The Most Important Trip You May Ever Take

You know that it is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. But it seems that feather rufflers will always be around.

We’re told that 19th Century German statesman Prince Otto von Bismarck’s feathers were so ruffled by the criticism of a professor acquaintance of his, that he challenged the man to a duel. Protocol had it that the one challenged was to choose which kind of weapon was to be used in the duel.

The professor made a thoughtful choice… he proposed they duel with sausages. He sent word to Bismarck, along with a pair of sausages, that one sausage was safe to eat. The other had been poisoned with trichinae, which would cause a slow and lingering death, or at least long invalidism. He informed the prince that he should pick which sausage to eat and said he’d eat the other one.

Bismarck reasoned that a man might die with some sort of honor on a dueling field, but never by food poisoning. He sent the message back, “His Highness has destroyed the sausages and asks that you be his guest at dinner this evening. After due consideration he feels he may have been slightly in error. He believes an agreement can be reached.”

It’s said that one of the most important trips a person ever takes is “to meet someone halfway.” Bismarck met his adversary halfway and neither man was poisoned that day.

When others ruffle our feathers, we always have a choice. We can meet them on the equivalent of a dueling field and slug it out with words, or worse. But escalating conflict almost always means there will be a winner and a loser.

Or we can take that trip to meet them halfway and iron out a compromise. It is rarely an easy trip to make, but it's worth it once we get there. And who knows, we might even find a solution to the conflict where both sides feel they are coming out ahead.

It’s your choice. And the choice you make will make all the difference.  

-- Steve Goodier

image: flickr.com/Rich Brooks

Letting the Past Be Past

Is it difficult for you to forgive? To let the past be past? It is for me. Nearly impossible sometimes. I’m a little like the elderly Virginian woman who lived to see her beloved Richmond occupied by Union troops after the American Civil War. The matron was walking down a Richmond street when she tripped over a step and fell. A Union soldier courteously helped her up.

“How very kind of you, young man,” she said acidly. “If there is a cool spot in hell, I hope you get it.” (Ouch.)

Maybe it was still a bit early for her to let go of those deep-seated resentments. But angry and bitter lives are never the goal.

A beautiful legend tells of an African tribe that ritualizes forgiveness. When a tribe member acts irresponsibly or unjustly, the offender is taken to the center of the village. All work ceases and every man, woman and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused. Then the tribe bombards the rejected person with affirmations! One at a time, friends and family enumerate all the good the individual has done. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with some detail and accuracy is recounted. All their positive attributes, strengths and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. Finally, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the outcast is welcomed back into the tribe.

What a beautiful ritual of restoration. They replace hurt with happiness; pain with peace. Once again they are family. The rejected one is restored and the village is made whole.

Paul Boese has said, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” As brothers and sisters in our global village, is letting go of those resentments really an option?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimage.com/tim & annette

'Fessing Up

Image by Aarthi Ramamurthy

A hot, new business capitalizes on people's need to 'fess up, as well as their interest in eavesdropping on the confessions of others.

Fee-based phone services and Web sites allow customers to confess anonymously - anything from admissions of petty theft to adultery and even murder. Or, those who are inclined can listen to or read the sordid tales of others. (This is where most of the traffic is headed, by the way.) After the first year of business, one such telephone service, The Confession Line, reportedly made 17 million dollars. Plans were implemented to expand from 25 telephone lines to 100.

I question how beneficial the online confessions sites are for those who actually need to get something off their chests. There is a noticeable lack of contrition and a great deal of self justification. One gets the sense that these so-called true confessions are little more than verbal exhibitionism for contributors and voyeurism for readers. Yet the need to confess, or more importantly, to own up to past mistakes and misdeeds, is vital if one is to be truly free.

Confession is, as they say, good for the soul. And it is also good for the body. Researcher James Pennebaker, author of Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions, studied health benefits of confession. Some people's secrets literally make them sick. He discovered that criminals who confessed to lie detector technicians were often so grateful for the physical relief they felt after "getting it all out," that they actually sent birthday, holiday and thank you cards to the polygraph personnel who heard their stories.

It seems that what we bury deep does not quietly go away. Like a nasty parasite, it eats us up from the inside. Our secrets become our sickness and we won't recover until what we concealed is finally revealed.

So how do we ultimately find freedom from haunting memories and harmful guilt? The best advice goes like this:

1. Bring it up and bring it out into to light. Talk to someone safe. And if it makes sense, talk to the person you wronged. Remember, an apology must never include the the word “but.” No excuses. No rationalization. Just lay it out there and take responsibility. You may be surprised that others are quicker to understand your misdeed than you are even to admit it. But if not, you still did the right thing.
2. Make amends if possible. This is the step most often omitted, but may be the most therapeutic for you and essential for anyone you may have wronged.
3. Forgive yourself. Regardless of whether or not the other forgives you, forgive yourself. Once you’ve done everything else you can, self flagellation will get you nowhere.

Bring it up, make amends, forgive yourself. It sounds simple, but don’t think for a second that it is easy. Getting free from the tyranny of past mistakes can be hard work, but definitely worth the effort.

And  the payoff is health, wholeness and inner peace. In other words, you get your life back.

-- Steve Goodier

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An Important Word to Learn

Image by Max Straeten

An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday when an assistant was reviewing weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic woman recite her name and address and then confidently say, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

Everyone's a comic. (And I love that.) But in another sense, reconciliation IS a difficult word. If not difficult to spell, then difficult to carry out. But it's also an important word.

When my son was eleven years old he came home from school in tears one day. A couple of the older kids had bullied him at the bus stop.

We soon learned that tension had been brewing for some time. For several days there had been taunts, then pushing and shoving. And now the conflict escalated to fists. Rob wanted to stay home from school so he wouldn't have to confront the boys in the future.

We called the school and found great support. "We'll be happy to call the boys' parents," we were told. "And you should call the police."

"We don't know what we will do yet," I said. I felt that calling the police was a resort to be used when everything else failed, and I wanted first to consider other ways of handling the situation. I asked him to hold off calling the boy's parents.

The next day was Saturday. Rob happened to look out the window and said in alarm, "There are the boys who beat me up!" Two older boys were standing in front of our house, as if they were waiting for Rob to step outside.

I immediately began to think of what I wanted to say to them, but my wife Bev, a natural peacemaker, acted first. She opened the door and said with a smile, "Hi guys. Would you like some ice cream?"

They looked at each other in puzzlement. But they were teenagers, after all, so they shrugged their shoulders and one of them said, "Sure. Why not?"

They followed her indoors and Bev promptly introduced herself, Rob's younger brothers and me. She even introduced Rusty the dog. "And I think you already know Rob," she said, pointing to our son. Her idea was to help them to see that Rob was a person, not a target. He had a family; he lived in a neighborhood and even owned a family pet.

Bev drew the boys into conversation while we ate ice cream. After a few minutes, she said, "I know there's been some trouble at the bus stop. I think there may be a misunderstanding."

They nodded that there had indeed been trouble at the bus stop.

She continued, "Maybe we can talk about the misunderstanding so you can be friends."

They nodded their agreement and we talked until the ice cream was finished. Eventually the boys apologized and said there would be no more trouble. And there wasn't. Ever.

The vice-principal of the school called back the following week and asked about the fighting. "Did you call the police?" he asked.

"No, but we've taken care of it," I said.

"What did you do?" he wondered.

I said, "We fed them ice cream."

Reconciliation is a difficult word...a difficult task. But what could be more important? It may be easier to control conflict by force than to persevere and find a way through to harmony and cooperation. Force can stabilize a situation; it can impose a truce. But reconciliation leads to peace, which is a far better outcome.

Blessed are the reconcilers. May they be given all the ice cream they can ever eat!

-- Steve Goodier

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Talking It Out

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"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind," said Robert Ingersoll.

It may be true. I heard a story about one woman who ran a classified ad in order to sell her brand new car. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00."

He laughed to himself, and said, "There goes the newspaper, making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and ask about it.

"Is it really brand new?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Three thousand miles?"

"Yes."

"The price?"

"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.

"Seventy-five dollars! Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.

"Nothing is wrong with it. And, amazingly, you're the first to call. I suppose nobody else believes the ad."

He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck.

"The car is yours for $75.00. Just drive it away."

He paid her and took the keys. "Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for $65,000, at least. What is going on?"

She told her story: "I bought the car for my husband on our fortieth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a text from him. They are in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida. The text said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.' I did."

What do you do when you are angry?

Some people "act it out." They break something. Or they say something they later regret. They strike back. Or they sell the car for $75.00.

Other people "wait it out." Waiting it out seemed to be her husband’s strategy. Let her cool down – it will blow over. But the avoidance of conflict usually never ends well. It just doesn’t go away by itself.

Others "take it out." They kick the dog or scream at the kids. They lash out at the next unlucky person they come across.

Still others "fight it out." With friends and family, fighting it out becomes bickering. On a larger scale, it’s called warfare.

Of course, the best idea is to "talk it out." Nothing new here – we have to bring it up before we can get it out. But talking it out isn’t shouting it out. I think some people believe that if they just say it loudly enough, they can make it so.

Talking it out is about bringing it up – saying what needs to be said clearly, calmly and kindly. But it is also about listening. I think it’s interesting that the word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent." I know that I can’t listen when I’m talking. I can’t listen when I’m figuring out what I want to say next. I have to be still. I have to be silent.

And when I’m silent, something almost magical happens. Walls come down and I can begin to see my way through. When I’m silent I create space for something new to grow between us.

ACT IT OUT and your actions will become a block to good communication.

WAIT IT OUT and you just let it build up inside.

TAKE IT OUT and you cause more hurt and anger.

FIGHT IT OUT and you create winners and losers.

But TALK IT OUT and you can get it out. Be honest. Be clear. But, be reasonable. And then be silent. Let the magic of the moment ferment so that understanding can grow.

Maybe then you can keep the car.

-- Steve Goodier

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Blowing Out the Guilt

I read of a New Jersey artist who capitalized on people’s need to let go of the past by selling them “guilt kits.” Each kit contained ten disposable brown paper bags and a set of instructions which said, “Place bag securely over your mouth, take a deep breath and blow the guilt out. Dispose of bag immediately.” Amazingly, about 2,500 kits sold at $2.50 each. But perhaps not so amazing when you think of the guilt many of us carry around.

Of course, guilt serves its purpose. More than once I made a better decision so that I could look myself in the mirror without blushing. And the kits probably also serve a purpose – if nothing else, to remind us to get rid of those unnecessary and destructive feelings we seem to have so much trouble shaking.

But if blowing in a bag doesn’t do it for you, then you might try another man’s method. He hired a friend to go into therapy for him. He says he always hires other people to carry his baggage.

And if that doesn’t work, here are a few simple steps that that should get at the problem:

First, if you make a mistake, resolve to try never to repeat it. The whole function of guilt is to change behavior.

We underrate our mistakes as effective learning devises. When possible, welcome your mistake, learn from it and decide to do things differently next time.

Second, seek forgiveness from any others who were affected. If possible, make amends.

Finally, forgive yourself. No purpose is served in continuing to whip yourself over past events you can do nothing about. And how will you truly learn to love when there is one person in your life you refuse to completely forgive?

If you follow these steps, you can rid yourself of unnecessary guilt. You will find that you are happier and healthier – and you can save all those brown paper bags for lunch.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Smallest Forest