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| Image courtesy of Vera Berard |
"Squawks" are maintenance complaints US Air Force pilots leave for their ground crews to address between flights. Somebody sent me these actual squawks and the replies to each from maintenance. Enjoy.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Maintenance: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Maintenance: Evidence removed.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Maintenance: Live bugs on order.
Pilot: Number three engine missing.
Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Maintenance: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
Pilot: Target Radar hums.
Maintenance: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Like they say, if you're too busy to laugh, you're too busy. Do you get the feeling that these people know how to pepper their work with fun?
And speaking of flying, flight attendants also know something about being playful.
Those safety announcements they make at the beginning of every flight must get boring to repeat. Some attendants have fun with them. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,” announced one, “but there are only four ways out of this airplane."
I'm not sure if it was the same one who said, “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
Another attendant put this spin on the announcement: “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation,” another announced. “And in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
On one flight, which was served by a older-than-average flight crew, the announcement was made: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
Before takeoff, passengers once heard this: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
Heard on a flight just after a particularly hard landing: “That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault. It wasn't the pilot's fault. It wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt.”
I love people like that. Even if I can't always do what I enjoy, I only hope I can at least enjoy myself while I do it.
-- Steve Goodier
