remained. As he drew abreast, the old man looked him in the eye and said, “Sir, would you give me a ride across the river?”

The rider immediately replied, “Certainly.” Once across the river, the old man slid to the ground. “Sir,” the rider said before leaving. “I could not help but notice that you permitted all the other men to pass without asking for a ride. Then, when I drew abreast, you immediately asked me to carry you across. I am curious as to why you didn’t ask them and you did ask me.”

The old man quietly responded, “I looked into their eyes and could see no love and knew in my own heart it would be useless to ask for a ride. But when I looked into your eyes, I saw compassion, love and the willingness to help. I knew you would be glad to give me a ride across the river.”

The rider was touched. “I’m grateful for what you are saying,” he said. “I appreciate it very much.” With that, Thomas Jefferson turned and rode off to the White House.

It is often said that our eyes are the windows to our souls. If that is true, what is it that our eyes show about us? Or let me ask it a different way: if you had been the last rider, would the old man have asked you for a ride?

A good question. For it is said that others will know us by our love. Some will see it in the things we do and some in the things we say. And a few perceptive souls, like the old man in the story, may catch a glimmer of a loving and generous spirit in the expression of kind eyes.

May you be easily recognized by your love.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Freeimage.com/sofamonkez 

What About Trust?

Image courtesy of Julia Freeman-Woolpert

A veterinarian prescribed three huge pills to be given to a sick mule. “How do I get him to take the pills?” the farmer asked.
 
“It’s quite simple,” replied the vet. “Just insert the pill into a pipe. Put the pipe in the mule’s mouth and blow on the other end. He will swallow the pill without realizing it.”
 
The next day the farmer returned, looking sickly. “You look awful!” said the doctor. “What happened?”
 
The farmer explained, “He blew first.”
 
And if, like the pill, you find that story hard to swallow, then you’re in good company. A healthy skepticism is probably needed to get by these days. My email spam folder is filled with offers from folks who want nothing more than to help me get rich – even total strangers who want to send me tons of money and all I have to do is to give them enough personal banking information to make the deposit. It’s probably a good thing that I’m not willing to swallow every fantastic claim that comes my way.
 
Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip once had Calvin asking, “Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, ‘I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them’?” No, just because someone says the water is fine, I don’t have to fling myself in. If there is any truth in James Thurber’s assertion that “you can fool too many of the people too much of the time,” then I don’t need to be the first to volunteer.
 
But what about trust? I don’t want to become too cynical, either. I don’t want to go through life believing that behind every act of kindness there is a hidden motive, that inside every silver lining there is a dark cloud ready to disgorge bucketfuls of water on my little parade. I don’t want be wary of every stranger I meet and turn a suspicious eye to any good thing that comes my way.
 
Why not? Because I want to trust people. It is not nearly so important for me hone a sharp edge of skepticism as to be somebody with a keen ability to trust.
 
Relationships that work, after all, are built on trust. Trust in families is essential if want to raise healthy, happy children. As adults, we want to be trusted by others and our closest friends are usually people we can depend on. And what’s left in marriage when trust is shattered?
 
This is equally true in the world of business. My friend and business entrepreneur Bob Burg teaches, "All things being equal, people will do business with, and refer business to, those people they know, like and trust.” He should know. He built a business, and a life, on the principle of trust.
 
I am discovering that I can live far better without cynicism than I can without trust. And so I worry less these days about naively swallowing everything I hear and more about fine tuning an ability to catch glimpses of whatever good there may be around me.
 
In his poem “Desiderata” (1927), Max Erhmann offers this deep wisdom:
 

“Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism…
 
“Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass…

“Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

It IS a beautiful world. May I have eyes to see it.
 
-- Steve Goodier

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What Is Your Rope Tied To?

You may have heard of the man who decided to repair the roof of his house. The pitch was steep, and to be safe, he tied a rope around his waist and threw the other end of it over the top of the house. He called his son and asked him to tie it to something secure. The boy fastened the safety rope to the bumper of their car parked in the driveway. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

But a little while later, his wife needed to run a few errands with the automobile. Unaware of the line securing her husband, she started the car and proceeded to drive away. The rope immediately tightened and jerked the man over the roof and into thin air. Now before you become alarmed, let me assure you that this never really happened. But I chuckle at the image of the poor guy sailing over the top of his house like Evel Knievel without a motorcycle.

This story, factual or not, points to a great truth. It is a truth about where we place our security; about those things to which we’ve tied our safety lines. What is your rope tied to?

Think about it. What do you depend on to keep you from disaster? Is your rope tied to a good job? Is it tied to a relationship with somebody you rely on? Is it tied to a company or an organization?

In her wise and sensitive audio Lessons in Living, writer Susan Taylor tells of discovering how unreliable some of our safety lines really are. She tells of lying in bed in the early hours of the morning when an earthquake struck. As her house shook, she tumbled out of bed and managed to stand underneath an arched door-way in her hall, watching in horror as her whole house tumbled down around her. Where her bed had once stood, she later discovered nothing but a pile of rubble. She lost everything – every button, every dish, her automobile, every stitch of clothing.

Susan huddled, scared and crying, in the darkness. In the predawn morning she cried and called out for help.

As exhaustion set in, she thought that maybe she should be listening for rescuers rather than making so much commotion. So she grew still and listened. In the silence around her, the only sound she heard was the beating of her own heart. It occurred to her then that at least she was still alive and, amazingly enough, unhurt. She thought about her situation. In the stillness, fear abandoned her and a feeling of indescribable peace and happiness flooded in, the likes of which she had never before known. It was an experience that was to permanently change her life.

In the deepest part of her being, Susan realized a remarkable truth. She realized she had nothing to fear. Amazingly, whether or not she was ever rescued, whether she even made it out alive, she sensed she had nothing to fear.

For the first time in her life she understood that her true security did not depend on those things in which she had placed her trust. It lay deep within. And also for the first time, she knew what it was to be content in all circumstances. She realized that, in an ultimate sense, whether she had plenty or hardly enough, somehow she would be all right. She just knew it.

She later wrote, "Before the quake I had all the trappings of success, but my life was out of balance. I wasn’t happy because I was clinging to things in my life and always wanting more. My home, my job, my clothes, a relationship – I thought they were my security. It took an earthquake and losing everything I owned for me to discover that my security had been with me all along . . . There’s a power within us that we can depend upon no matter what is happening around us."

She had tied her rope to the wrong things. It took a disaster for her to understand that those things are untrustworthy. So she let go of the rope and discovered peace. She found that her true security was a power within – dependable and sure.

What is your rope tied to? And what would happen if you found the courage to let go of it?

-- Steve Goodier


Image: flickr.com/Doug Wheller
　

A Child Within Us

It was an annual winter tradition. Every year we packed the children into our family car and spent the day at “The North Pole at Pikes Peak,” a year-round Christmas resort not far away. And each year they took turns on Santa’s lap while we snapped pictures.

This wasn’t any ordinary Santa, either. Maybe it was the real beard. Or maybe it was the twinkle in his eye when he talked to the kids. He came as close to the genuine Santa as anyone I can imagine. The kindly old man worked as Santa Claus at the resort all year round and, for our family at least, he was just about the real thing.

One year, after we finished with pictures, I said to him, “You must really love children.”

“Yes, I do,” he said. “And adults, too. Many adults want to sit with Santa for a picture!”

“Do you really have adults visit Santa?” I asked in amazement.

“Oh, yes,” he replied. “As a matter of fact, one day 14 of the first 20 people who came to visit Santa were adults. All of us have a child inside of us. It’s a terrible thing when you lose that.”

I think I know what he meant. Children are enthusiastic. They’ve not forgotten how to have fun. And they still feel awe and wonder and excitement.

“It’s a terrible thing when you lose that,” he said. I don’t think he meant that we are to be childish and immature - just childlike. There is a difference.

To be childlike is to be fun-loving and ready to get lost in the present. To be childlike is to be more innocent and trusting. Quicker to embrace life and love. To be childlike is to not yet be jaded by the world or too cynical about people. Those who are childlike laugh easily and often. They know there is plenty about this universe they may not understand, and that is okay. In fact, mystery is good. It fills them with awe.

My children eventually grew up and quit visiting Santa. A few years later I learned that he passed away. As it turns out, even an almost-real Santa doesn’t live forever. I had the honor of speaking at his funeral service and remembered him that day as a man who always kept his childlike sense of enthusiasm, love and joy. He was one of the youngest people I knew.

I only hope I’m that young when I’m that old.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Phil Reed

Sucker Day

I’ve never visited the town of Wetumka in Oklahoma (USA). But I understand the folks there celebrate a day every year when they laugh at themselves. They call it Sucker Day and they plan a town festival on the last Saturday of September to commemorate it.

It all started in 1950 when a man calling himself F. Bam Morrison arrived in Wetumka and persuaded local residents to put up the money to bring a circus to town. They did not know F. Bam, but he was a nice enough fellow and they trusted his word.

Merchants bought plenty of food, beverages, and souvenirs in preparation for the crowds of people who were bound to attend. And Morrison sold advance tickets. The townspeople were ecstatic at the thought of a circus in their very own village. Children could hardly sleep at night.

On the day the circus parade was to march down the main street, ecstasy turned into dismay when nothing happened. Morrison had slipped quietly away in the night with any money he had left. There would be no circus. The good folks of Wetumka had been swindled.

It didn’t take long for their disappointment to turn into amusement, however. Someone came up with the idea of holding a four-day celebration anyway. And why not? They had all the food and goodies. Calendars were cleared and, besides, everyone’s heart was set on having a good time.

They called their party The Sucker Festival. In a display of good-natured fun, people celebrated the fact that they’d been conned, snookered and hornswoggled. And now Sucker Day is an annual event in Wetumka – a good excuse to come together, to laugh and to have some fun.

We’re going to be fooled sometimes. Especially if we easily place our confidence in people. But I’m not going to give up trusting just to avoid being had.

I’ve observed that some of the happiest people I know are far from being the most wary – in fact, they are quite often open and trusting. These contented folks share at least two traits.

The first is that they are trustworthy. They are known to be honest and true to their word.

And the second trait these happy and satisfied people share is that they easily trust others. Sometimes their trust is misplaced, but they’ve discovered that the benefits of trusting usually outweigh the risks of disappointment.

I expect I’ll get taken in plenty of times yet by friends and strangers I believed in. But I hope the next time I trusted when I should have been more cautious, I can learn from the good folks of Wetumka and laugh at myself.

Because I’d rather let others into my heart than shut them out. I’d rather be a sucker for a day than unhappy for a lifetime. And I’d rather believe there is goodness in most people, for that is the only way to find it.

-- Steve Goodier


Image: flickr.com/vic

Building Your "Trust" Funds

The young parents paid the babysitter and dropped her off at home. As she turned to leave, she said, “By the way, I promised Amy that if she went to bed, you’d buy her a pony in the morning.” Ouch.... (I understand that she is unemployed these days….)

It doesn’t take long for parents to learn that, if they want their children to trust them, they will have to keep some promises. So a good parent will model the importance of keeping trust in the hopes of teaching their children to be trustworthy.

When people trust us, it is like having money in the bank. In an actual bank account, we will first make deposits if we expect to later make withdrawals. When we keep our word, it’s like making a deposit into a trust fund. The more deposits we make, the larger our balance becomes.

And the opposite is also true. Whenever we break our word and lose trust, it is like withdrawing money from an account. Except that what we withdraw is goodwill.

Now imagine that you have a separate trust fund with every person you know. If you have been making regular deposits into your account with that individual, when the time comes that you disappoint, you will still have a large enough balance of goodwill to cover the debt. That friend, son or mother will realize that your account is still good. You are a person of good intent. You are reliable and trustworthy.

Scottish writer George MacDonald said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” Whether or not that is true, I would rather have a healthy emotional trust fund than a large bank account. Trust is more valuable than money – and it builds strong relationships.

Are your trust funds growing?

-- Steve Goodier

Six Traits of Healthy Families

It takes some adjusting to live in a family, and some people have difficulty making it work. Maybe that's why comedian George Burns used to say, "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." Sometimes that's true. But it's also true that more happiness can be found when we learn how to make our family life better, whether we live in a family or just visit relatives from time to time.

Family consultant Dolores Curran, in her book Traits of a Healthy Family (1984), drew on responses of more than 500 professionals who work with families of all kinds and shapes. A number of core values and behaviors surfaced in families these professionals generally consider to be healthy. Here are a few of those top qualities. How many do you find in your family?

• Families considered healthy practice good communication and listening. In fact, they work on this.
• In these families, members experience plenty of affirmation and support. A migrant worker who often spends weeks away from home puts it like this: "Home is a place to go back to if things get rough out there." It is where you are valued, affirmed and loved.
• When they are together, healthy families try to have a good time. Author Charlie Shedd says, "Whenever parents ask me, 'How can I keep my children off drugs?' I say, 'Have fun.'" Evidently, the family that plays together, stays together.
• These families share the work, too. There is a sense of shared responsibility. Everyone helps out; everyone pitches in.
• There is a high level of trust in healthier families. The fastest way to drive a wedge between family members is to violate that trust.
• Finally, these families usually share a common religious core and move toward similar spiritual goals.

No family is perfect -- far from it! But families that work on these six traits will soon find themselves happier and healthier.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimage.com/Samantha Villagran