The Most Important Trip You May Ever Take

You know that it is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. But it seems that feather rufflers will always be around.

We’re told that 19th Century German statesman Prince Otto von Bismarck’s feathers were so ruffled by the criticism of a professor acquaintance of his, that he challenged the man to a duel. Protocol had it that the one challenged was to choose which kind of weapon was to be used in the duel.

The professor made a thoughtful choice… he proposed they duel with sausages. He sent word to Bismarck, along with a pair of sausages, that one sausage was safe to eat. The other had been poisoned with trichinae, which would cause a slow and lingering death, or at least long invalidism. He informed the prince that he should pick which sausage to eat and said he’d eat the other one.

Bismarck reasoned that a man might die with some sort of honor on a dueling field, but never by food poisoning. He sent the message back, “His Highness has destroyed the sausages and asks that you be his guest at dinner this evening. After due consideration he feels he may have been slightly in error. He believes an agreement can be reached.”

It’s said that one of the most important trips a person ever takes is “to meet someone halfway.” Bismarck met his adversary halfway and neither man was poisoned that day.

When others ruffle our feathers, we always have a choice. We can meet them on the equivalent of a dueling field and slug it out with words, or worse. But escalating conflict almost always means there will be a winner and a loser.

Or we can take that trip to meet them halfway and iron out a compromise. It is rarely an easy trip to make, but it's worth it once we get there. And who knows, we might even find a solution to the conflict where both sides feel they are coming out ahead.

It’s your choice. And the choice you make will make all the difference.  

-- Steve Goodier

image: flickr.com/Rich Brooks

Have You Lost the Dead Part Yet?

I am discovering that many people want, above all else, to live life fully. Or at least to get more out of life. But sometimes the past gets in the way. Unhealed hurts and unnecessary guilt too often suck the life out of people.

Here is a great visual. A schoolteacher tells about when he entered his room a few minutes early and noticed a mealworm laboriously crawling along the floor. It had somehow been injured. The back part of the worm was dead and dried up, but still attached to the front, living part by just a thin thread.

As the teacher studied the strange sight of a poor worm pulling its dead half across the floor, a little girl ran in and noticed it there. Picking it up, she said, “Oh, Oscar, when are you going to lose that dead part so you can really live?”

She could be asking that question to any of us. For you, too, may be dragging around something that you should have left behind long ago. Maybe anger over a past incident. Or some long-ago hurt of betrayal. Maybe you’re dragging around feelings of guilt brought about by poor decisions you’ve lived with for so long you hardly know how to feel without them. 

What an important question for each of us - when are you going to lose that dead part so you can really live? When are you going to let the past BE the past? All the memories of the past that steal your peace today should not be allowed in the present. If you’ve been dragging around something that is dead, it’s time to choose life.  

Let the child's question be your question: “When are you going to lose the dead part so you can really live?” Answering that question today may be the most important thing you have done in a long time.


-- Steve Goodier

Getting It Out Is Enough

MorgueFile

John stopped by the store to pick up a couple items, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. He went up to the police officer and said, “Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

The policeman ignored him and continued writing the citation. So John called him a stupid idiot. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket -- a citation for bald tires.

John made disparaging comments about the officer’s paternity. When the second citation was finished the cop smiled and began writing a third. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner.

Anger Management Tip #1: Don’t take it personally.

True story: I learned that a woman in Arkansas (USA) called her local police department. She asked about the penalty for fighting. The sergeant told her that she could be charged with assault and battery. The fine was $100.
    
“Oh, I want to beat up my sister,” she said, “and I wanted to see if I can afford it.”

Anger Management Tip #2: Count the cost.

In the Japanese town of Yamanakako, visitors will pay hefty sums simply for the chance to vent their anger in Yoshie Ogasawara’s “Relief Room,” the main attraction of her four-story fun house. There, stressed-out business persons, jilted lovers and enraged spouses can smash a large porcelain vase, hurl ceramic ware into a soapstone peach tree from China and break a few ceramic clowns in an attempt to express their pent-up rage.

Anger Management Tip #3: Don’t break your own stuff.

Anger Management Tip #4 might be your best one, though. Tell It.

William Blake famously wrote:

     I was angry with my friend, I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
     I was angry with my foe. I told it not, my wrath did grow.

It’s true that anger must be “told” to be stilled. And if it is not possible to talk directly with the offending person, find a good listener. Sometimes, just “getting it out” is enough.

Further, don’t wait long to tell it, since unacknowledged anger is a malignant tumor. As ancient biblical wisdom teaches, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger.”

Anger Management Tip #4: Tell it. And if you tell it well, that may be the only management tip you need to know.

-- Steve Goodier


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Choosing to End Anger

Angry Bale

Imagine a fine, spring day. A man is driving cheerfully along a picturesque road, which winds through the lazy countryside. Suddenly, from around the next curve, a car barrels toward him in his lane. He brakes hard, and as it swerves past, the woman driver screams at him, “Pig! Pig!”

Furious, he shouts back at her, “Sow! Sow!” Pleased with himself, he drives around the curve and runs smack into a pig.

Anyone can get angry. But like Aristotle pointed out, “To be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way is not so easy.” Which is to say, much of the time we get angry either with the wrong person, or to the wrong degree, or at the wrong time, or for the wrong purpose, or in the wrong way.

Few of us are experts here. And there is no shortage of tried and true anger management techniques. Skilled practitioners tell us to slow down and think before we speak, to take a timeout, to find an emotional “happy place,” to use humor, to learn how to relax or meditate...you may use some of these methods yourself. And these practices certainly have a place in keeping ire in check.

But a piece of advice from ancient wisdom may be the most useful of all. It gets at what is probably the most important thing we can do when we become upset and angry. The advice is this: decide to end it. That’s right; anger should be ended. Get it out, then put it down. Biblical wisdom teaches, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger.”

Anger without end is the worst. As Frederick Buechner (Wishful Thinking) observes: “To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past ... to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you."

Anyone can get angry and all of us will. But lingering acrimony hurts everyone, especially those who pick away at it. And no anger management technique will work if we don’t finally make the decision to push away from the table and leave it all behind.

Healthy people know not to gorge on anger. At the end of the day, they walk away. They choose to end it. And it’s an easier choice the next time.

-- Steve Goodier

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Serenity in Chaos

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As an airport skycap checked through a customer at curbside, he accidentally knocked over the man's luggage. He quickly collected the fallen bags and apologized for the mishap. Unappeased, the traveler burst into an angry tirade, raging and swearing at the skycap for his clumsiness.

Throughout the traveler's rant, the baggage handler calmly apologized and smiled. The livid customer continued to berate the man, even as he turned away and headed for his gate. Through it all the baggage handler smiled and remained calm.

The next customer in line witnessed the incident and marveled at the skycap's professionalism and self control. "I have never seen such restraint and humility," he said. "How do you keep your cool when somebody is attacking you so viciously?"

"It's easy," the skycap answered. "He's going to London, but his bags are going to Tokyo."

I won’t recommend that we use revenge to relieve stress. But let me tell you about someone who has found a way to go through most of his life unfazed by the turbulence that affects most people.

He is one of the calmest people I’ve ever known and he describes how he keeps his cool no matter how turbulent a situation becomes. He says, “I look at it this way. A traffic jam has no power to make me angry. It just stops my car. And that’s the way I try to look at most of what happens to me.” With that philosophy, this guy goes through life with a serenity I can only envy.

My friend likes to say things like, “A rude customer has no power to make me angry; he just fusses.” And, “A mistake I made has no power to make me upset; it’s just a chance to do better.” He shows how we can truly find calmness in the midst of chaos.

Eminent 20th Century American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote a short prayer that has been reprinted countless times. Bill Wilson, co-founder of the support group Alcoholics Anonymous, became familiar with the prayer about 1941. He edited and adapted it, and then circulated it with the title “Serenity Prayer.” You are likely familiar with his version:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

The prayer has been a great help to many hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of people over the years. And the truth of the matter is that there is much which cannot be changed. We can’t do anything about this evening’s traffic. Another person’s reaction is not something we can control. 

Furthermore, we may have made any number of mistakes that we probably regret, but they are in the past and that is something we cannot change. Reliving the past does not help us change the future.

There’s a certain power in calmness. And those who learn to accept with serenity that which they cannot change will find power to change those things they can.

-- Steve Goodier

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Talking It Out

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"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind," said Robert Ingersoll.

It may be true. I heard a story about one woman who ran a classified ad in order to sell her brand new car. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00."

He laughed to himself, and said, "There goes the newspaper, making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and ask about it.

"Is it really brand new?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Three thousand miles?"

"Yes."

"The price?"

"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.

"Seventy-five dollars! Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.

"Nothing is wrong with it. And, amazingly, you're the first to call. I suppose nobody else believes the ad."

He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck.

"The car is yours for $75.00. Just drive it away."

He paid her and took the keys. "Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for $65,000, at least. What is going on?"

She told her story: "I bought the car for my husband on our fortieth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a text from him. They are in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida. The text said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.' I did."

What do you do when you are angry?

Some people "act it out." They break something. Or they say something they later regret. They strike back. Or they sell the car for $75.00.

Other people "wait it out." Waiting it out seemed to be her husband’s strategy. Let her cool down – it will blow over. But the avoidance of conflict usually never ends well. It just doesn’t go away by itself.

Others "take it out." They kick the dog or scream at the kids. They lash out at the next unlucky person they come across.

Still others "fight it out." With friends and family, fighting it out becomes bickering. On a larger scale, it’s called warfare.

Of course, the best idea is to "talk it out." Nothing new here – we have to bring it up before we can get it out. But talking it out isn’t shouting it out. I think some people believe that if they just say it loudly enough, they can make it so.

Talking it out is about bringing it up – saying what needs to be said clearly, calmly and kindly. But it is also about listening. I think it’s interesting that the word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent." I know that I can’t listen when I’m talking. I can’t listen when I’m figuring out what I want to say next. I have to be still. I have to be silent.

And when I’m silent, something almost magical happens. Walls come down and I can begin to see my way through. When I’m silent I create space for something new to grow between us.

ACT IT OUT and your actions will become a block to good communication.

WAIT IT OUT and you just let it build up inside.

TAKE IT OUT and you cause more hurt and anger.

FIGHT IT OUT and you create winners and losers.

But TALK IT OUT and you can get it out. Be honest. Be clear. But, be reasonable. And then be silent. Let the magic of the moment ferment so that understanding can grow.

Maybe then you can keep the car.

-- Steve Goodier

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Tempering Our Temper

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A young girl came into the house with a tear in her pants. Her mother was exasperated, as this had happened too many times before. At her wits end, she said to her daughter, "Now you go into your room, take off those pants, and sew up that tear!" The poor child had never held needle and thread in her life.

So understandably, a little while later her mother saw the pants crumpled on the floor of her daughter's bedroom -- still torn. She looked around for her daughter. Spying the basement light on, she called down the stairs, "Are you down there running around with your pants off?"

A big voice boomed up, "No ma'am. I'm reading the gas meter."

Of course, what parent can’t relate to her exasperation?

On the other hand, I DO have trouble understanding the guy in Los Angeles who was arrested for negligent discharge of a weapon after shooting his toilet bowl five times with a handgun (and yes, this is true). Why did he assault the commode? He apparently exploded when he couldn’t extract a hair brush his daughter flushed down.

He might benefit from the advice of one of America’s great presidents, Thomas Jefferson, who cautioned, "When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to 100." I think it applies to discharging weapons, too.

Maybe another technique works better for you. One husband asked his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

She smiled at him. "I clean the toilet bowl." (Uh-oh, toilets again.)

"How does that help?"

"I use your toothbrush," she said sweetly.

It's not that anger is a bad thing in itself. A good bit of fire in the belly may be needed to right the world’s wrongs. But this isn’t about righteous indignation. It’s about tempering our temper.

I’ve seen marriages destroyed, careers derailed and relationships of all kinds decimated by uncontrolled rage. It’s no wonder all of the world’s great religions have something to say about it. To name a few, the Buddha said, "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." The prophet Muhammad said, "He is not strong and powerful who throws people down, but he is strong who withholds himself from anger." And in Christian scripture Jesus instructs, "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." You get the idea.

I like the motto Mahatma Gandhi hung on his wall at Sevagram:

"When you are in the right,
You can afford to keep your temper;
When you are in the wrong,
You can't afford to lose it."

I’m sure I could never say it better.

-- Steve Goodier

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If Life Were Not So Bitter...

File this story under the heading: "If life were not so bitter, revenge would not be sweet."

After seventeen years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked his wife to move out and said he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given three days.

The first day she packed her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted alone on shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited shrimp leftovers into the hollow of her curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

Her husband returned with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled as it did.

They tried everything. First they cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. That didn't work. Then they checked vents for dead rodents. Still no luck. They steam cleaned the carpets and hung air fresheners. That didn't solve the problem. They hired exterminators; still no good. They ripped out the carpets and replaced them. But the smell lingered.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company packed everything and moved it all to their new place. Everything. Even the curtain rods.

I like the story because of the humor. But revenge is always a poor option if we want to be healthy and happy.

The problem is... we can't carry a grudge and carry love in our hearts at the same time. We have to give one of them up. It's a choice we make.

Some resentments are large; they've built up over a long time and will not be easy to part with. Some have been fed by years of pain and anger. But all the more reason to give them up.

When we're tired of the anger and resentment and bitterness, we can choose a better way. We can be forever unhappy, or we can be healthy. We're just not made to carry a big grudge and a heart filled with love at the same time.

But I still chuckle at the story.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Quinn Dombrowski

The Danger Zone

Anger is just one letter short of danger -- it seems to be true in English as well as in practice. Dr. Bedford Williams at Duke University has determined that students who score high on a "hostility test" are in far greater danger of dying young than their peers. In fact, those who are prone to anger are in greater physical danger than those who smoke, have high blood pressure or even high cholesterol.

Not that we should never be angry. It is a normal part of life. We all get "worked up," "overheated" or just plain "hopping mad" at times. Those closest to us know it best. (Just ask my kids!)

One little boy said about his mother: "When she starts to act real weird, you have to look scared and serious. Don't giggle. When mommies are mad, they get madder when you giggle."

The good news is that simply getting angry does not seem to be the problem. Well-directed anger can be a helpful emotion. But STAYING angry is dangerous -- to our health and to our relationships.

Here are four simple steps that can help move us out of the danger zone when we feel as if our hostility is running the show.

1. Control it. Uncontrolled anger will take over.
2. Talk it out. Don't keep it in and let it fester.
3. Act on it. Do what needs to be done to resolve the situation. Helplessness will only provoke more anger and, eventually, despair.
4. End it. Just as there is a starting point for anger, there must be an ending. Make a decision not to prolong destructive hostility.

It can help to remember that for every minute we're angry, we lose sixty seconds of happiness and sixty seconds of peace. The sooner we get out of the danger zone, the sooner we can get back to truly living.

-- Steve Goodier


Image: flickr.com/txmx 2