The Gift of Touch

Are you meeting a friend for lunch? In a famed study, a researcher observed how many times friends touched each other while sitting at a cafe. He collected data around the world. In Mexico City, couples touched each other 185 times. In Paris, 115 times. In London, not at all. In Gainesville, Florida, twice.

There are obvious cultural differences in communication styles, but studies agree that touching is important to human development. Therapist Ranjan Patel observed the touching behavior of couples who came to him for counseling. He noted that touch “is the stuff that builds intimate trust and loudly declares, ‘I care about you, you’re important to me, I want to give to you, I want to be close to you.’ Touch says, ‘I’m willing to risk being vulnerable.’” 

And psychologist Wayne Dennis observed a group of babies in an orphanage where they were given practically no stimulation, including touch. Most laid on their backs all day in bare cribs placed in bare rooms. They were touched only when their diapers were changed. At the end of one year, the children’s development was about that of a six-month-old. 

Human touch is vital. Without it, we wither. With it, we thrive. And it is good preventive medicine. It is simpler to hold a hand than to hold a medical consultation. A hanging head needs a shoulder under it. A back rub can be the easiest way to get a “monkey off someone’s back.” And the best way to help somebody to keep their chin up is by lifting it with a gentle hand.

One of the best gifts you can give another may be an encouraging touch. And what’s more, it will likely be returned.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/lrutherford03

Angels with Broken Wings

I know a woman who gave each person in her family a golden angel lapel pin one Christmas. “Wear it on your collar or shoulder,” she said, “to remind you that your guardian angel is always looking over your shoulder.”

Her brother noticed his pin had a broken wing. He held up the damaged angel and quipped: “It figures. My guardian angel is missing a wing. How can she watch out for me? She can’t even take care of herself!”

But I think the value of his pin wasn’t that it was a symbol of a guardian angel, but that the angel’s wing was broken. For at that time, he had been diagnosed with cancer. In some ways, he, himself, was like an angel with a damaged wing. He was wounded and diseased. He felt broken.

I wonder if we all don’t feel that way a little, even if we have never been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. At times, we all hurt. We experience losses. Sometimes loneliness feels disabling. Like that angel, we are each broken in some way, even if our damage is interior and invisible to others.

But there is a secret that angels with broken wings know: they realize they are still able to fly...by embracing each other. And broken humans, too, do best when hanging on to one another. They can go through unimaginably difficult times when they go it together. 

Two years after that Christmas, the man left this life behind while his family grieved. They felt most acutely that singular pain of loss and loneliness reserved for mourning loved ones. Remembering his angel with the damaged wing, they decided they would travel their path of grief by embracing each other, physically as much as emotionally. Perhaps by hanging on to one another, they reasoned, they could allow their own broken wings, and broken hearts, to heal. 

I watched them at the funeral - and afterward - embracing. And holding on. I knew then that somehow they would be all right and that someday each would fly again.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Juliett Foxtrott

Touching Moments

I read that an insurance company survey revealed that spouses who habitually kiss their mates in the morning are projected to live longer than those who don’t. It also indicated that these people may have fewer auto accidents and lose less time at work due to illness. I won’t begin to interpret what all this means, except that it seems that people in intimate relationships seem to be happier and healthier.

But what about that “touching moment” – that kiss or a tender hug? If intimacy is vital, is the simple act of touching another person also important?

I once was asked to give some emotional support to a prisoner who was awaiting trial. I found him in the county jail and he and I visited for a while in a prison conference room. He didn't know me and seemed afraid to let down his defenses. So we talked about nothing more important than how long he may be incarcerated and whether or not he was guilty of the crimes with which he was charged. He shared nothing of his fears at this dark time in his life. I felt as if we had not “connected” in any meaningful way and, after an appropriate length of time, I stood to leave.

On impulse, before I turned away from him I reached for his hands. He grasped mine tightly and dropped his head. Neither of us spoke – we just stood facing each other clasping hands. After a moment, he began to cry. As he sobbed, he continued to hold tightly to my hands. Somehow the connection, the human touch, melted a dam of ice and allowed his emotions to gush forth.

When his sobbing subsided, he wanted to talk. Only this time he spoke of his fear and loneliness and he told me of his concern for his family while he was imprisoned. All the while, he held onto my hands like a drowning man clinging to a life saver. I believe that because of the touch, an act of basic human contact, he felt safe enough to share deeply.

There is power in a caring touch. I knew a woman who went to a massage therapist once a week, even when she felt fine, just because she needed that dose of physical contact. The lack of touch can be one of our greatest impediments to emotional intimacy and happiness.

When film star Marilyn Monroe was asked if she ever felt loved by any of the foster families with whom she lived, she replied, “Once, when I was about seven or eight. The woman I was living with was putting on makeup, and I was watching her. She was in a happy mood, so she reached over and patted my cheeks with her rouge puff... For that moment, I felt loved by her.”

Maybe you are in need of more closeness. And perhaps you know of those who are hungry for some assurance that they are loved by someone and not all alone in this world. Your touch may accomplish what your words can't. And those touching moments can change a life.

– Steve Goodier

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Those You Touch . . . You Change

Did you know that your money likely has traces of cocaine on it?

A study by Jack Demirgian of the Argonne National Laboratory revealed that a full 78% of the currency circulating in Miami and other major US cities carries trace amounts of cocaine. That’s probably true elsewhere, too.

They were only looking for cocaine, but I wonder what else might be found on the bills? Maybe fast-food products, such as frying grease, mustard or teriyaki sauce? Tea or coffee? And how about rouge or lipstick from purses and lint from pockets? Perhaps ink from a leaky pen? I’ve found more indistinguishable stains on some of my money than I care to think about.

What's more, we’re told that if they look closely enough, they can even learn something about where your money has been. To the store. To the beach. Even hidden beneath a mattress.

Just about anything that comes into contact with money leaves a bit of itself behind. Then, when the bills rub up against each other in a wallet or billfold, they share contaminates. Everything the bills touch will be changed, however slightly.

So it is with us. Everything we touch is changed. I used to play English hand bells. “Don’t touch the bells with your bare hands,” we were told. “Wear gloves.” The oils from our hands changed the quality of the bells.

Everything we touch is changed. And everybody we touch is changed -- even if we're not infected with something contagious. I’m not only talking about physical touch, either. Often we touch their minds and spirits and hearts. Everybody we speak to, rub shoulders with or even smile at...is changed in some minute way. These changes can be helpful or hurtful, depending on our interaction. It is like leaving a piece of ourselves behind with everyone we meet, and taking a piece of them with us.

And even little changes can make a difference. NO ONE is insignificant in this regard.

Bette Reeves said, "If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito." You don’t need to be a mosquito to have an effect on people around you. The question is: what little part of yourself will you leave behind? How will you influence them? Will your encounter be thoughtful or hurried? Helpful or harmful? Intentional or accidental?

There is something awe-inspiring about the influence we have on one another. Whom will you touch today? What will you leave behind, and what will you take with you?

-- Steve Goodier