The Gift of Touch

Are you meeting a friend for lunch? In a famed study, a researcher observed how many times friends touched each other while sitting at a cafe. He collected data around the world. In Mexico City, couples touched each other 185 times. In Paris, 115 times. In London, not at all. In Gainesville, Florida, twice.

There are obvious cultural differences in communication styles, but studies agree that touching is important to human development. Therapist Ranjan Patel observed the touching behavior of couples who came to him for counseling. He noted that touch “is the stuff that builds intimate trust and loudly declares, ‘I care about you, you’re important to me, I want to give to you, I want to be close to you.’ Touch says, ‘I’m willing to risk being vulnerable.’” 

And psychologist Wayne Dennis observed a group of babies in an orphanage where they were given practically no stimulation, including touch. Most laid on their backs all day in bare cribs placed in bare rooms. They were touched only when their diapers were changed. At the end of one year, the children’s development was about that of a six-month-old. 

Human touch is vital. Without it, we wither. With it, we thrive. And it is good preventive medicine. It is simpler to hold a hand than to hold a medical consultation. A hanging head needs a shoulder under it. A back rub can be the easiest way to get a “monkey off someone’s back.” And the best way to help somebody to keep their chin up is by lifting it with a gentle hand.

One of the best gifts you can give another may be an encouraging touch. And what’s more, it will likely be returned.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/lrutherford03

Tell Them You Love Them

A group of four to eight-year-olds talked about love. Author Ladan Lashkari (DailyGood.org) writes that this is what some of them had to say.

 

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

 

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

 

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

 

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

 

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget," Jessica - age 8

Jessica is right. We do need to say it a lot. Because people forget.

Abraham Lincoln knew the truth of that. He once summoned to the White House a surgeon in the Army of the Cumberland from the state of Ohio. The major assumed that he was to be commended for some exceptional work.

During the conversation Mr. Lincoln asked the officer about his widowed mother. “She is doing fine,” he responded. 

“How do you know?” asked Lincoln. “You haven't written her. But she has written me. She thinks that you are dead and she is asking that a special effort be made to return your body.” At that the Commander and Chief placed a pen in the young doctor's hand and ordered him to write a letter letting his mother know that he was alive and well.

You see, it’s about love. Like anthropologist Margaret Mead says, “One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.” 

It’s a need that goes unmet too much of the time.

I wonder, who needs to hear from me today?

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Theresa Martell

Web of Love

Listen to how a simple ball of yarn became a web of love for one classroom of high school students.

Their teacher seated the students in a circle on the carpeted floor. One member of the group was instructed to toss a ball of yarn to someone across the circle, holding tightly to one end. The recipient took hold of the string and listened as the one who tossed it shared something that she especially liked about him. Keeping hold of the string, he then tossed the ball across the circle to someone else and affirmed something positive about her. The ball of yarn was tossed across and around the circle until everyone had both heard and shared encouragement...and thus the yarn became a woven web of love and good feelings....

Before they went their separate ways, the teacher took scissors and snipped through the web. Each person took a piece of yarn away as a remembrance of the special words they heard. Surprisingly, many of them wore cherished pieces of yarn around their wrists for days and weeks afterward.

Every year now, students ask their teacher to end the term with the Web of Love. It has become an annual tradition in their high school. Which goes to show how much encouragement means to most people.

Why wait? We can find opportunities to affirm others throughout the day. Few people grow weary of hearing sincere appreciation and praise. And each time you give it you help to create an invisible web of love that can last a lifetime.

--  Steve Goodier

Love Letter To A Cat

A love letter to a cat? Why not? At least Andrew thought it might work. This is an actual love letter written by a boy to his cat.

But before you read the letter, you must understand this about the cat. She is about as affectionate as a cactus. And besides, she goes to great lengths to avoid Andrew. She would rather sleep the day away in one of her many hiding places scattered throughout the boy’s house than be near him. And on one of those rare occasions when she makes an appearance, he can forget about touching her. If he never has anything to do with her, that is all right by the cat.

The boy tries his best to be nice. He looks for her, searching the house for an occupied hiding place, and feels abundantly grateful if he should stumble upon his treasure. He is occasionally allowed to stroke her once or twice before she flits off. He even feeds her, hoping to eventually win her confidence and perhaps even a bit of affection. But he is seldom rewarded with anything like attention.

Now that you know something about the cat, whose name is Mehitabel, by the way, what about the love letter? It was found next to the cat’s food dish. This is what it said: 

“To cat (he couldn’t spell Mehitabel): I love you. Before you love me I will love you more. Love, Andrew. Meow!”

I admire his love for a cat that will not return it. I love you. Before you love me I will love you more. That is the kind of patient love of, perhaps, a parent for a child. 

Or anyone persistently waiting for love to be returned. It’s single-minded. Persevering.

And I think there’s something spiritual about an unrequited love. It’s a little like the dogged love of God for people everywhere. 

There is also something beautifully excessive about a love that says before you love me I will love you more. And to be a little excessive in love is probably okay.

Thank you for teaching us, Andrew.

-- Steve Goodier

Potatoes Spoil, People Don’t Spoil

 

Flickr Creative Commons

I knew a woman who worked with children all her life. She was especially good with children we would call “at risk” -- children who acted out, children from rough backgrounds, children who built impenetrable walls to keep others out. In time, she always found a way into their hearts. Children acted differently around her than around others, even their parents. I often remarked on it and she would sometimes say, “Children need a lot of love. You can’t spoil a child with too much love. Potatoes spoil, children don’t spoil.”

Don’t get me wrong. She had boundaries, and when children misbehaved, there were consequences. But the consequences were fair. And the kids she worked with eventually learned that they could depend on her constant love and concern for them through it all. At the end of the day, no matter what kind of day it was, she would be there with arms open.

Can you love someone too much? Perhaps you can show the wrong kind of love, but I’m sure you can’t show too much.

One of my favorite stories tells of a woman who finally decided to ask her boss for a raise in salary. All day she felt nervous and apprehensive. Late in the afternoon she summoned the courage to approach her employer. To her delight, the boss agreed to a raise.

The woman arrived home that evening to a beautiful table set with their best dishes. Candles were softly glowing. Her husband had come home early and prepared a festive meal. She wondered if someone from the office had tipped him off. Or did he just somehow know that she would not get turned down?

She found him in the kitchen and told him the good news. They embraced and kissed, then sat down to the wonderful meal. Next to her plate the woman found a beautifully lettered note. It read: "Congratulations, darling! I knew you'd get the raise! These things will tell you how much I love you."

The supper was perfect. Afterward, her husband went into the kitchen to clean up, and as he left the room she noticed a second card that had fallen from his pocket. Picking it off the floor, she read: "Don't worry about not getting the raise. You deserve it anyway! These things will tell you how much I love you."

Someone has said that the measure of love is when you love without measure. What this man tried to convey to his spouse was total acceptance and love. Whether she succeeded or failed, whether she won or lost, he loved her regardless. Love without measure. Sometimes his love might celebrate her victories and other times it was there to soothe and comfort.

Upon receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, Mother Teresa said: "What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

Yes, love your family, and also love your friends. For some friends are truly family. Love the people in your life. Love them without measure. And don’t worry about spoilage. Potatoes spoil, people don’t spoil.

-- Steve Goodier

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Un-Thanked People

 

Image courtesy of Stephanie Hofschlaeger

When William Stidger taught at Boston University, he once reflected upon the great number of un-thanked people in his life. Those who had helped nurture him, inspire him or who cared enough about him to leave a lasting impression.

One was a schoolteacher he'd not heard of in many years. But he remembered that she had gone out of her way to put a love of verse in him, and Will had loved poetry all his life. He wrote a letter of thanks to her.

The reply he received, written in the feeble scrawl of the aged, began, "My dear Willie." He was delighted. Now over 50, bald and a professor, he didn't think there was a person left in the world who would call him "Willie." Here is that letter:

"My dear Willie,
I cannot tell you how much your note meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue-cold morning and it cheered me as nothing has in many years."

Not prone to cry easily, Bill wept over that note. She was one of the great un-thanked people from Bill's past. You know them. We all do. The teacher who made a difference. That coach we'll never forget. The music instructor or Sunday school worker who helped us to believe in ourselves. That scout leader who cared.

We all remember people who shaped our lives in various ways. People whose influence changed us. Bill Stidger found a way to show his appreciation – he wrote them letters.

Who are some of the un-thanked people from your past? It may not be too late to say, "Thanks."

-- Steve Goodier

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No Strings Attached

Image by Adrian

How important is it to offer our love, especially to those closest to us, with no strings attached? 

Ernest Hemingway wrote a poignant short story called “The Capital of the World.” In it he tells about a Spanish father who wants to reconcile with his son who has run away to Madrid. In order to locate the boy he takes out this ad in the El Liberal newspaper: "Paco, meet me at the Hotel Montana at noon on Tuesday. All is forgiven. Love, Papa."

Paco is a common name in Spain, and when the father goes to the square he finds 800 young men named Paco waiting for their fathers.

What drew them to the hotel? As Hemingway tells it, it was the words “All is forgiven.” I notice that the father did not say, “All WILL BE forgiven IF you do this or that.” Not, “All WILL BE forgiven WHEN you do such and such.” He simply says, “All is forgiven.” No strings attached.

And that’s the hard part – un-attaching the strings. Wiktionary tells us that the origin of the expression “no strings attached” may go back to ancient times when documents were written on parchment that were rolled up and secured with a string. The Babylonian Talmud in Tractate Bava Metzi'a tells of a man who gives his wife a bill of divorce on such a parchment, but holds onto the string so that he can snatch it back, should he choose to do so. The divorce, therefore, is not considered valid since he will not give it freely. Similarly, love, forgiveness or friendship that is given with strings and conditions attached are a sham and not valid, since they can be snatched back at any time.

An unknown author beautifully portrays the possibilities of no-strings-attached love in this heartfelt story titled “The Rock.”

As she grew older her teenage daughter became increasingly rebellious. It culminated late one night when the police arrested her daughter for drunk driving. Mom had to go to the police station to pick her up.

They didn’t speak until the next afternoon.

Mom broke the tension by giving her a small gift- wrapped box. Her daughter nonchalantly opened it and found a little rock inside. 

She rolled her eyes and said, “Cute, Mom, what’s this for?”
“Read the card,” Mom instructed.

Her daughter took the card out of the envelope and read it. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks. She got up and lovingly hugged her mom as the card fell to the floor.

On the card were these words: “This rock is more than 200,000,000 years old. That is how long it will take before I give up on you.”

This mother is not saying, “I will love you IF…” Instead she says that she will love her daughter forever and nothing can change that. No strings attached.

When we learn to love like that, I think we’ll understand the words of Emmett Fox, who said, “If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world.”

-- Steve Goodier

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One of the Best Things I Can Do with My Lips

I am told that the muscles of the face are capable of over 250,000 different combinations of expressions. And one of the most useful is a smile. And though I’m a fan of kissing, I appreciate that smiling is still one of the best things I can do with my lips.

Sometimes I hear or read something that is so true I know I will never forget it. One of those gems is an observation from Fulton J. Sheen, who said, “A smile across the aisle of a bus in the morning could save a suicide later in the day.” Over the years, I’ve come to realize the magnitude and truth in that statement. People NEED the healing medicine of the heart that just a smile, even from strangers, provides. In fact, we all need it. And for some folks, that medicine can save a life.

One psychiatrist puts it like this. Dr. Thomas Malone, of Atlanta, Georgia, says, “In my practice at the Atlanta Psychiatric Clinic, people sometimes ask me what psychiatry is all about. To me, the answer is increasingly clear. Almost every emotional problem can be summed up in one particular bit of behavior -- it's a person walking around screaming, ‘For God's sake, love me!’ Love me, that’s all. He goes through a million different manipulations to get somebody to love him.” (Thanks to Dr. James Moore for the quote.)

I think he says something I need to hear. He is saying that at the core of our being is a need for someone to care. And if that itch is not scratched, we go to great lengths to satisfy it.

But I’ve noticed something else, too. It appears to me that some of the healthiest people around seem to spend less time trying to scratch an itch to be loved, and more time looking for people to reach out to. These are the ones who are most likely to smile across the aisle of a bus. They understand that everyone is fighting some kind of battle, even if they hide it well. And if they were to express their personal life mission, it might include something like, “I try to always love the people I encounter along life’s path.”

They never say they can't make a difference. They never say they have nothing to contribute. They always know that, even if they have nothing else, they can always give a smile, spontaneously and sincerely. A smile may not seem like much, but it can be a warm blanket on a cold night. And for a while, anyway, if can soothe the itch to be loved.

My smile may not save a life, but it might save a day. And if not, it’s still one of the best things I can do with my lips.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Thomas Hawk

When You Say, "I Love You"

Just as the delivery van pulled away from the florist, the manager came running out. There was a cancellation on one of the orders, and he needed it back.

"Which one?" asked the driver.

"The one that reads 'Darling, I will love you forever.'"

They wanted it back? What happened to I'll love you forever?

When we “fall in love,” who doesn’t feel that it will last forever? But we change. And as we do, our love changes, too.

Do you remember the touching interchange between Tevye and Golde in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof”?

“Do you love me?” Tevye asked his wife.

“Do I what?” Golde responded.

“Do you love me?”

“Do I love you? With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town, you are upset, you are worn out, go inside, go lie down, maybe its indigestion.”

“Golde, I’m asking you a question. Do you love me?”

“You’re a fool.”

“I know, but do you love me?”

“For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After twenty-five years, why speak of love right now? I’m your wife,” she said.

“But do you love me?”

Now Golde becomes reflective. “For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is?”

“Then you love me?”

“I suppose I do.”

“It’s nice to know.”

And it IS nice to know, for twenty five years is a long time. Time enough for things to change. Time enough to quit.

My wife and I were married when we were young. And I have to say, I don’t love her like I used to. I’ve changed, and so has she. Enough years will do that. We’ve been through ups and downs. We grew older. And I my feelings for her grew older, too.

The relationship feels more secure now. I think it is a better love than years ago – more enduring. More solid. Like the two of us, our love grew up.

And maybe she could live the rest of her life without saying, “I love you.” I know how she feels. But she says it anyway.

And it’s nice to know.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Sh4rp_i

Great Happiness

I once read about a British publication that offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Many were suggested. These are a few of them:

"A friend is one who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable."
"A friend is one who understands our silence."
"A friend is a volume of sympathy bound in cloth."
"A friend is a watch that beats true for all time and never runs down."

And here is the winning definition: "A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out."

I'd like to be that kind of friend -- coming in when the whole world has gone out.

Not long ago I answered a telephone call from an old friend I'd not heard from for a long time.

"Hi, Steve," he said. "I just wanted to see how you're getting along."

For whatever reason, our paths had simply not crossed for months. It was good to talk with him. I wondered why we hadn't kept in touch better.

Toward the end of the conversation, he said, "If you need me in any way, I'll be happy to help out." And he meant it!

That call came at just the right time, as they so often do. I needed those words of encouragement. I hung up the phone feeling a satisfying lump of warmth in my chest.

And that day I re-learned something important about life: life is primarily about people -- not plans and schedules, not to-do lists and a million tasks left undone -- it's about people.

To love and to know that we are loved is the greatest happiness of existence. And happiness seems to be something that is in short supply for too many of us! My friend reminded me that it is never enough just to love; we must also express it. What good are our affectionate feelings toward others if we don't find ways to let them know?

George William Childs put it like this: "Do not keep the alabaster box of your love and friendship sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier. The kind things you mean to say when they are gone, say before they go."

Happiness ... may be just a phone call away.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr/Mario Mancuso