Do You Know Who You Are?

Comedian Woody Allen quipped, “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” 

An old story tells of an unhappy and discontented stonecutter. One day he came upon a merchant and was awe-struck by all of the marvelous goods the man had for sale. “I wish I were a merchant,” said the stonecutter and, quite amazingly, his wish was granted.

Not long afterward he saw a parade pass his little shop. Spying a prince dressed in splendor such as he had never before seen, he said, “I wish I were a prince.” And he became one.

But it wasn’t too many days later that he stepped outside and felt the discomfort of the hot summer sun beating down upon his head. “Even a prince cannot stay cool in the sun,” he said. “I wish I were the sun.” This wish, too, was granted.

He was happy being the sun until, one day, a cloud came between him and the earth. “That cloud overshadows me,” he said. “I wish I were a cloud.”

Again, his wish was granted and he was happy until he came to a mountain that he could not rise above. “This mountain is greater than I,” he said. “I wish I were a mountain.”

As a tall and mighty mountain he looked down upon the affairs of humans and felt that he was finally happy. But one day a stonecutter climbed up his side and chipped away at rock and there was nothing he could do about it. “That little man is more powerful than I,” the mountain said. “I wish I were a stonecutter.”

So the circle was completed and now the stonecutter knew that he would always be happy just being himself. He would never dress like a prince, shine like the sun nor rise as tall as a mountain, but he was happy to be who he was.

I think Malcolm Forbes hits close to the mark when he says, “Too many people overvalue what they’re not and undervalue what they are.” If only we could see who we really are, not through a lens that accentuates imperfections, but one that reveals those qualities we have difficulty seeing.

Is there any greater happiness than knowing who we really are?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/JR P

When The World Says, “No!”

When 19th Century clergyman Henry Ward Beecher was a young boy in school, he learned a powerful lesson in self-confidence. He was called to stand and recite in front of the class. He had hardly begun when the schoolteacher interrupted with an emphatic, “No!” The startled boy began again. After a moment the teacher once more thundered, “No!” Now humiliated, the student sat down. The next boy rose to recite and had just begun when the teacher likewise shouted, “No!” This student, however, kept on with the recitation until he completed it. As he sat down, the instructor responded, “Very good!” Confused and irritated, the young Henry Beecher complained to the schoolteacher, “I recited just as he did.” But the instructor replied, “It is not enough to know your lesson, you must be sure. When you allowed me to stop you, it meant that you were uncertain. If all the world says, ‘No!’ it is your business to say, ‘Yes!’ and prove it.” It is clear to us that the world says, “No!” in a thousand ways:

“No! You can’t do that.” 

“No! You are wrong.”

“No! You are too old.”

“No! You are too young.”

“No! You aren’t strong enough.”

“No! You can’t do it that way.”

“No! You don’t have the right education.”

“No! You don’t have the background you need.”

“No! You don’t have enough money.”

“No! You’ll never succeed.”

And each “No!” you hear has the potential to erode your confidence bit by bit until you quit altogether.     

     

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

The world may say “No!,” but if you have a bigger “Yes!” burning deep inside, the world won’t know what to do with you.

And you will always prevail.

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Kevin Spencer

Your Own Best Friend

Most people report that they do not usually feel confident. But exciting things can happen when we actually believe in ourselves. Here is a man who believed in his own ability even as a boy, and that confidence helped shape his adult life.

At the turn of the 20th century, a young boy quit school to help with the family expenses. When he was fifteen, he became interested in automobiles and worked in a garage. He subscribed to a correspondence home study course on automobiles and, after a long day in the garage, studied at the kitchen table by lamplight.

When he felt ready, he walked into the Oscar Lear Automobile Company of Columbus, Ohio. When Mr. Frayer, one of the partners, noticed him, he asked, “Well, what do you want?”

“I just thought I’d tell you I’m coming to work here tomorrow morning,” the boy replied.

“Oh! Who hired you?” 

“Nobody yet, but I’ll be on the job in the morning. If I’m not worth anything, you can fire me.” (Try that in today’s market!)

Early the next morning the young man returned to the plant. Noticing the floor was thick with metal shavings and accumulated dirt and grease, the boy got a broom and shovel and set to work cleaning the place.

Because of his self-confidence and work ethic, Eddie Rickenbacker’s future was almost predictable. He went on to excel in many fields, including automobile racing, piloting World War 1 planes and founding what was to become one of America’s largest airline companies − Eastern Airlines.

There is no magic bullet to instantly become a self-confident person. But it begins with one of the most important relationships in your life − your relationship with yourself. People who become more confident work on that relationship. They habitually encourage themselves. They become their own best friend.

Ask yourself this question: “If I had a friend who talked to me like I sometimes talk to myself, would I want to spend a lot of time with that person?” Listen to the things you say to yourself. Are you encouraging or are you critical? Do you say things to yourself that build your self confidence, or do you nitpick at your faults? You just might be spending a lot of time everyday with a person you’d never choose as a friend. And if so, you are most likely eroding your self confidence.

Without confidence, you are not likely to move far in the direction of your dreams. But when you learn to actively encourage yourself, you can become your own best friend. And when that happens, almost anything will be possible.

-- Steve Goodier 


Image: flickr.com/Bart

Getting What You Deserve

Dramatist W. S. Gilbert (of the duo Gilbert and Sullivan) insightfully said, “You have no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself -- and how little I deserve it.” How many people can say that? People’s poor opinions of themselves, more than anything, hold them back from getting what they deserve. 

Born into poverty in 1927, actor Sidney Poitier weighed just three pounds and was expected to die. His mother planned to bury him in a shoebox, but somehow he survived. He grew up on a tomato farm in the Bahamas. 

Yet in 1964, Poitier became the first Bahamian and first black actor to win both an Academy Award for Best Actor and the Golden Globe Award for Best Actor. In 2009, he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the United States' highest civilian honor, and in 2016, he was granted the BAFTA Fellowship for outstanding lifetime achievement in film.

How did he achieve so much? Part of the answer is that he never allowed a poor opinion of himself to hold him back.

According to Alan Loy McGinnis in his book Confidence, Poitier achieved such prominence largely because of self reliance he learned from his parents. “I was the product of a colonial system,” he once said, “that was very damaging to the psyche of non-white people. The darker you were, the less opportunities were presented to you.”

He continued, “My parents were terribly, terribly poor, and after awhile the psychology of poverty begins to mess with your head. As a result, I cultivated a fierce pride in myself, something that was hammered into me by my parents, Evelyn and Reggie – mostly by Evelyn. She never apologized for the fact she had to make my pants out of flour sacks. I got used to ‘Imperial Flour’ written across my rear. She always used to say, ‘If it’s clean, that’s the important thing.’ So from that woman – and probably for that woman – I always wanted to be extraordinary.”

Whatever it was that his parents “hammered” into him gave him enough motivation to rise from poverty to prominence. He eventually cultivated an unwavering belief in himself. It is often true that we don’t let ourselves have more than we think we deserve. Not that any of us deserves more than anyone else, but perhaps most of us deserve more than we let ourselves have. 

• If we feel trapped in a relationship which is destructive or unfulfilling, we deserve more. 
• If we are employed in a job that under-utilizes our true abilities and skills, we deserve more. 
• If we believe that life is going nowhere, we deserve more. 

Does any of that describe you? And has a poor opinion of yourself ever kept you from getting what you deserve?

Poitier was taught that he was somebody, and therefore allowed himself to pursue what most folks in his circumstances today may believe are unattainable goals.

You, too, are somebody. You are a person of infinite worth. Will you allow yourself to experience what you really deserve?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Public Domain

We Are Meant For The Skies

A chauffeur worked for a woman who liked to take her cat with her on errands.

During one trip, the uniformed driver dropped her at a shopping mall before refueling. The cat remained in the car, lounging on top of the limousine's back seat.

The confused service station attendant stole several glances at the feline passenger relaxing in back. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

I don’t know about the cat, but I’ve wasted too many years not feeling especially important. Not that I am or ever have been any more important than anybody else. But my low self esteem as a child and young adult always had me wishing I could measure up to others. I failed to see who I really was and struggled to become the person I felt I could be.

The following story reminds me how important a healthy self-image really is: 

A man found an eagle’s egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen. The eagle hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them. All his life, the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did, thinking he was a barnyard chicken. He scratched the earth for worms and insects. He clucked and cackled. And he thrashed his wings and flew a few feet in the air.

Years passed and the eagle grew very old. One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky. It glided in graceful majesty among powerful wind currents, with scarcely a beat of its strong, golden wings. 

The old eagle looked up in awe. “Who’s that?” he asked. 

“That’s the eagle, the king of the birds,” said his neighbor. “He belongs to the sky. We belong to the earth – we’re chickens.” 

So the eagle lived and died a chicken, for that is what he thought he was. (Author unknown)

You and I were meant for the skies – not the chicken coop. Who will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/Niall Crotty

Letting the Yeast Work Its Magic

Carefully examining a display in the drugstore, a man asked the pharmacist, "Do you really guarantee this hair-restorer?"

The pharmacist responded, "Better than that, sir. We give a comb with every bottle." Wouldn't you love to have that kind of confidence?

One man quipped, "When it comes to believing in myself, I'm an agnostic." One of the greatest problems many people experience is lack of confidence. Some don't believe they “have what it takes,” others are afraid to try something they've never done before, others hang back out of shyness and still others don’t believe they measure up to friends or colleagues.

Of course, those inner fears do not need to define you. Or control you. And one of the simplest ways to banish them is through healthy self-talk. It has taken most of a lifetime, but here are some things I now know about confidence:

• Your words and your thoughts have immense power. Be careful what you think and say.
• Be gentle with yourself. Don’t say you don’t like your body, your looks, your personality. Treat yourself like a good friend. (If you don’t, who will?)
• Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. We all make them. Tell yourself you’ll do better next time and let it go.
• Remember what you do well and don’t worry about the rest. You have a unique contribution to this world.
• Remind yourself that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You may need to tell yourself this many times.
• Tell yourself that your fear will not hold you back. Tell yourself that you can do what you’re afraid to do. Encourage yourself.

Too many of us are not aware of the tremendous power of our words and thoughts. They are yeast in life’s dough. They quietly work deep inside until they eventually change the character of the dough itself. Those who move from fear to confidence, those who believe in themselves and are secure within, have learned to let the yeast of good words and thoughts grow - to work their magic. 

And be assured - they will work their magic. 

-- Steve Goodier

Image: Flickr.com/Stacy (Creative Commons)

The First Secret of Success

Image by Troy Stoi

 

Do you know what it is?

“It’s not what you are that holds you back,” says entrepreneur Denis Waitley, “it’s what you think you are not.” The evidence leans towards this: Those who believe that they will never do well in a particular area probably never will. Those who believe they are not good at anything will forever feel inadequate. But those who believe that it is possible to succeed at what they attempt can surprise themselves. Let me tell you about a man who learned that important lesson.

Adam was ready to retire. His wife Anna, however, was less enthusiastic. As she explained to a friend, "Adam has never done anything that required physical exertion. He never played golf, mowed the lawn or even washed the windows. When he retires, he will sit in his easy chair and expect me to bring him his food."

But to Anna's surprise, soon after her husband retired, he joined a health club. And one night, when Adam arrived home from exercise class, he announced, "I signed up for the wrestling tournament. I am going to wrestle Friday night."

Anna was shocked. "Please don't do it, Adam," she begged. "You're not in shape. You will be so beat up they will have to carry you home!" However, he couldn't be dissuaded and she told him that if he went through with his "lame idea," she was not going to watch.

True to her word, she stayed away that Friday evening as Adam wrestled. And just as she predicted, two men practically carried Adam home. He lay down on the couch, every muscle strained and bruised. Before she could speak, he sputtered, "Don't say a word, Anna! This is not the worst of it. I won tonight. I have to wrestle again tomorrow night!"

Adam believed he could do it and he did, though, in this case, he didn't think through the consequences of winning. As Dr. Norman Vincent Peale said, "People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."

The first secret of success: Believe in Yourself. Nothing changes in your life until you believe you can do things that are important to you. And if you have a low opinion of yourself, nobody else is likely to raise it.

Adopt the first secret of success and you might surprise even yourself.

-- Steve Goodier


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When You Judge Yourself

If you're going to do it, don't lose sight of the main fact.
 

Charles Allen (Victories in the Valleys of Life, Fleming H. Revell, 1981) tells the story of a man who, one wintry day, went to traffic court in Wichita, Kansas, not knowing court had been canceled because of a blizzard. A few days later he wrote this letter:

“I was scheduled to be in court February 23rd, at 12:15 pm., concerning a traffic ticket. Well, I was there as scheduled and, to my surprise, I was the only one present. No one had called to tell me that the court would be closed, so I decided to go ahead with the hearing as scheduled, which meant that I had to be the accuser, the accused and the judge. The citation was for going 46 miles per hour in a 35-mile-per-hour zone. I had the speed alert on in my car, set for 44 miles per hour; and as the accuser, I felt that I was going over 35 miles per hour, but as the accused, I know that I was not going 46 miles per hour. As judge, and being the understanding man that I am, I decided to throw it out of court this time. But it had better not happen again.”

He had a rare opportunity to officially “judge” himself. But don't we all judge ourselves all day long? We judge ourselves too fat or too thin, too old or too young, unworthy, unlikeable, undeserving, inadequate ... you get the idea.  And how often do you react more harshly to your own mistakes and errors than you would ever react to those same shortcomings in others?

A speaker started off his seminar by taking a bill from his wallet and holding it up high. He asked his audience, “Who would like this brand new $20 bill?” Hands shot up.

He continued, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this.” He crumpled the note. He then said, “It's crushed and wrinkled – now, who still wants it?” Again, most of the audience held their hands high.

He was relentless. “What if I do this?” He dropped the money, stepped on it and ground it into the floor with his shoe. He then held up the now dirty and disreputable bill. “Now who wants it?” Hands still waved in the air.

“My friends, here is the lesson,” he said. “No matter what I do to the money, you still want it because it does not decrease in value. It is still worth $20.” Then he gave it to someone in the audience. “How often are we crushed by life? Sometimes we are ill-treated and discarded. It can even feel as if we're ground into the dirt by poor decisions we make and circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, we never lose our innate value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, used, refused or abused, we are still priceless.”

We judge ourselves all day long. But next time you judge yourself, don't lose sight of the main fact. No matter what you think of yourself today, you are still priceless.

-- Steve Goodier

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Do You Believe in You?

Image by Bethany Carlson

Did you know that Albert Einstein could not speak until he was four years old and did not read until he was seven? His parents and teachers worried about his mental ability.
   
Or that Beethoven’s music teacher said about him, “As a composer he is hopeless”? What if young Ludwig believed it?
   
When Thomas Edison was a young boy, his teachers said he was so stupid he could never learn anything. He once said, “I remember I used to never be able to get along at school. I was always at the foot of my class...my father thought I was stupid, and I almost decided that I was a dunce.” What if young Thomas believed what they said about him?
   
When F. W. Woolworth was 21, he got a job in a store, but was not allowed to wait on customers because, according to his boss, he “didn’t have enough sense.” I wonder if the boss was around when Woolworth became one of the most successful retailers of his day.
   
When the sculptor Auguste Rodin was young he had difficulty learning to read and write. Today, we may say he had a learning disability, but his father said of him, “I have an idiot for a son.” His uncle agreed. “He’s uneducable,” he said. What if the boy had doubted his ability to excel?
   
A newspaper editor once fired Walt Disney because he was thought to have no “good ideas.” The great Italian tenor Enrico Caruso was told by one music teacher, “You can’t sing. You have no voice at all.” And an editor told Louisa May Alcott, just a few years before she wrote the classic novel Little Women, that she was incapable of writing anything that would have popular appeal.

History will long praise each of these famous people, but what became of their critics? Nobody even remembers some of their names, which is all that need be said.
   
But what if these young people had listened to those critical voices and became discouraged? Where would our world be without the music of Beethoven and Caruso, the art of Rodin, the ideas of Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison, the imagination of Walt Disney or the literary contributions of Louisa May Alcott? As it was so accurately put, “It’s not what you are, it’s what you don’t become that hurts.” (That from Oscar Levant.) What if these people had not become what they were capable becoming, had not done what they actually could have accomplished, just because they were discouraged by people who couldn't see them for what they were?
   
We all have potential and, whether you realize it or not, your desire to do or be more than you are is your best indicator of future success. Others may discourage you, but the most important voice to listen to is your own. Do you believe in you?

Still the voices of your critics. Listen intently to your own voice, to the person who knows you best. Then answer these questions: Do you think you should move ahead? How will you feel if you quit pursuing this thing you want to do? And what does your best self advise?

What you hear may change your life.

-- Steve Goodier
 
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People Matter

Image courtesy of Spekulator

In their book The Big Book of Jewish Humor (HarperCollins, 1981), authors Novak and Waldoks tell of a woman from New York who, on her 80th birthday, decided to prepare her last will and testament. She went to her rabbi to make two final requests. First, she insisted on cremation.

“What is your second request?” the rabbi asked.

“I want my ashes scattered over the Bloomingdale’s store.”

“Why Bloomingdale’s?”

“Then I’ll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week.”

I know we can't ensure others will show they care in the way we expect, though we all want to know that people do care. Maybe it's about being assured that we are not alone in this world. For that reason, we are drawn to those who make us feel as if we matter.

My grandmother was such a person. She was someone who made me feel important to her. She lived far away, so visits were special. When we got together she acted as if she truly missed me. Some days she would slip me little gifts – like chewing gum, a homemade cookie or money “so you can buy yourself a treat.” She once whispered that I was her favorite. (I now have evidence that she said the same thing to each of her grandchildren, which still causes me to chuckle.) She made the effort to be present at the important times in my life.

I felt valued by her. She took me seriously. At age eight or nine I complained one day that I had trouble breathing and I said that I thought my nasal passage was somehow blocked. She actually put her finger up my nose to feel for an obstruction. (Did I mention she was blind?) There was a blockage and because of her intervention with my family I eventually saw a doctor and had corrective surgery.

I don't remember her ever telling me how much she cared about me. It just wasn't her way. She wasn't gushy and she didn't often say those things to people. But she told me how she felt in a different way – she noticed me. She paid attention to me. I felt as if I were a piece in her life puzzle and she would notice if I were missing or didn't fit in just right. And my awareness of this made a huge difference.

Poet Maya Angelou writes:

“People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I wonder what would happen if I set out to make everyone in my presence feel as I felt around my grandmother – like they matter. How would that change the way I treat others and what difference might it make to them?

Who doesn't want to know that we notice them and value them? And who might respond to us better when they feel that they matter?

It probably cannot be overstated – it matters...that people matter.

-- Steve Goodier

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Something Only You Can Do

Image courtesy of Dave Smith

Tallulah Bankhead quipped, "Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it." But the truth is...we DO have trouble being ourselves, don't we? Especially in a world that wants us to conform. "To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best day and night into making you like everybody else," said poet e. e. cummings, "is to fight the hardest battle there is and never stop fighting."

One of the deepest cravings of young people, especially teens, is to be liked by their peers. Like all of us, they want to be accepted and they want to be valued. It's during those critical teen-age years that they begin to play a game that is sometimes called "Follow the Follower." The game is not the same as "Follow the Leader." Following the follower is about conforming ... talking, dressing, acting and even thinking like one another. The goal is to fit in.

In adulthood, we are supposed to discover who we really are and do our best to grow into that person. We find our value, not in acceptance by others, but because we believe in our worth. It doesn’t always happen. But it's a wonderful day when we can say in honesty, "I know who I am and I'm glad I am me."

The lovable children's author Dr. Seuss got it right when he wrote, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It takes strength to swim against the tide. It takes courage to speak your convictions. And it takes trust to act on your own intuition. It’s hard and rewarding work to grow up and become who you really are. But in the end, whatever real success you find in life will be a result of your being true to yourself rather than an imitation of somebody else.

I'll never have to give an account for not being more like my favorite celebrity, that shining star in my chosen field or anybody else. And at the end of my life, the question I never want to be asked is, "How come you weren't more like YOU? You had such great potential. You were a wholly unique person -- unrepeatable and irreplaceable. Why you weren't more like YOU?"

It took me far too long to realize that, in a world that wants me to conform, my greatest job is to be myself. It's a challenging and rewarding job and nobody can do it as well as me.

-- Steve Goodier

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Free to Be Me

I like what Quentin Crisp said about social mobility: "Keeping up with the Joneses was a full-time job with my mother and father. It was not until many years later when I lived alone that I realized how much cheaper it was to drag the Joneses down to my level."

And speaking of social mobility…two women happened to be seated next to each other on a plane and struck up an earnest conversation about their respective hometowns.

“Where I’m from,” one woman sniveled, “we place all our emphasis on breeding.”

Her new companion, unimpressed and uninterested in this yardstick for measuring the value of a person, just smiled. “We think that’s a lot of fun, too – but we do find time for other pursuits.”

Some people try to impress. They want to elevate themselves by conspicuous breeding, social standing, education and life-style. They believe that to be “well-bred, well-fed, well-read and well-wed” just may help them find some happiness (and a satisfying bit of deference from others).

These symbols have little meaning for other individuals. They care little about how people see them. The only standards which concern them are those they set themselves. The person they really want to please and impress most is the one looking back from the mirror.

I believe that, more than anyone else, these people know what it is to be free. Why? Because they’re free from what others think about them. They are free from feeling like they always have to please other people. They are not programmed to behave a certain way because others expect it.

One man I know likes to say, “Be yourself.  Everybody else is already taken.” But I think that author and educator Leo Buscaglia may have said it best. “The easiest thing to be in the world is you,” he said. “The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.” And that’s advice worth following.

Who decides what you will do? Who decides who you will be? Who decides what is important to you? Who sets your standards? Ultimately, who do you REALLY want to impress? Somebody else … or yourself?

The point is this: you can’t please everybody, nor should you try. So why not be sure you at least try to please the right person? That’s REAL freedom.

-- Steve Goodier

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An Unforgettable Magic Moment

Something magical once really happened in Cinderella's Castle in Florida's Disney World. Children and parents were crowded into a room waiting for Cinderella's appearance. She made a dramatic entrance and the children clamored around her.

Whoever hired the young woman to play the role of Cinderella found a remarkable match. She was perfect. Flawless skin; beautiful face; bright eyes and smile; and, she was costumed exquisitely. She looked as if the cartoon character had come to life.

The children wanted to touch her and have her wave her wand over their heads. She smiled down at them and the room was electric with excitement.

Electric for everyone except two boys, apparently brothers, who stood next to a far wall, away from the other children. The older boy held the hand of the younger, much smaller boy, whose body and face were disfigured.

The look in the young boy's eyes was that of yearning. How he wanted to be with Cinderella. How he wanted to be a part of the other children. But he held back, probably out of fear. He had likely been hurt too many times before by children who didn't understand.

But unexpectedly, Cinderella turned and saw the boys. And she must have noticed the longing in the little one's face, for she slowly made her way through the throng, inching toward the far wall.

Then something magical happened. Cinderella did the most remarkable thing -- something I'm sure she never learned in Cinderella Training Class. She bent down and kissed the little boy's face. He smiled a big and beautiful smile. Cinderella kissed him!

Could anything be so wonderful? Cinderella kissed him. Out of all of the children in that room, Cinderella kissed him. No matter what happens to him, he'll always have that -- Cinderella kissed him.

And when he looks into the mirror he will always see the face that Cinderella kissed looking back. Who knows... for months, for years, maybe forever stings and barbs of life will hurt a little less. And he will stand a bit taller and feel a little more special. He'll never forget that... something magical happened... the day Cinderella kissed him.

-- Steve Goodier

Image by Joe Penniston