Three Simple Words that Change Everything

How wonderful it would be if there were a simple formula for success. “Follow these steps and you will be successful in business, as a parent, as a student, in your vocation or in any endeavor you attempt.” Only if it were that easy.

I think of the man who was honored as “Businessperson of the Year.” At the presentation dinner, a newspaper reporter asked him, “To what do you owe your great success and prosperity?”

“Five things contributed to my success,” said the man. “First, I always treated people fairly. Second, I always offered a fair price. Third, I was always honest. Fourth, I was always generous to my employees. And fifth, my Aunt Edna died a few years back and left me two and a half million dollars.”

Certainly, the top four items on his list are well worth following - fairness, sound business principles, honesty and generosity. Each contributes toward success. And Aunt Edna’s infusion of money certainly helped. 

But there is one behavior that will almost always guarantee that we will succeed at most everything we do. And it is especially important if we want to build whole and happy lives.

Professor Richard Weaver, who taught at Bowling Green State University in Ohio, points us to that behavior. He sums it up in three simple words: “and then some.”

Most people do what is expected of them. But some do what is expected – and then some. They meet their obligations and responsibilities fairly – and then some. They are good friends to their friends – and then some. They build bridges; they mend fences - and then some. They can be counted on in an emergency – and then some. They are considerate and kind – and then some. They donate money, expertise and time - and then some.

There are many paths to getting what you want out of life and becoming the kind of person you want to be in life. But the surest way of succeeding is to remember those three words: and then some.

They are only three simple words, but they change everything.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/bernavazqueze

Sometimes You Need to Take The Plunge

Maybe you can relate.

“Watch me dive off the high board, Dad,” my ten-year-old son called out. I looked up to the ten-foot-high diving board and waited as he stood at the edge, stooped over, arms extended. He had jumped off the high board many times before, but now his nerve seemed to falter as he contemplated streaking through the air headfirst. 

The swimming pool was vacated, so he could take his time. “You can do it, Robby,” I encouraged. But he couldn’t. Not that evening. For 20 minutes he attempted to muster the courage to make the plunge, and he finally gave up when the pool closed for the night.

“I feel disappointed in myself,” Robby said on the way home. “I feel terrible. I know I can do it, though. I know I can.” 

He persuaded me to take him swimming again the next evening. Like the night before, we happened to be the only swimmers. “I’m going to do it this time,” he said emphatically. “Watch me!”

He climbed the ladder and walked to the end of the board as I watched. Again I encouraged him. Again he hesitated. As the previous night, his nerve failed. It seemed that he would never conquer his fear and leap.

The lifeguards on duty (probably the same ones from the evening before) helped me cheer him on this night. They came alongside the diving board. “You can do it, Robby,” we all exhorted. “Just do it! Don’t think about it. Just do it!” 

For 30 minutes we encouraged him. For 30 minutes he started and stopped, he leaned and straightened and fought the fear that held him back.

And then it happened. He extended his arms, bent over the edge and fell headfirst into the water. He emerged to the sounds of laughter and congratulations. He did it! He finally did it! And before he went home, he did it three more times.

Robby learned three important lessons that evening. First, he learned about facing his fear. It won’t go away if we don’t do the thing we’re afraid to do. Diving got a little lass scary for him every time he did it.

Second, he learned that hard things are easier when people cheer us on. We can do almost anything with enough encouragement from our friends.

And he learned one final thing. He learned that some things can’t be done with less than full commitment. A chasm cannot be leaped in two small jumps and a dive cannot be made a little at a time. Sometimes you just have to take the plunge. 

Come to think about it, he may have learned something else, too. When you take the plunge and succeed at that thing you were afraid to do, is there any better feeling in the world? 

Robby didn’t think so.

--Steve Goodier

Image: Flickr.com/Dave Halberstadt

A Peculiar Kind Of Love

It was love at first sight. I knew how the boy felt who clambered breathlessly through his front door and cried, “Dad! I’m in love!”

“How do you know it’s love?” his father asked.

“Because, when I kissed her good night, her dog bit me and I never even felt it ‘til I got home!”

I can relate, because even without the dog-bite test I knew love when it bit me. And it must have bit her, too, because a few weeks later she asked me to marry her (well, that’s how I remember it anyway). Before long, though, I began to notice something “peculiar” about her love. She sometimes said strange things like “I love you too much to hold on to you.” Or, “I want you to be happy...even if that means we won’t be together.”

I know what she meant. She meant that marriage was a serious commitment and she didn’t want me to regret later that we plunged into it. Another time she said, “I love you so much I want to let you go. I don’t want you to feel tied to me.”

Talk like that sounded peculiar to me. You see, my love was a little different. “I love you so much I want to always keep you with me,” better described my kind of love. “I love you too much to ever let you go,” was more typical of how I felt.

My love was a hanging-on kind of love. I wanted to hang onto her no matter what. Hers was a letting-go kind of love. She wanted me to get free now, if I needed to. My love worried about what it might do to me if I lost her. Her love worried about what it might do to us if she hung on too tightly.

One day she returned from a doctor’s appointment distraught. “He told me I can’t have babies,” she said. Her swollen eyes overflowed. “I know you want children. I’ll understand if you don’t want to marry,” she continued. “I love you too much to keep you.” There again – that peculiar letting-go kind of love.

All of this happened many years ago and, in the meantime, I learned a couple things about love.

Love can sometimes be about hanging on. Through thick and thin.

But it can also be about letting go. Like opening a hand and setting a butterfly free. It is as simple and as difficult as that.

Over the years we’ve found ourselves hanging on to one another, and it’s gotten us through some pretty rough patches. But other times we had to let one another go; to go in a new direction, to spread our wings. Love is a little bit of both...hanging on and letting go.

And I learned something else, too. The doctor was wrong about the babies.

-- Steve Goodier

image: flickr.com/blinking idiot

Through It All

A student was asked to write an essay about the Quakers. He wrote: “The Quakers are very meek, quiet people who never fight or answer back. I think my father is a Quaker. Not my mother.”

Some people, like his mother, may be more verbal during conflict. Others may want to quietly mull the problem over a bit before talking about it. But conflict is a natural and even healthy part of relationships. It is especially important to resolve differences with people we care about and, when conflict is handled correctly, it can actually bring us closer together. 

Author and counselor, Charlie Shedd, reports getting this note on the kitchen counter after some unresolved conflict with his wife: “Dear Charlie, I hate you. Love, Martha.”
 
What an interesting note! She told him she was angry, but she told him something else, too. She told him that, in spite of her present feelings, she loved him. Through it all, she was saying, she will always love him. 

A basic commitment to love one another is the foundation upon which caring relationships are built. When in conflict with those closest to you, that decision to love – through it all – is vital. No technique, no amount of training, however important, will do more to get you through those tough times.

-- Steve Goodier

Setting Your Own Agenda

Have you ever heard of Hank Greenberg? 

 The year was 1934. For the first time in 25 years, the Detroit Tigers baseball team were strong enough to have an excellent chance to play in baseball’s prestigious World Series. Hank was a key player on a team that had come to rely on his superb skills at first base and his strong batting to win games. An important and decisive game was scheduled on the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur. Hank, the son of Romanian immigrants to the United States, announced that he would not don his uniform and play on this day, the most sacred of Hebrew fasts.

 The city of Detroit was outraged. Citizens screamed that the Day of Atonement could be celebrated any year, but this year the Tigers may go all the way to the Series. Anti-Semitic remarks were viciously hurled at him, but Hank Greenberg remained resolute.

The Detroit Tigers indeed lost that day, although the team did secure the pennant that year. And Hank, when more rational minds prevailed, attained the respect of the community. In fact, a poem  by syndicated columnist Edgar Guest honored the man who held steadfastly to his beliefs. The tribute ended with this verse:

Came Yom Kippur – Holy fast day
world-wide over to the Jews,
And Hank Greenberg to his teaching 
and the old tradition true
Spent the day among his people 
and he didn’t come to play. 
Said Murphy to Mulrooney, 
“We shall lose the game today!
We shall miss him in the infield 
and shall miss him at the bat,
But he’s true to his religion – 
and I honor him for that!”

Hank still teaches us an important lesson in how to live effectively. He decided what was important to him and, regardless of pressure applied, he honored his own values. Hank Greenberg – not the team, nor the coaches, nor even emotional Detroit fans – set his agenda. What he did required tremendous courage. He let nobody lower standards he had chosen for himself. And though the team lost that day, the city of Detroit won because it gained an important role model in a young man who courageously followed his own way.

Choosing our own way may not always be easy. But effective living occurs once we decide how we will live our lives and, regardless of outside pressure, we honor that decision.

If you are struggling with a difficult decision today, what is your inner voice leading you to do? Perhaps that is the voice that should be honored.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jeff Dunn

Are You Ready for Results?

One woman tells that she worked as an assistant at a jewelry store. She often arranged for engaged couples to have their wedding bands engraved with something special -- the date they met or married, a sentimental phrase, their names or even their wedding vows. She once asked a bride-to-be what she would like inscribed inside her fiancé’s ring.

“We aren’t very romantic,” the young woman replied.  She added that they were marrying on her fiancé’s birthday so he wouldn’t forget the date.

“But isn’t there something you’ll want him to remember as he looks inside his ring?” the assistant wondered.

“There sure is,” she said. And that’s how “Put it back on!” came to be inscribed inside her husband’s ring.

Perhaps she was trying to help along her husband’s commitment to the relationship.

A woman named Catherine, from Scotland, may have wanted to help along her lover’s commitment to their relationship. For several decades actually. Finally, after 44 years of courtship, her 68-year-old boyfriend George proposed. Maybe he was waiting for a convenient time. Maybe he was waiting to get up the nerve. I don’t know.

Catherine, however, was more than understanding about waiting four decades for him to pop the question. “He is a bit shy, you know,” she said.

Author Ken Blanchard says this about commitment: “There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses - only results.”

Is there an area of your life that feels more like an interest than a commitment? Does it deserve more from you? You can be interested in a job, or you can be committed. You can be interested in a relationship, or you can be committed. Interest may get you a paycheck or someone to be with, but commitment can change things. Whether you are pursuing a project, following a dream, changing a habit or preparing for your future, can you get the results you want without commitment?

Maybe the real question is not about how committed you are, but rather -- are you ready for results? 

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Samuel Hearn

Four Important Questions

Image by Shai Barzilay

The airline pilot announced over the intercom, “Folks, I've got good news and bad news for you. The bad news is...we’re lost. The good news is...we’re making great time!”

It’s too easy to live our lives like that, isn't it? Making great time, but not sure if we’re heading in the right direction. 

Susan Ertz provocatively said, “Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.” The problem is...they know they would like to accomplish something important with their lives or to somehow make a difference. But when it comes to making the journey toward those destinations, they feel stuck. In short, they are lost.

Author and speaker Danny Cox, in his book Seize The Day, tells of a man who made a great success of his life in spite of tremendous hardships. The moment that ultimately turned this man’s life around was when he sat down and asked himself four important questions:     

1. What do I really want? He didn’t want to just sleepwalk through life, nor look back someday and feel regret.
2. What will it cost? In time, money and commitment.
3. Am I willing to pay the price?    
4. When is the best time to start paying the price?

It occurs to me that one of these questions is the most difficult: What do you really want? You will need to spend enough time deciding on your answer. But once you figure it out, the other questions will be easy.

ANSWER these four questions and you will get clear on the direction you want to take your life. COMMIT to these answers and you’ll make great time.

-- Steve Goodier

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Success Tax

Image by Bernavazqueze

I have learned something about success: I have learned that it comes with a tax.

Achieve your dreams, they say. Anything you want can come your way. Nothing to it, they say. Just follow a simple system and anything and everything can be yours. Not so. There is a tax you pay to get what you want, whether you want more income, healthier relationships, emotional satisfaction, spiritual growth or a well-lived life. It is called dedication.

Orson Welles once said, "My doctor has advised me to give up those intimate little dinners for four, unless, of course, there are three other people eating with me." Some people will tell you that you can lose 25 or 50 pounds in just weeks. It's easy, they say. Not so. Andy Rooney observed that the two biggest sellers in any bookstore are cookbooks and diet books. “Cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.” If it were easy to lose weight, who’d buy the books?

Some people will tell you that you can have the body of an athlete, or the Incredible Hulk or a fashion model (assuming that’s what you want). It's quick and simple, they say. Not so. It is never easy to succeed at difficult goals. There is a tax, and that tax is called dedication.

Do you want to excel at a sport, play a musical instrument well or become an accomplished artist? One man was lost in New York City. He poked his head into a taxi cab and asked the driver, "How do you get to Yankee Stadium?" The driver responded, "Practice, practice, practice." You want to become really good at something you enjoy? You probably can. But there is a tax to pay and that tax is called dedication.

Many of us would like closer relationships with a spouse or a child or with friends. There are never guarantees, but I promise that those relationships will suffer without dedication. When they were small, I wanted to figure out how to be closer to my young boys. And I noticed what the problem was...I wasn’t spending enough high-quality, significant time with them. So, in addition to my other parental activities, I decided that I would take one of them out for breakfast every week. Just the two of us. For me it was alone time with one child. For my sons, it was a chance to get Dad all by himself -- with no distractions. 

I scheduled the breakfast dates a few days in advance. Some weeks it seemed like more of a nuisance and I was tempted to skip. Some weeks we didn’t have the money. Some weeks I had an unusually busy day ahead and believed I just didn’t have the time. But it was a high priority. I dedicated myself to it and, regardless of good reasons to cancel, I made it happen anyway. (And if truth be told, my sons wouldn’t let me skip -- they looked forward to eating food they usually didn’t get at home.) As I now figure it, I had breakfast alone with one of my children over 500 times. It became a time for listening and talking and bonding; never a time for correcting and persuading (those were the ground rules). As I look back, I made plenty of mistakes as a father, but if I had it to do over again, I would still do the breakfasts.

We pay a tax to succeed at anything worthwhile. That tax is called dedication, and here's the most wonderful part. Once you pay it, once you truly dedicate yourself to something important, you'll find the price was worth it.

-- Steve Goodier

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Faces of Love

Image courtesy of Vivek Chugh

Science fiction writer Isaac Asimov penned this humorous poem:

“Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me what makes skies so blue,
And I'll tell you why I love you.

Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
Tropisms make the ivy twine,
Raleigh scattering make skies so blue,
Testicular hormones are why I love you.”

What happened to that poor man in the romance department?

Actually, I suppose that what he lacks in inspiration he probably makes up for in accuracy. And accuracy is fine, but I like some mystery, too. I don't want to analyze and dissect all of the wonder out of life.

There's something mysterious about a pitch-black sky teeming with shining stars...something that causes my imagination to soar. And what about the mystery of nature? I can think of few things so thrilling as that sense of awe that explodes in my heart when I see a brilliantly blue sky over snow-capped mountain peaks. And the greatest mystery of all – love. What is more mysterious than a deep and almost perfect love felt between two otherwise imperfect people?
   
Love is mysterious. Robert Fulghum says, “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

Perhaps love has many faces. The faces easiest to see are ones of infatuation and romance. We speak of “falling in love” and feel, too, as if we are in free fall. This is the face of love that inspires songs and poetry and romance novels.

But the face of love I appreciate most is not romance, as much as I am drawn to it, but one I can always count on to be there. It is the face of love that looks more like commitment or devotion – devotion of a parent for a child, or of couples who've lived and loved together for years.

This particular face of love is not a magnet that attracts two people to each other, but glue that holds them together for the long term. It is a face of love often seen on parents and grandparents and close friends who have been through good times and bad with one another.

I recall a story about a husband and wife who were engaged in a minor dinnertime disagreement. To the children’s amazement, their father jumped up from the table, grabbed two sheets of paper, and said to his wife, “Let’s make a list of everything we don’t like about each other.”
   
She agreed and proceeded to write. He, meanwhile, sat and glowered. She looked up and he began to write.
   
They finally finished. “Let’s exchange complaints,” he said and they passed their lists across the table.
   
She glanced at his sheet and pleaded, “Give mine back!” All down his sheet he had written: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I presume he gave the paper back, for their children remember that moment with humor and fondness.
   
As much as I enjoy romance, it’s commitment that I need the most. I need to know a love I can depend on, a love that says, “I will be with you through it all. I love you. And I will love you even when you may not be all that lovable, for sometimes I'm not very lovable either. You can count on me - always.”

Maybe love is mysterious, but that kind of love is solid. Rock solid. And, of all the faces of love, it's my favorite.

-- Steve Goodier

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Significant Living

Image courtesy of Erik Marr

I heard someone say, “Forget love...I'd rather fall in chocolate.” I guess I’ve never liked chocolate that much. It was author Linda Grayson who said, “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” Sorry. You can leave the chocolate out of my friendships. I’m just not a great fan. I know…what kind of monster dislikes chocolate? Well, you’re looking at one, I suppose.

But I am passionate about some things. I love music – don’t think I would want to live without it. And I care quite a bit about some big things, like living my life fully and helping others to do the same. I care about the welfare of people and building a world where people matter. All people, not just some. I believe it is important to care deeply about a few things that matter.

Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel says this about the importance of caring:

 “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
 The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
 The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
 And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”

And what’s the opposite of indifference? It is concern. It’s caring.

I think most people want to make a difference, even in a small way. They want their lives to count for something. But it can never happen until they care about something bigger than themselves. Something that really matters.

American president Teddy Roosevelt knew about passionate living. He never did anything in a small way. Several years after serving two terms as president, he decided to run again. The early part of his campaign consisted of traveling by train from one state to another to stump.

Roosevelt reached Chicago on October 13, 1912 from Iowa. His throat was so sore from speaking that it had been necessary to cancel previous addresses in Indiana and Wisconsin. But this time he insisted on making a speech the next day in Milwaukee, no matter how he felt.

As he left his hotel to go to the hall where a crowd was already gathered, Roosevelt was shot in the right breast in an assassination attempt. He did not know the extent of the injury – it might have been fatal as far as he knew – but he insisted on speaking to the crowd before allowing his gunshot wound to be treated. He told them that he would make this speech or die. He had something to say and there was no canceling.

Visibly pallid and sporting a bright red stain on his chest, he began in a low tone. “I am going to ask you to be very quiet and please excuse me from making a long speech,” he said. “I'll do the best I can, but there is a bullet in my body.” He went on to minimize the injury and told his audience that he had a message to deliver and would speak as long as his life held out. Then he said, “It matters little about me, but it matters about the cause we fight for.” (He survived the incident, by the way.)

Causes do matter. And the world is changed by people who care deeply about causes – about things that matter. We don’t have to be particularly smart or talented. We don’t need a lot of money or education. All we really need is to be passionate about something important; something bigger than ourselves. And it’s that commitment to a worthwhile cause that changes the world.

I know – not all of us are interested in changing the world. That’s okay. But any life will be significant when we expend energy and passion on important matters.

And at the end of the day, I’m sure it’s okay to save a little passion for chocolate, too.

-- Steve Goodier

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How to Be Happy for a Lifetime

Image courtesy of kslyesmith

Someone said this about happiness:

To be happy for an hour -- take a nap.
To be happy for a day -- go shopping.
To be happy for a week -- take a vacation.
To be happy for a month -- get married.
To be happy for a year -- inherit a fortune.
To be happy for a lifetime -- help others.

All right – I don’t agree with everything on that list. But I believe the author is exactly right about how to be happy for the rest of your life. Lasting contentment, the most satisfying kind of happiness, can always be found in helping others. And it’s a secret that many people have never discovered.

Marion Preminger stumbled upon it and wrote about where lasting happiness is to be found in her autobiography All I Want Is Everything. Born in Hungary in 1913, Marion was raised in a castle, surrounded by wealth, servants and the notoriety of an aristocratic upbringing.

At a Viennese ball, she met a handsome young man, the son of an Italian doctor. They rushed into a marriage that lasted only a year.

She returned to Vienna to embark on a career of acting. There she fell in love with the German director Otto Preminger. They married and she followed him to America where he began a promising career as a Hollywood movie director. But her new Hollywood lifestyle could not sustain her marriage and Preminger eventually divorced her.

Marion returned to Europe to live the life of a Parisian socialite until 1948. Then everything changed when she read that Dr. Albert Schweitzer was visiting Europe from his home in Africa. She determined to meet with the notable missionary doctor.

She first encountered Schweitzer doing one of the things he loved to do best while visiting Europe -- playing a church organ for his own enjoyment. He invited her to dine with him. After the meal, Marion knew she had finally found what she'd been looking for. She accompanied Schweitzer every day during the remainder of his European visit. He invited Marion to come back to Africa with him and work as an untrained staff member in the Lamberene hospital.

She left her life of status and ease and moved to Africa. Once there, the girl who was raised like a princess became a servant. She changed bandages, bathed bodies and fed lepers. She gave her life away to the poor and, in the midst of it, found the happiness she'd craved for so long.

It was Albert Schweitzer who asserted, "One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve."

However, wherever and whomever we choose to help is unimportant. There are those in need everywhere. But when we figure out how to sincerely help other people, we'll have also learned how to be happy for a lifetime.

-- Steve Goodier

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