The Push You Need

Behavioral experts teach that we are motivated both by pain and by pleasure. We can change behaviors and attitudes as we utilize the Principle of Pain and Pleasure.

Here is how it works: One of the most successful American football coaches was Vince Lombardi. But he was not an easy coach to play for. One player, Henry Jordan, chuckled about Lombardi, “He treats us all the same – like dogs.” He went on to say, “I play for the love of the game, the love of the money and the fear of Lombardi.”

When he plays for the love of the game and the love of the money, he is motivated by pleasure. He thinks of the enjoyment he will get when he is on the field and his financial success as a professional player. He may even think of the personal recognition he receives as a professional player and the feelings of self-respect he experiences as he continues to succeed. The pleasure of these thoughts motivates him to play well.

When he thinks of Lombardi’s ire if he does less than his best, he is motivated by pain. Fear is emotional pain – as real as any physical pain. He may think also of the pain of losing his position to another player or even of the embarrassment of a fumbled ball. People will go to great lengths to avoid pain, in whatever form they find it.

All of these “pain thoughts,” as well as his “pleasure thoughts,” help him to rise to his best level of performance. This is the Principle of Pain and Pleasure.

What do you need motivation to do? Is it something related to your job or school? A project? A time-consuming task you’ve been putting off?  Do you need motivation to do something personal, such as quitting a crippling habit? Or do you need more encouragement to work on a huge lifestyle change?

Utilize the Principle of Pain and Pleasure. Think of the pain you will eventually feel (or even feel now) as you fail to follow your heart’s lead. Be creative. Close your eyes and visualize how that pain is oppressing you. Try to see in gory detail how the pain of failing at what you want to accomplish is going to hurt. Spend a little time just feeling that pain.

Then think of the pleasure you will experience as you do or become whatever it is you want for yourself. Visualize yourself as free and happy as you can imagine being. Try to see in your mind’s eye how your eventual success will elevate your life to whole new levels. Spend time feeling that pleasure.

This simple technique will help  you will find the push you need to give birth to your beautiful new life.

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: FreeImages.com/Fernando AUDIBERT

Bear’s Tips for Would-Be Leaders

Image by Teak Sato

. . . because we are all leaders at times.

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first grade class came back from lunch. One of her students informed her, “Robert has to go to the principal’s office.”

“I wonder why?” the teacher mused.

“Because he’s a following person,” the child replied.

“A what?” the teacher asked.

“It came over the loudspeaker: ‘The following persons are to go to the office.’”

If some people are following persons, then others must be leading persons. And actually, we are each followers and leaders at different times. Sometimes we drive the bus, sometimes we’re along for the ride or we help navigate. But if you are ever in a leading position, this advice from college football coaching legend “Bear” Bryant about how to get the best from those around you can be useful.

“I’m just a plow hand in Arkansas,” Bear said, “but I have learned how to hold a team together. How to lift some men up, how to calm down others, until finally they’ve got one heartbeat together, a team. There are just three things I’d ever say: ‘If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, then we did it. If anything goes real good, then you did it.’ That’s all it takes to get people to win football games for you.”

I think that is advice worth remembering, no matter who we are, but particularly for anyone who might find themselves in a leading role. Call them Bear’s tips for would-be leaders:

1. When you’re involved in any endeavor that doesn’t go well, assume appropriate responsibility for the outcome. No excuses. Nurse Florence Nightingale said, “I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse.” If you’re in charge and it doesn’t go well, let it be on you. Good leaders can take it.

2. When the outcome isn’t brilliant, but still okay, share the success with others. No leader achieves anything alone and everyone else can use the boost. Above all, never look for somebody to blame. We take credit for the good and bad together.

3. Finally, when things go especially well, give credit to others. Do you remember what T. S. Eliot said? “Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.” Let go of a need for personal recognition. Heap kudos on others and they’ll perform even better next time. Leaders are only as good as those who follow them and followers are at their best when leaders are quick to give credit for successes.

There they are – Bear’s tips for would-be leaders. Follow them and you’ll find more success the next time you’re a leading person.

- Steve Goodier

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The Finer Points of Positive Motivation

Image courtesy of arte ram

One wife waited patiently, then impatiently, for her husband to repair the lawn mower as he had promised. One day, not wanting to confront him in anger, she tried another tack. That was the day he came home and found her seated on the ground snipping grass with sewing scissors, one blade at a time. He watched in absolute amazement. Then he went into the house and returned with a toothbrush.

"Honey," he said, "when you finish cutting the grass would you mind sweeping the sidewalks?"

They both laughed. And, more importantly, he turned his attention to the mower.

We've all been there. We want to encourage a child to do her homework, or a spouse to complete a project, or a colleague to follow through. How can we encourage without criticizing, nagging, berating or pushing?

Maybe because I'm the one that occasionally has to be nudged, I've learned a few important things about the finer points of positive motivation.

First, whenever possible, try to keep it light-hearted. The careful use of humor can work in any relationship to make the point in a way it will be heard. Sometimes we are so frustrated we know that however we say it, it will be bound to come out wrong. These are especially the times when humor may be needed.

Second, without exception, be polite and respectful. Sometimes it's more about how we say it than what we say. Too much of the world is run on the theory that you don't need road manners if you drive a five-ton truck. No one wants to be forced, pushed, run over, cajoled or manipulated. They want to be respected.

Finally, as often as you can, show appreciation. Novelist Arnold Bennett had a publisher who boasted about the consistently exceptional work of his assistant. One day while visiting the publisher's office, Bennett struck up a conversation with the valued employee. He told her what her boss said about her work. "What's your secret?" he asked.

"It's not my secret," said the assistant, "it's his." She went on to tell him that her boss always acknowledges and appreciates everything she does, regardless how insignificant. That is why she finds it so easy to take pride in her work. The appreciation of her employer nudges her toward constant improvement.

These are a few of the finer points of positive motivation. And even if motivation is not your purpose, respect and appreciation, topped off with a little humor is bound to improve any relationship.

-- Steve Goodier


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Giving Validation

In a northwestern US city, a woman from out of town parked her car in an attended lot and walked across the street to shop. Hoping to get a discount on the cost of parking, and not familiar with local idioms, she asked, “Do you give validation?”

“Certainly,” replied the store’s manager. “You are an excellent person and I love your hair.”

That might have been worth the cost of parking. I mean, who wouldn’t pay a couple of dollars for the kind of validation that she got?

Mark Twain said, “I can live two months off a good compliment.” But then he also said, “If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.” I suppose sometimes that is the only way we can get one.

I’m a strong believer in the power of affirming other people. One time I facetiously told an audience that I have never in my life received a standing ovation. They gave me one -- and I’m here to tell you it isn’t nearly so satisfying when you have to ask for it. Nevertheless, I never underestimate the importance of positive encouragement in a life.

Author Alan Loy McGinnis cites an interesting study about the power of positive encouragement (http://tinyurl.com/6xg9mba). He tells of a second-grade teacher who complained that her children were spending too much time standing up and roaming around the room rather than working.

Two psychologists spent several days at the back of the room with stopwatches observing the behavior of the children and the teacher. Every ten seconds they noted how many children were out of their seats. They counted 360 unseated children throughout each 20-minute period. They also noted that the teacher said "Sit down!" seven times during the same period.

The psychologists tried an experiment. The asked the teacher to tell the children to sit down more often. Then they sat back to see what would happen. This time they noted that she commanded her students to sit down 27.5 times in an average 20-minute period, and now 540 were noted to be out of their seats during the same average period. Her increased scolding actually made the problem worse. (Interestingly, when she later backed off to her normal number of reprimands, the roaming also declined to the exact same number recorded previously in just two days.)

Then the experimenters tried a different tack. They asked the teacher to refrain from commanding the children to sit down altogether, and to instead quietly compliment those children who were seated and working. The result? Children's roaming decreased by 33%. They exhibited their best behavior when they were complimented more and reprimanded less.

There is immense power in affirming others. Leaders who get results know this. People who draw others to themselves and who motivate others to great action are almost always those who encourage more than criticize; who compliment more and reprimand less.

Perhaps the woman’s question is the correct one after all. “Do you give validation?” I hope I can always answer YES.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimages.com/Crystal Ayala

Needing a Nudge

A wiser person than I once said that humans have four basic needs. One is the need to be nurtured. Next is the need to be needed. Third, the need to be noticed. And finally, the need to be nudged.

Although I never had much luck nudging my own children, I've often thought of a story about a small boy who could not be nudged to quit banging a drum. Various attempts were made to do something about quieting the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. A third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

I agree that we sometimes need to be nudged. At times, we may need to be nudged into healthier behaviors. Or maybe nudged out of destructive relationships or patterns. Or simply nudged to think a little bigger; to do or be a something more challenging and less mediocre.

No doubt, that is why the motivational industry is so successful. (And no, it is probably not true that if you listen to your motivational tapes backwards you will become a failure. I think a couple of you may have been worried about that…)

It seems to me that good leaders know about this basic human need to be prodded, challenged and encouraged. They also know that the best way to nudge someone is often simply to invite them along a path that is more appealing than the one they’ve chosen. The best leaders teach us to dream and tempt us to do more than we ever thought possible. They challenge us to be a part of something great.

Writer Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, "If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea." Sometimes all we need is a nudge to desire something magnificent.

Is this the nudge you need?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/

How Thirsty Are You?

A man had an operation, and the doctor, by mistake, left a sponge in him. A friend asked him if he had any pain because of it. "No," said the man, "but I sure do get thirsty."

Isn't it wonderful when we get thirsty - not for water, but thirsty to chase a dream or to so something different? I think it is those people who crave something with an unquenchable thirst who, in the end, are likely to be most satisfied with their lives.

Author Napoleon Hill said, "Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything." He is really talking about a deep thirst.

Alan C. Elliott tells in his book A Daily Dose of the American Dream about a five-year study that was undertaken to discover what made some people extraordinarily successful. The study consisted of detailed research into the lives of 120 of the nation's top artists, athletes, and scholars.

He reports that the researcher was surprised to find that natural abilities played only a small part in the development of those individuals. As children, these unusually successful adults were often mediocre musicians, athletes or students. But research found that they possessed a powerful thirst to succeed. They practiced the piano for hours every day, rose well before school in the morning to practice swimming or running, or spent huge chunks of time alone (time they could have spent hanging out with friends) working on science projects or painting.

Parental support was also a key factor. Parents of these extraordinarily thirsty young people helped out, exposing their children to great ideas and influential persons. Many sacrificed to ensure that their offspring received good training. But in the end, it was their children's thirst and single-mindedness that made the difference.

The principle applies to adults, too. If you want to be more successful, the question you might first ask yourself is, "How thirsty am I?" Your success in any field you choose, anything you want to be or anything you want to do will hinge on your answer to that simple question.

How thirsty are you?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/amanda tipton

I Always Wanted To

An old prospector wandered into a small town where he was accosted by a loud, obnoxious and quite drunken cowboy. The cowboy pointed his six-shooters in the old miner’s direction and asked, “Old man, do you know how to dance?”

“Nope,” the prospector replied.

“Maybe you’d better learn,” said the cowpuncher. Hot lead kicked up dust around the old man’s feet and he began to dance.

Soon, however, the guns were empty. Now the old prospector reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a sawed-off shotgun.

“Son,” he said, “you ever kissed a mule?”

Looking first at the shotgun, then at the spot where the mule’s tail is attached to its body, the young cowboy got the message. “Nope,” he answered, “I never kissed a mule. But I always wanted to!”

Desire is another word for wanting to do something. And in real life, desire is not something that can be given by anyone else. If there is something you want to do, it is probably not because somebody is holding a gun to your head. You just want to do it. Your desire comes from the inside.

If you decide you want to improve, if you want a meaningful relationship or more fulfilling work, if you want a rich spiritual life or a healthier body, then the desire must come from your own heart. Nobody can make you want those things. They can support you and even inspire you, but only you can make it happen.

There may be a hundred reasons we think we can’t be the people we want to be. But there is really only one. We don’t want it badly enough.

It was George Washington Carver, an African American who probably did have a hundred reasons not to change his circumstances, who a century ago said, “Most people search high and wide for the keys to success. If they only knew, the key to their dreams lies within.”

And that key is labeled “desire.”

-- Steve Goodier


Image: flickr.com/Jo Naylor

A Dream That Will Catch Your Heart

That all-too-quotable Yogi Berra once said, "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else." (I think that happened to me once.)

But even if you know where you want to end up, do you REALLY WANT to be there? I'm not talking about traveling now, but where we're going with our lives. Is the dream you are following really that important to you?

Most people are not lazy. They simply have uninspiring goals. They don't accomplish what they set out to do because they lose interest. The dream they are following is simply not that important to them.

But then I think of Dennis Oehler. He ran the 100-meter dash in 11.73 seconds. Record-holder Maurice Greene ran it in 9.79 seconds, almost two seconds faster. So what's the big deal? Maurice Greene has two legs. Dennis Oehler has one. One leg -- and a huge dream.

The truth is -- we are always highly motivated when something means a great deal to us. If I fell into a deep lake and I didn't know how to swim, I would become highly motivated in an instant. Climbing from the lake would mean more to me than anything else in the world. My effort would be no less than astounding and I would suddenly become one of the most excited and enthusiastic persons imaginable.

And that goes for anything that is truly important to us. If we want something badly enough, we will find necessary energy, excitement and drive to grasp it.

Writer Tim Redmond says this about following worthwhile dreams: "There are many things that will catch my eye, but there are only a few that catch my heart...it is those I consider to pursue."

Is your dream big enough -- important enough -- to catch your heart?

-- Steve Goodier