Rising Above Criticism

Former U.S. President John F. Kennedy received endless advice and criticism from the media concerning how he should run the country. Much of it he took good-naturedly. In fact, he often used a favorite story in response to the media’s comments about how they thought he could do a better job.

He told about a legendary baseball player who always played flawlessly. He consistently hit when at bat and was never thrown out at first. When on base he never failed to score. As a fielder, he never dropped a ball and he threw with unerring accuracy. He ran swiftly and played gracefully. 

In fact, he would have been one of the all-time greats except for one thing – no one could ever persuade him to put down his beer and hot dog and come out of the press box to play.

Most of us can empathize, for we all have people in our lives who criticize and second-guess. They are quick to point out flaws and quicker yet to offer advice.

When it comes to receiving criticism, I believe it helps to remember first that not all criticism is invalid. Wisdom listens for the kernel of truth and saves it for future growth. Norman Vincent Peale put it well. He accurately said, “The trouble with most of us is that we'd rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” Thoughtful criticism truly can be helpful.

But when criticism seems unfair or unwarranted, it helps to take a lesson from hawks. When hawks are attacked by crows, they will not counterattack. Instead, they will soar higher and higher in ever-widening circles until the pesky birds leave them alone.

The next time crows caw and attack, be a hawk. Quietly rise above the noise and learn to soar. 

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Stan Lupo

Bridges to the Heart

I recently learned of a research organization that asked several thousand people, “What are the most serious faults of executives in dealing with their associates and subordinates?” (By the way, this also applies to teachers dealing with their students and parents with their children.) Several faults could be chosen. What do you think was mentioned most often? 

Sixty eight percent of the respondents said the biggest problem they see in the workplace is a consistent failure to see the other person's point of view. In fact, that was mentioned twice as often as anything else.

Apparently, the people they value most in the workplace are those who try to understand others. And we know that is true in all kinds of relationships. We don’t always need others to agree with us, but we do need to feel heard. We need them to at least understand what we are saying. In fact, feeling heard may well be one of our greatest emotional needs. Without it, we can feel disheartened, we believe we don’t matter and we find ourselves increasingly unhappy and lonely.

Grade school children demonstrate this important human need to be heard. In some schools, children seldom talk about personal problems with their teachers or the school principal for fear of consequences. But do you know which adult in the school they sometimes feel safest talking to? The school custodian. Often, the custodian is a person who will listen without judging; an adult who won’t discount what was said.

And something amazing can happen: when we decide to try to hear another’s point of view, we make allies out of enemies and friends out of strangers. It’s a way of building strong emotional bridges between people. Not just any bridges, either - bridges to the heart.

-- Steve Goodier 

Image: flickr.com/David Schroeder 

When Your Words Distract

Walking into a noisy classroom, the teacher slapped her hand on the desk and ordered sharply, “I demand pandemonium!” The class quieted down immediately. “It isn’t what you demand,” she later explained, “but the way you demand it.”

It isn’t always what you say, but the way you say it. Try saying, “I love you,” with a scowl.

When I write, I try to be careful about the words I use. But most of the time, great communication isn’t about choosing great words. One marriage counselor sometimes asks couples who have difficulty communicating to forget words altogether and take 20 minutes to simply look into each other’s face and be silent together. They may see what they have missed: hurting eyes, longing hearts, unfulfilled dreams, unmet needs, or a yearning to love and be loved. They learn that deep communication, which may be the most effective kind of communication, is more than words. We communicate through our eyes, our expressions, our attentiveness, our gestures, our body language and most important of all -- our actions.

An international tourist came upon a group of people listening to an orator in the central square of a small European town. The speaker shouted from a makeshift podium. At one point, his arms waved about wildly, his stern face turned red and the veins in his neck bulged and throbbed.

Since he could not speak the language, the now curious tourist asked a man next to him what the speaker was ranting about. The man pointed to a church spire in the distance and said, “See that church steeple? The fellow who is speaking in the square is the pastor of that church. Right now he is preaching about the love of God.”

By watching him, who would know? And I wonder what kind of sermon he’d preach if he chose not to use any words at all. I suspect he may communicate something quite different...but might it possibly even be closer to the heart of God? Perhaps that beloved 12th-13th Century friar Francis of Assisi got it right. It’s said he once instructed his brother friars to go into the village and preach about the love of God to everyone they encountered. Then he added, “Use words if necessary.”

As I endeavor to share what’s in my heart, I try never to forget Francis’ instructions: use words if necessary. But what do you do when your words seem a distraction to what you really want to say? Can you say it anyway? Try it -- with no words at all. Something beautiful just might happen.

-- Steve Goodier

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Turning Your Listening On

A subscriber to “Theatre Arts” dialed directory assistance for the magazine's number. The operator said, “Sorry, sir, but there's no one listed by the name ‘Theodore Arts.’” 

The man said, "No, it's not a person; it's a publication. I want the listing for Theatre Arts." 

"I told you, we do not have a listing for Theodore Arts," came the disinterested voice.

The man said in a loud voice: "The word is 'THEATRE. T - H - E - A - T - R - E.' I need the listing for Theatre Arts." 

"Sir,” said the operator, “that is NOT how you spell Theodore."

Patricia Goldman, as vice chairperson of the National Transportation Safety Board, used to tell a story about how poorly airline passengers listen. She says that one flight attendant, who was frustrated by passenger inattentiveness during her what-to-do-in-an-emergency talk, changed the wording. This is what she actually said:

“When the mask drops down in front of you, place it over your navel and continue to breathe normally.”

Not a single passenger noticed.

We have eyelids, but we do not have ear-lids. To compensate, we learn to listen selectively – to turn our listening on and off. And though we are well-practiced at turning listening off, we may not be as good at turning it back on. What would happen if we turned our listening on full strength?

If you have ever been listened to, really listened to, you know how powerful that experience is. Listening is best when it is done with your whole self. This is what I mean: 

• Listen with your eyes. Make eye contact with the speaker. And forget about multi-tasking. Research shows that it is impossible to truly listen to another person while doing something else at the same time.
• Listen with your ears. It is impossible to listen when you are speaking. Learn to concentrate on the moment at hand and clear your mind of distractions.
• Listen with your mind. Let go of preconceived ideas about what you think the speaker is saying. Keep your mind open, even if you suspect you will dislike what you are about to hear.
• Listen with your heart. Be concerned for and genuinely interested in the person to whom you are listening. That will speak louder than anything you actually say.

Dr. Karl Menninger stated, “Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward.” Listening with your eyes, your ears, your mind and your heart not only works, it can create an almost magical bond between you and others.  

It may be good to speak in such a way that others love to listen to you, but it’s better to listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

-- Steve Goodier

Grow Antennae

A story, which may appropriately belong to the files of “urban legends,” tells about a Philadelphia legal firm that sent flowers to an associate in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon that bedecked the floral piece read, “Deepest Sympathy.”

When the florist was informed of her mistake, she let out a cry of alarm. “Good grief! Then the flowers that went to the funeral said, “Congratulations on Your New Location”!

It is difficult enough to offer comfort without mixing up the sentiment. So difficult, in fact, that many people simply don’t know what to say to someone who has just unburdened grief or emotional pain. Not unlike the new clergyman who, when a distressed young woman confided that she was pregnant, blurted out, “Are you sure it’s yours?”

Too often, we want to help, but find that our attempts to offer comfort, solace or hope fall short of the mark. But there is something we CAN say to those who hurt that can be helpful and comforting.

One man, whose grandson died accidentally, found genuine comfort when he shared his pain with friends shortly after the tragedy. Of all the well-meaning words of support, two statements helped to sustain and comfort him through the grief more than the rest. They were: “Thank you for sharing your pain,” and “I grieve with you.” After hearing those words, he no longer felt alone in his suffering. He felt as if his friends embraced his grief. He felt better.

“Thank you for sharing your pain” is an honest acknowledgment of another’s suffering. It also expresses an appreciation for the effort it takes a wounded soul to open her emotional wounds to others.

“I grieve with you” is an expression of empathy. It is a way of saying that I am willing to share some of your pain, even for a time.

We can’t fix it. We shouldn't try to offer advice. And we may never know how someone feels who is hurting in a way we have never experienced. But we can give some comfort.

I think James Angell, former president of the University of Michigan, got it right when he was asked the secret of his success. “The secret of success?” he replied. “Grow antennae, not horns.”

-- Steve Goodier

Image by Phil Hilfiker

Getting It Out Is Enough

MorgueFile

John stopped by the store to pick up a couple items, and when he came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. He went up to the police officer and said, “Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

The policeman ignored him and continued writing the citation. So John called him a stupid idiot. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket -- a citation for bald tires.

John made disparaging comments about the officer’s paternity. When the second citation was finished the cop smiled and began writing a third. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more John abused him, the more tickets he wrote. John didn't care. His car was parked around the corner.

Anger Management Tip #1: Don’t take it personally.

True story: I learned that a woman in Arkansas (USA) called her local police department. She asked about the penalty for fighting. The sergeant told her that she could be charged with assault and battery. The fine was $100.
    
“Oh, I want to beat up my sister,” she said, “and I wanted to see if I can afford it.”

Anger Management Tip #2: Count the cost.

In the Japanese town of Yamanakako, visitors will pay hefty sums simply for the chance to vent their anger in Yoshie Ogasawara’s “Relief Room,” the main attraction of her four-story fun house. There, stressed-out business persons, jilted lovers and enraged spouses can smash a large porcelain vase, hurl ceramic ware into a soapstone peach tree from China and break a few ceramic clowns in an attempt to express their pent-up rage.

Anger Management Tip #3: Don’t break your own stuff.

Anger Management Tip #4 might be your best one, though. Tell It.

William Blake famously wrote:

     I was angry with my friend, I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
     I was angry with my foe. I told it not, my wrath did grow.

It’s true that anger must be “told” to be stilled. And if it is not possible to talk directly with the offending person, find a good listener. Sometimes, just “getting it out” is enough.

Further, don’t wait long to tell it, since unacknowledged anger is a malignant tumor. As ancient biblical wisdom teaches, “Don’t let the sun set on your anger.”

Anger Management Tip #4: Tell it. And if you tell it well, that may be the only management tip you need to know.

-- Steve Goodier


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Before You Speak -- THINK

Image by Ivan Prole

I read an article about a Texas woman who sued the producers of the now defunct American reality show "Extreme Makeover" for more than one million dollars. The show depicted ordinary men and women undergoing "extreme makeovers" that involved plastic surgery, exercise regimens, hairdressing and wardrobing. Each episode ended with the participants' return to their families and friends, showing the reactions of their loved ones, who had not been allowed to see the incremental changes during their absence.

The woman came to Los Angeles to be a contestant on the show after undergoing a series of medical exams to determine if her crooked teeth and droopy eyes could be fixed and her small breasts enhanced. They determined she might be a good candidate for their extreme makeover techniques and signed her on.

To prepare for the show, the producers sent a crew to her home to interview the woman and her family. The suit claims the Extreme Makeover crew manipulated the contestant's sister into making blunt and cruel statements on camera disparaging her sister's looks, presumably for more dramatic effect on television.

But the night before the woman's makeover was to begin, the show's producers told her it would take too long for work on her jaw to heal and she would not be able to participate as a makeover recipient. They canceled her appearance and she returned home to her distraught sister who had made the hurtful remarks. The sister was so upset over what she had said, she eventually took her life, according to the suit. The lawsuit was eventually settled out of court.

There are few things in this world as powerful as words. Too late this family learned that, once hurtful words have been spoken, they can never be retrieved.

We're told that architect Frank Lloyd Wright had his own ideas on the power of words. He once said, “I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” (That gives me pause each time I sit down to write.)

But words alone can affect great good as well as evil. A few apt words have swept candidates into office, ended as well as started wars, paved the way for peace and carried with them both hope as well as despair. Words alone have ruined lives, but have also brought forth healing. It is well known the harm words can cause, but the good they can bring is equally impressive.

Your words of encouragement at the appropriate time can lift a person from hopelessness or build a lasting bridge of friendship. They seem little things, but carry with them tremendous power.

Here is some of the best advice I've come across concerning how we use words.
 
Before you speak (before you write): THINK.
     T    is it True?
     H    is it Helpful?
     I     is it Inspiring?
     N    is it Necessary?
     K    is it Kind?

Your words have immeasurable power. Use them with care.

– Steve Goodier

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Un-Thanked People

 

Image courtesy of Stephanie Hofschlaeger

When William Stidger taught at Boston University, he once reflected upon the great number of un-thanked people in his life. Those who had helped nurture him, inspire him or who cared enough about him to leave a lasting impression.

One was a schoolteacher he'd not heard of in many years. But he remembered that she had gone out of her way to put a love of verse in him, and Will had loved poetry all his life. He wrote a letter of thanks to her.

The reply he received, written in the feeble scrawl of the aged, began, "My dear Willie." He was delighted. Now over 50, bald and a professor, he didn't think there was a person left in the world who would call him "Willie." Here is that letter:

"My dear Willie,
I cannot tell you how much your note meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue-cold morning and it cheered me as nothing has in many years."

Not prone to cry easily, Bill wept over that note. She was one of the great un-thanked people from Bill's past. You know them. We all do. The teacher who made a difference. That coach we'll never forget. The music instructor or Sunday school worker who helped us to believe in ourselves. That scout leader who cared.

We all remember people who shaped our lives in various ways. People whose influence changed us. Bill Stidger found a way to show his appreciation – he wrote them letters.

Who are some of the un-thanked people from your past? It may not be too late to say, "Thanks."

-- Steve Goodier

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Listening with Your Heart

Image courtesy of Ilco

This is an actual advertisement found in a Utah (USA) newspaper from a man trying to sell his motorcycle.

"2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive Service!)

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife!

Apparently "do whatever the heck you want" doesn't mean what I thought!!!

Call me, Steve. [phone number]"

Her sarcasm was lost on him. Somehow he didn’t hear the words behind the words.

Why is it? We own cell phones and send email. We talk, text and tweet. We have more ways of communicating than ever before, but communication is still a major problem.

Maybe they hear our words, but they're deaf to what is behind the words. So what do we do? We say it LOUDER. If we can't be understood at conversational level, maybe they'll understand if we blast it into their heads.

And sometimes we simply don’t listen well. Perhaps that is because many of us are afflicted with what communicator Nido Qubein terms "agenda anxiety" – the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what they might want to say to us. So we don’t listen. We try to impress rather than express, not realizing that two monologues do not make a dialogue.

"Please understand me," is the desperate cry of too many relationships. "You don’t have to make me feel better; you don’t have to do anything; you don’t even have to agree with me. But don’t judge me. Just understand me. Please."

The truth is that our relationships work when communication works. And communication works when we hear the words behind the words; when it becomes as important for us to listen as it is for us to speak; and, when we truly understand each other. For me, it takes more than merely listening with my ears. I also have to listen with my heart.

My colleague and friend Roy Trueblood collaborated on the book MANAGING FROM THE HEART [Managing from the Heart] In it, the authors discuss what it means to communicate from the heart as well as from the head. Here are five principles of "H-E-A-R-T" communication. These are great tips for better talking and listening in personal relationships.

H - Hear and understand me.

E - Even if you disagree, please don’t make me wrong.

A - Acknowledge the greatness within me.

R - Remember to look for my loving intentions.

T - Tell me the truth with compassion.

Noted author and psychotherapist Virginia Satir said this about communication: "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him." It seems important that we get it right.

I realize that the quality of my life will be largely determined by the quality of my relationships. And my relationships will improve when I learn to listen with my heart.

-- Steve Goodier

Six Traits of Healthy Families

It takes some adjusting to live in a family, and some people have difficulty making it work. Maybe that's why comedian George Burns used to say, "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." Sometimes that's true. But it's also true that more happiness can be found when we learn how to make our family life better, whether we live in a family or just visit relatives from time to time.

Family consultant Dolores Curran, in her book Traits of a Healthy Family (1984), drew on responses of more than 500 professionals who work with families of all kinds and shapes. A number of core values and behaviors surfaced in families these professionals generally consider to be healthy. Here are a few of those top qualities. How many do you find in your family?

• Families considered healthy practice good communication and listening. In fact, they work on this.
• In these families, members experience plenty of affirmation and support. A migrant worker who often spends weeks away from home puts it like this: "Home is a place to go back to if things get rough out there." It is where you are valued, affirmed and loved.
• When they are together, healthy families try to have a good time. Author Charlie Shedd says, "Whenever parents ask me, 'How can I keep my children off drugs?' I say, 'Have fun.'" Evidently, the family that plays together, stays together.
• These families share the work, too. There is a sense of shared responsibility. Everyone helps out; everyone pitches in.
• There is a high level of trust in healthier families. The fastest way to drive a wedge between family members is to violate that trust.
• Finally, these families usually share a common religious core and move toward similar spiritual goals.

No family is perfect -- far from it! But families that work on these six traits will soon find themselves happier and healthier.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: freeimage.com/Samantha Villagran