How would you answer these questions?

• Are you tired of negativity?
• Do you want your life to make a difference?
• Do you want to be happy? Truly happy?
• Are you surrounding yourself with enough hope, humor and encouragement?
• Do you want to feel better about who you are and where your life is headed?

Check out the Life Support System blog if these questions sound interesting to you.

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Enjoy.

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Hurry Up And Be Patient

You’ve heard it said, “Hurry up and wait!” But learning to wait calmly is an important part of living. In this age of high-speed connections and instantaneous results, it helps to remember that the Mayflower made its historic voyage across the Atlantic Ocean at about two miles per hour. How did those early settlers occupy their time as they were waiting to arrive?

I love the story of a passenger on Britain’s Imperial Airways, a company that pioneered air travel between England and Australia in the mid-1930s. “If you have time to spare, go by air,” was the popular expression of the day. Airliners were both slow and incapable of flying long distances.

One of the very first flights took off from Croydon Airport near London and flew to northern France where it was delayed extensively due to bad weather. When it arrived in the south of France, one of the motors had failed and it was necessary to wait for another engine to be shipped by sea from England. There were further lengthy delays along the route in Rome, Cairo, the Middle East, etc., until finally the flight had progressed as far as Singapore.

At this point a lady passenger asked the manager in Singapore if he thought the flight would arrive in Australia in the next few weeks because she was expecting a baby shortly.

“My dear lady,” he replied, “you should never have commenced your trip in that condition.”

She replied, “I didn’t.”

We all know about unexpected delays. According to a Timex survey, human beings spend approximately six months of their lives waiting in line for things and about 43 days on telephone hold. Not to mention waiting in doctor’s offices, airport security lines and heavy traffic. Those who take the bus will wait about 27 days of their lives waiting around on the platform or at the bus stop. The list goes on.

Next time you miss a flight, get stuck in traffic or find yourself waiting on hold for customer service, it can be a good time to hurry up and be patient. The sooner you’re patient, the easier your life will become. When you’re patient you can relax and enjoy the ride.

There is great benefit in learning to wait calmly and creatively. Here is a checklist to test your waiting skills:

• Do you expect delays, or do they catch you unawares? Do you anticipate those times when you are likely to have to wait?
• Do you calmly let your inner motor idle though others around you may be stripping their gears? Do you practice calmness and inner peace?
• Do you welcome unexpected delays as a gift of time, which can be used creatively? 
• Do you prepare for delays? Do you have work or entertainment handy when forced to wait? Or do you use the free time to plan ahead or quietly meditate (to get in touch with your soul)?

How did you do with the exercise? Are you making the most of your waiting time? 

Author Joyce Meyer has the right of it when she says, “Patience is not simply the ability to wait - it's how we behave while we're waiting.”

Behave as if you might enjoy it and, well, you might.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Amanda AmiGdalo

Decision Is Destiny

“Mommy, what happens when a car gets too old and banged up to run?” a little girl asked.

“Well,” her mother said, “someone sells it to your father.”

I think I have bought a couple of cars like that. Like most people, my life is punctuated by decisions that did not turn out the way I’d hoped. But we cannot always be expected to make the best decisions. Sometimes we simply don’t have enough information. And other times, there just isn’t a good decision anywhere to be found and we go with the lesser of several evils, hoping that we know a lesser evil when we see one. All we can really do is make decisions the best way we know how and act on them. 

But making better decisions is important. Things change when decisions change.

Before his rise to political fame, Maryland Congressman Kweisi Mfume walked a path of self-destruction. He dropped out of high school. A few years later, he robbed a pedestrian in order to join a street gang. Mfume spent the following years drinking and trouble-making with the gang.

A turning point came one summer night when he abruptly decided he could no longer continue on his present course. He decided to earn his high school equivalency certificate and later graduated magna cum laude from Morgan State University in Baltimore. He then went on to earn a graduate degree at Johns Hopkins University.

When Mfume ran for Congress in 1986, his opponents tried to use his old mistakes against him. But his achievements since he left a troubled past behind captivated an electorate who voted him into office by an overwhelming 87 percent. He was on a collision course with total failure until he made an important decision.

That decision included getting an education and trying to improve the world rather than taking from it. And it was also a decision to make better decisions. He eventually became a representative to the US House of Representatives (twice), he headed up the National Associate of the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and served as the CEO of the National Medical Association. 

What changes a life is not simply learning more, though education is important. What changes a life is making decisions − the best decisions you can make − and acting on them. It’s been accurately said: “Your decisions determine your direction, and your direction determines your destiny.” Or put another way, “The decisions you make… make you.”

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/John Mathew Smith

Not-So-Grim Reaper

Cyrus McCormick, who invented the reaper and founded the company that became International Harvester, was a generous contributor to Chicago’s Presbyterian Theological School. Because of that fact, the school later changed its name to McCormick Theological Seminary. Faculty and students have quipped that death is never referred to as “The Grim Reaper” at McCormick, but always as “The International Harvester.”

“Grim” is not a word which describes the experience of many people who find themselves nearing life’s end. Like Dr. Abraham Maslow commented after a heart attack which made him realize that his own death was not far away: “Death, and its ever-present possibility makes love, passionate love, more possible.  I wonder if we could love passionately, if ecstasy would be possible at all, if we knew we’d never die.”

Likewise, psychiatrist Irvin Yalom, who worked with terminally ill cancer patients, reported that “grimness” was far from their attitudes about passing on. Yalom tells us that once his patients accepted the fact that their lives were rapidly drawing to an end, positive and exciting changes occurred. He reports that they felt a sense of freedom to do what they wanted to do. Furthermore, they lived in the present and enjoyed it more. They found themselves appreciating the world around them in ways they never had before. They communicated more deeply with loved ones and actually looked forward to holidays in joyous anticipation.

Because these people knew they were dying, they figured out how to live. Nothing grim here. They came alive in ways never before possible. Like one dying woman said to me, “Life sparkles.”

Oh, maybe you don’t want to volunteer to hop on that bus today, but we’ll each set off on the journey soon enough. And from what I can tell, it promises to be an exciting adventure. But in the meantime, what if you set out to start living now as if your short days here were truly numbered? When “The International Harvester” knocks on your door, may it be opened by somebody who didn’t wait until it was time to die to learn how to live.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/lrutherford03

The Gift of Touch

Are you meeting a friend for lunch? In a famed study, a researcher observed how many times friends touched each other while sitting at a cafe. He collected data around the world. In Mexico City, couples touched each other 185 times. In Paris, 115 times. In London, not at all. In Gainesville, Florida, twice.

There are obvious cultural differences in communication styles, but studies agree that touching is important to human development. Therapist Ranjan Patel observed the touching behavior of couples who came to him for counseling. He noted that touch “is the stuff that builds intimate trust and loudly declares, ‘I care about you, you’re important to me, I want to give to you, I want to be close to you.’ Touch says, ‘I’m willing to risk being vulnerable.’” 

And psychologist Wayne Dennis observed a group of babies in an orphanage where they were given practically no stimulation, including touch. Most laid on their backs all day in bare cribs placed in bare rooms. They were touched only when their diapers were changed. At the end of one year, the children’s development was about that of a six-month-old. 

Human touch is vital. Without it, we wither. With it, we thrive. And it is good preventive medicine. It is simpler to hold a hand than to hold a medical consultation. A hanging head needs a shoulder under it. A back rub can be the easiest way to get a “monkey off someone’s back.” And the best way to help somebody to keep their chin up is by lifting it with a gentle hand.

One of the best gifts you can give another may be an encouraging touch. And what’s more, it will likely be returned.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/lrutherford03

Thermometer or Thermostat - Which Will You Be?

Do you know the difference between a thermometer and a thermostat? 

A thermometer measures the temperature. It doesn’t do anything about it. A thermostat measures the temperature and then responds. If the temperature is too high, a thermostat may shut off the heat. If the temperature is too low, a thermostat may trigger heat to turn on. It measures temperature and it does something about it. While a thermometer is passive, a thermostat is active. 

Sometimes I am more like a thermometer. It's good for me to know which problems I should respond to and which ones I should step back from. It’s good to know my boundaries; some problems are mine and some belong to others. 

At times, thermometers are just what we need. They size up a situation but don’t try to fix it.

On the other hand, if a circumstance requires me to respond, avoiding it because it is difficult or because I don’t like conflict may only make it worse. Sometimes I need to be a thermostat, not a thermometer. There is a time for action. A time to own the problem and do something about it. 

There’s wisdom in knowing when a thermometer is called for (time to stand down), and when a thermostat is needed (time to step up). 

Some questions worth considering are these:

If I don’t respond to this problem, is it because I don’t like conflict? Because I’d rather not be involved? Or do I intentionally not respond because my jumping in may be the wrong thing to do?

If I do respond to this situation, is it because the problem is truly mine and nothing will change until I act? Or is it because it’s just easier to do it myself instead of allowing others to struggle?

Thermometers and thermostats. Today – which will you be?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/creative commons

Just Seeing What Life Brings

You’ve heard it said that what you see is what you get. But what I’ve discovered is that it’s not what you see, but what you think you see, that determines what you get.

In the “Journal of the American Medical Association,” Dr. Paul Ruskin demonstrated how our perception of reality (not actually what is going on, but how we perceive it) determines how we feel about it. While teaching a class on the psychological aspects of aging, he read the following case to his students:

The patient neither speaks nor comprehends the spoken word. Sometimes she babbles incoherently for hours on end. She is disoriented about person, place, and time. She does, however, respond to her name. I have worked with her for the past six months, but she still shows complete disregard for her physical appearance and makes no effort to assist her own care. She must be fed, bathed, and clothed by others. Because she has no teeth, her food must be pureed. Her shirt is usually soiled from almost incessant drooling. She does not walk. Her sleep pattern is erratic. Often she wakes in the middle of the night, and her screaming awakens others. Most of the time she is friendly and happy, but several times a day she gets quite agitated without apparent cause. Then she wails until someone comes to comfort her.

After presenting the case, Dr. Ruskin asked his students how they would like caring for this person. Most of them said they would not like it at all. He then said that he believed he would especially enjoy it and thought that they might, also. He passed a picture of the patient around for his puzzled students to see. It was his six-month-old daughter.

Most of the students thought that what they saw, in Ruskin’s description, was the task of caring for a difficult elderly woman with severe dementia and loss of bodily control with little or no self awareness. But when shown the picture, they realized that what they thought they saw and what they now clearly saw were quite different realities.

I have numerous tasks ahead today. How will I see them? Am I already seeing something I think I’ll dread without giving it a chance? Am I seeing something as negative when it could turn out to be rewarding or even a great opportunity for some growth? And what if I chose not to expect the worst and just see what life brings me?

I feel better about my day already.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Jason Hoang

Are You Waiting for Peace?

Are you waiting for “things to calm down” a bit before you can be at peace? Inner peace eludes many people who expect to discover it after things calm down, slow down or finally run down. But some wisdom from antiquity, attributed to French philosopher Montaigne, tells a different story about inner peace.

He tells that when the Greek King Pyrrhus prepared for his expedition into Italy, his wise counselor Cyness drew him aside and implored him to reconsider his aggressive activity. “Sir,” he asked the king, “to what end do you make all this mighty preparation?”

“To make myself master of Italy,” replied King Pyrrhus.

“And what after that is done?” asked his counselor.

“I will pass into Gaul and Spain.” 

“And what then?”

“I will then go to subdue Africa; and lastly, when I have brought the whole world to my subjection, I will sit down and rest content at my own ease.”

“For God’s sake, sir,” replied Cyness. “Tell me what hinders that you may not, if you please, be now in the condition you speak of? Why do you not now, at this instant, settle yourself in the state you seem to aim at and spare all the labor and hazard you interpose?”

Gratefully, we are learning different attitudes today about war and peace. But can Cyness’ advice apply to our hectic and conflicted lives?

What keeps you from the inner peace and contentment you crave now? Must life’s battles be fought and won before you can be satisfied? 

Television personality Dave Garroway spoke about finding peace. He said, “I happen to be one of those people who can afford anything he wants, but I find what I really want, I can't buy at all. I want peace of mind, peace of soul; the kind of peace you have when you don't really want anything."

Peace seems to come less from getting what we want than simply from wanting less.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Brian Auer

Try Something Different

Writer Douglas Adams said, "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." I sometimes wonder about my own disinclination to learn from experience. If you’re like me, you may repeat an unpleasant experience a few times before figuring out that something needs to change.

Maybe you can relate to a couple of men who were avid moose hunters. Every year they chartered a plane to take them to the Canadian backcountry. This year hunting was especially good and in a few days they each bagged a moose. They radioed for their pilot to come pick them up.

When the plane arrived, the pilot took one look at the animals and told the hunters they could not take such a heavy load along. 

“But we spent all week hunting,” they protested. “And besides, the pilot we hired last year wasn’t worried about the moose’s weight.”

After much argument, the pilot finally relented and allowed them to load the animals. The heavy plane was only airborne for a few minutes when it lost altitude and crashed into the side of a mountain. As the men struggled out of the wreckage, one hunter asked, “Where are we?” 

His friend answered, “About a mile farther than we got last year.” 

You’ve heard it said: Keep doing the same thing and you will keep getting the same results. Or repeating the same experiences.

What is not working well for you? A habit you are trying to break? A relationship with a parent or spouse or child or friend? 

What is a source of on-going frustration? Getting around to that project you keep promising to complete? Running up against the same old walls at work? 

And the big question: What needs to change?

If you don’t like the way things are turning out, what are you willing to try differently? And what if you tried it today?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: clip-library.com

I’ll Never Complain Again

I once read about a man who, back in the mid-1970s, was driving in a downpour and stopped for fuel. This was in the days of “full-service” gas stations. He sat inside his dry car while an attendant, who whistled cheerfully while he worked, filled up his tank in that awful rain.

As the customer was leaving, he said apologetically, “I’m sorry to get you out in this weather.”

The attendant replied, “It doesn’t bother me a bit. When I was fighting in Vietnam, I made up my mind in a foxhole one day that if I ever got out of this place alive, I would be so grateful I’d never complain about anything again. And I haven’t.”

One person likes to say, “Happiness consists of living each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your vacation.” And Ralph Waldo Emerson puts it this way: “An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to which they have the propensity to look for the good in every situation."

However you say it, choosing our attitudes is part of building a whole and happy life.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Kevin Spencer

Do You Know Who You Are?

Comedian Woody Allen quipped, “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.” 

An old story tells of an unhappy and discontented stonecutter. One day he came upon a merchant and was awe-struck by all of the marvelous goods the man had for sale. “I wish I were a merchant,” said the stonecutter and, quite amazingly, his wish was granted.

Not long afterward he saw a parade pass his little shop. Spying a prince dressed in splendor such as he had never before seen, he said, “I wish I were a prince.” And he became one.

But it wasn’t too many days later that he stepped outside and felt the discomfort of the hot summer sun beating down upon his head. “Even a prince cannot stay cool in the sun,” he said. “I wish I were the sun.” This wish, too, was granted.

He was happy being the sun until, one day, a cloud came between him and the earth. “That cloud overshadows me,” he said. “I wish I were a cloud.”

Again, his wish was granted and he was happy until he came to a mountain that he could not rise above. “This mountain is greater than I,” he said. “I wish I were a mountain.”

As a tall and mighty mountain he looked down upon the affairs of humans and felt that he was finally happy. But one day a stonecutter climbed up his side and chipped away at rock and there was nothing he could do about it. “That little man is more powerful than I,” the mountain said. “I wish I were a stonecutter.”

So the circle was completed and now the stonecutter knew that he would always be happy just being himself. He would never dress like a prince, shine like the sun nor rise as tall as a mountain, but he was happy to be who he was.

I think Malcolm Forbes hits close to the mark when he says, “Too many people overvalue what they’re not and undervalue what they are.” If only we could see who we really are, not through a lens that accentuates imperfections, but one that reveals those qualities we have difficulty seeing.

Is there any greater happiness than knowing who we really are?

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/JR P

Worry – The Real Enemy

What does it mean to worry? The Latin concept of worry describes a turbulent force within a person. Worry is a heart and mind in turmoil.

The ancient Greeks thought of worry as something that tears a person in two and drags that person in opposite directions. It is like opposing forces in deadly conflict within the very being of the individual.

The word “worry” itself comes from an old Anglo-Saxon term meaning to choke, or strangle, and that is exactly what it does – it chokes the joy of living right out of its victim. And it chokes off the energy to improve one’s condition.

There is a place for healthy concern, but too often our concern turns into fearful worry. And worry, more than the problem, becomes our real enemy.

Some people have worried for so long that they have become good at it. Just as we can become good at any attitude or behavior if we practice it enough, we can also become good at worrying. Worry is habit – a habitual response to life’s problems.

I rather like the attitude of the late United Methodist Bishop Welch. When he reached the age of 101, he was asked if he didn’t think a lot about dying. With a twinkle in his eye, he replied, “Not at all! When was the last time you heard of a Methodist bishop dying at 101?” Maybe one reason for his longevity is that he never developed the debilitating habit of worry.

I wish I could be like a frog, you know, just eat what bugs me. I’m not a frog, but I can still do the next best thing: I can develop a better habit. Instead of reacting to problems with fearful worry, I can practice coming from a place of peace and confidence. In other words, I can develop a habit of practicing calmness in turmoil.

As Harvey Mackey has said, “Good habits are as addictive as bad habits and a lot more rewarding.” And more fun to practice, I might add.

In this case, practice may not make perfect, but I’m sure to be immensely better off.

-- Steve Goodier

image: flickr.com/Kristian Dela Cour

Hammocks and Springboards

I want to make the most of every day. And, like most people, I’ve discovered that one of the things I must do is to keep the past safely in the past lest it affect the present. We know this, don’t we? It means to resolve past guilt, past failures and mistakes so that we can be truly present now.

But that’s not all. What about past successes? What about satisfying achievements and those shining moments of glory? They may be nice to think about, but if I can’t get past them I may still get myself stuck in the past, only in this case, I’m stuck in reliving yesterday. 

I once attended a funeral of a man who unexpectedly died in his 40’s. Friends and family spoke about him. They applauded his athleticism in high school, where he starred on the school football team. They spoke of school records he set. They talked about him with true admiration and even a sense of awe. They spoke about how he could pull his team from the jaws of defeat and win games over and over. 

Yet I noticed that practically nothing was said about his adult life. Nobody spoke about his character or his values or anything they appreciated about him after high school. No one mentioned his work or his hobbies. I had the impression that he stopped really living once he could no longer compete in football. Then he quietly faded into the background. It was as if he felt he could never match the glory days of his youth and, after a couple of decades, he simply went away.

Ivern Ball has said, “The past should be a springboard, not a hammock.” The fact is, to repeatedly relive our finest achievements in our memories is seductive, but that can hold us back as much as reliving our failures.

I once heard a story about the actor Clark Gable. A friend paid Gable a visit one afternoon at the actor’s home. She brought along her small son, who amused himself by playing with toy cars on the floor. He pretended he was racing those cars around a great track, which in reality was an imaginary circle around a golden statuette. The small statue the boy played with was actually the Oscar Clark Gable won for his performance in the 1934 movie It Happened One Night.

When his mother told him the time had come to leave, the little boy asked the actor, “Can I have this?” pointing to the Oscar.

“Sure,” he smiled. “It’s yours.”

The horrified mother objected. “Put that back immediately!” The child did.

Gable argued, “Having the Oscar around doesn’t mean anything to me; earning it does.” I wonder if the actor knew that past success could be a comfortable hammock upon which he may be tempted to rest and felt no need to keep a memento of his past glory.

Biblical wisdom says, “Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago.” You may have learned to let go of past failures and mistakes in order to free the present. But can you loosen your grip on past successes and achievements also? Will your past be a comfortable place to rest or a springboard to something new?

“I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past,” said Thomas Jefferson. I agree. After all, the future, not the past, is where I intend to live the rest of my life.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Rameez Sadikot

A Recipe for “Success”

Do you know what you really need? I’m not talking about material things. I mean, what do you need to make your life all you want it to be?

Author Stephen Covey says that people all share a few essential needs: the need to live, the need to love, the need to learn and the need to leave a legacy.

When he says we need to live, he is not talking about physical health. It’s certainly important to breathe, but in many ways it may be even more important to live a full and whole life. Indian mystic Osho says, “The real question is not whether life exists after death. The real question is whether you are alive before death.” A question I ask myself is, “Am I just going through the motions or am I really living my life?” I don’t want to live on the outside while I'm dying, little by little, on the inside.

Covey also says we need to love. And I believe we also need to be loved. Both are important. I am coming to appreciate that my relationships with other people may be the most significant reason for either my happiness or my unhappiness throughout my life. Studies show that social connection is vital if we are to be happy.

Then Covey tells us that we need to learn. And learning does not stop once we leave school and enter the workforce. I don’t ever want to stop growing and, hopefully, improving. I want to be a life-long learner. There is so much to discover in the world; I am saddened I can only learn the smallest fraction of it in one lifetime.

Finally, we need to leave a legacy. It’s not about leaving money. I want my life to count for something, even if it seems small in comparison to some others. I truly appreciate this thought often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson. It may be that he did not actually pen these words, but they are nevertheless wise and worth repeating.

 “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a little bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

How do you measure up? Are you living fully, loving completely, learning constantly and planning to leave a worthwhile legacy?

This is a recipe for “success” in the truest form of the word.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/EvaSwensen

“I Gave Her My Dream…”

Esther Kim forfeited her chance to be a champion in order to claim an even sweeter victory - a victory of the heart. This is her story.

Esther competed against her childhood friend, Kay Poe, in the U.S. Olympic Trials for her sport of Taekwondo. Esther lost the match, but she went on to win all her other fights, which still qualified her for the finals.

Her friend Kay also won her successive matches. But in her last fight before the finals, disaster struck. Kay dislocated her knee and went down in great pain. Her knee was reset as she lay in agony on the mat. All the while, her friend Esther encouraged her from the sidelines to finish the fight. Courageously, Kay finally stood up and, on one good leg, concluded the match for a win.

The only contestants now remaining were Kay Poe, with an injured leg, and her friend, Esther Kim. One woman would be chosen from these trials for the Olympic team. “I looked at her with one good leg against me with two good legs,” Esther Kim recalled, “and I said, ‘It’s not fair!’”

On the spot, Esther made a hard decision. She forfeited the match to her friend Kay, whose leg was sure to be fully healed for the 2000 Olympic Games. Thanks to a free ticket from the U. S. Olympic Committee to Sydney, Australia, Esther was able to watch and cheer from the stands.

“This was our dream, going to the Olympics,” Esther said. “It’s so hard!” I have cried about it.” But Esther discovered something important. “I gave her my dream,” she said, “but for the first time ever, I feel like a champ.” Esther Kim won a victory far greater than one fought on the mats. She won a victory of the spirit, which qualifies her as a true champion.

As Kay Poe’s father remarked, “The champions aren’t always the ones who have all the medals.” No, sometimes they are cheering from the sidelines. For success and winning is often about victories won in the hidden recesses of the heart. And in the end, no other kind of victory is nearly as satisfactory.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Marc

Magic Keys to Living with Integrity

“Learn to say no,” said Charles Spurgeon. “It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.” These days we can get along amazingly well without being able to read Latin. But we absolutely need to learn to say no, and more importantly, when to say it.

One educator used to say that no society can last long unless it has a quorum of “unpurchasable people.” These are people of principle who cannot be bought; people who have learned to say no. These so-called unpurchasable people are those rare souls we can absolutely trust. They are glue that holds society together.

Whitney Seymour, in the book Making A Difference, tells us of such an unpurchasable man. This man was a Union general in charge of the occupied territory surrounding New Orleans toward the end of the American Civil War. He was pressed by local plantation owners to permit them to haul their cotton to the wharves in order for it to be sold for shipment to England. The general controlled all the wagons and horses, and his orders from high command in Washington were clear. He was not to let the cotton crop get to market.

One day, however, two Southern ladies were ushered into the general’s office - a “grande dame” and a beautiful young companion. The older lady came right to the point. She said that the landowners needed the temporary use of transport facilities to move their cotton. The North did not wish to force England into the war, she argued, and was allowing some merchant ships to slip through the blockade. Therefore, the Union would not be opposed to the sale of cotton for English textile mills. To show her gratitude she handed over $250,000 in gold certificates. “And if you need other inducements, this young lady will supply them,” she added. They departed, leaving behind a distressed general holding the beautiful young woman’s address.

The general immediately dispatched this message to Washington: “TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I have just been offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen to betray my trust. I am depositing the money with the Treasury of the United States, and request immediate relief from this command. They are getting close to my price.”

Many others may have fallen for the seductive offer. And though his decision was no doubt difficult to make, how much harder might his life have eventually become had he gone the other way? 

Author W. Clement Stone speaks of magic keys that unlock a trustworthy life. He says, “Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”

And integrity is what it’s about, isn’t it? 

A life of integrity usually begins with the magic keys of saying no to compromise, facing the truth and doing what is right, even when it is difficult. 

It’s been said that if you have integrity, nothing else matters. But it’s also true that if you don’t have integrity, nothing else matters.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Alan Levine

A Simple Habit That Can Change Everything

Do you remember the story of the sailor who over-imbibed and fell asleep at his table? His buddies smeared a bit of strong smelling cheese dip on his mustache, which caused him to wake up and look around. He sniffed and then walked outside, sniffed again and came back in, walked out and back in one more time and finally sat down in his seat. “It’s no use,” he said to his friend, “the whole world stinks.”

Ever felt that way? We have all experienced bad days and horrible situations. We’ve felt trapped, helpless and, at times, hopeless. And sometimes it seems that the whole world stinks.

But I heard of one woman who learned never to view things that way. She grew up in extreme poverty and had every reason to think that her world, at least, stinks. But as a girl, she was privileged to be in a Sunday School class taught by a young woman named Alice Freeman. Freeman was later to become president of Wellesley College at age 26. (As an aside, she would later marry and become known as Alice Freeman Palmer, a renown advocate for education for women.) But let me continue with the little girl’s story.

One Sunday, Freeman asked the children to find something beautiful in their homes, and then tell the other children about it the next week. The following Sunday, when the little girl was asked what she found that was beautiful at home, she thought of her impoverished condition and replied, “Nothing. There’s nothing beautiful where I live, except...except the sunshine on our baby’s curls.”

Years later, long after Alice Freeman Palmer’s untimely death, her husband George was lecturing at a university in the western United States. He was approached by a distinguished looking woman who fondly recalled that, as a child, she attended his wife’s Sunday School class. Then she related this story:

“I can remember that your wife once asked us to find something beautiful in our homes, and that I came back saying the only beautiful thing I could find was the sunshine on my sister’s curls. But that assignment your wife made was the turning point in my life. I began to look for something beautiful wherever I was, and I’ve been doing it ever since.” 

That one simple act, repeated every day, became a powerful means of lifelong transformation for that woman.

If you have been thinking your “whole world stinks,” the daily habit of looking for something beautiful can help you see the good that actually exists wherever you are. You’ll see beauty that others miss. And you’ll never view your life the same again. 

It’s a simple habit that can change everything.

-- Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/zehhhra

Pausing to Say WOW!

I recall a story about Noah Webster (of dictionary fame), who suddenly found himself one day in an embarrassing situation. He was caught kissing the maid in the kitchen pantry by none other than his wife.

“Why Noah!” she exclaimed. “I’m surprised!”

Always the semanticist, Noah replied, “No, my dear, you’re amazed. I’m surprised!”

No, I don’t know how they ever resolved that situation. And we all know that not every surprise is a happy incident. But I also know that I enjoy my life more when it’s punctuated by little surprises and, even more importantly, by happy moments of genuine amazement.

The poet Rumi once said, “Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.” Yes, bewilderment. Or buy wonder. Or an occasional dose of awe. 

One parent told about moving from a farmhouse into a new house in town. The children were delighted. Early the next morning, the 3 ½ -year-old ran into his parent’s bedroom to wake them up. He couldn’t wait to explore. Mommy dressed him and told him to play in the yard.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back. “Mommy, Mommy, everybody has doorbells - and they all work!"

Welcome to town. And as amazing as it seems, most of those doorbells really do work.

I’d like to get hold of some of his bewilderment and wonder. Life really can be amazing when we slow down enough to consider it.

Have you noticed? People are aching to enjoy life more. But it’s not too much to hope for to imagine that they can actually look forward to each day with genuine anticipation. Especially if they form the habit of looking for wonders everywhere they are. The world is full of amazing people and wondrous spectacles. 

I don’t want a day to pass without pausing at least once to say WOW.

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Torbein Rønning

How Is Your "Wait Training" Coming Along?

Perhaps you can relate. One man was to meet his wife downtown and spend some time shopping with her. He waited patiently for 15 minutes. Then he waited impatiently for 15 minutes more. He didn’t have a way to contact her.

He began to pace. Seeing one of those old-timey photograph booths nearby (the kind that accepts coins into a slot and takes four shots while you pose on a small bench), he had an idea. He assumed the most ferocious expression he could manage, which wasn’t difficult under the circumstances, and in a few moments he was holding four small prints that shocked even him.

He wrote his wife’s name on the back of the photographs and handed them to a clerk behind the desk. “If you see a small, dark lady with brown eyes and an apologetic expression, apparently looking for someone, would you please give her this?” he asked.

He then returned to his office content that, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then four photos must be a full-blown lecture.

His wife saved those pictures. She carries them in her purse now. Shows them to anyone who asks if she is married… 

How are you with patience? One person calls it “wait training.” Most of us do our fair share of waiting most every day. We wait for people. We wait on traffic and we wait in lines. We wait for the big event. We wait to hear about a new job. We wait to complete school or to retire. We wait to grow up or for maturity in a child. We wait for a decision to be made. 

Patience is an essential quality of a happy life. After all, some things are worth waiting for. As Arnold Glasow reminds us, “You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” Every day presents plenty of opportunities for wait training.

It’s our choice: we can resent waiting, accept it or try to get good at it. But one thing is certain – we will never avoid it. 

How is your wait training coming along?

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Never Edit

The Person in a Different Skin

A woman shopping for groceries noticed an employee, a teenager, staring at her and her two small children. She was used to the attention, as both of her children were adopted and looked vastly different from each other. One had the dark chocolate skin of her Haitian parents and the other, a boy who hailed from Russia, was lightly complected with blonde hair. “Those your kids?” the youth eventually asked.

The proud mother answered, “Yes, they are!”

“They adopted?” he continued.

“Yes.”

“I thought so,” he surmised. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”

I don’t imagine the young man meant any disrespect; it was an observation. He was struck by the age difference between the children and their mother, but didn’t seem to give much regard to what would have seemed obvious to others - the different races of the children. I find it gratifying in that our world has been shaped far too long by values we place on skin color.

I’m reminded of an email I received from a reader, Jeanne Green, who told me she is Caucasian and is married to a man of another race. They raised two mixed-race children, a boy and a girl. Their girl had no problem growing up biracial, but it was more difficult for her boy. He wrote a paper in school about living in a world that too often only pays attention to color.

"I am a person who was born to live in a skin with a different color from yours.

Thus, the color pigments embedded by the unchangeable hands of nature in your skin are perchance white while mine are black or brown or yellow.

But underneath I am just like you.

My muscles ripple in the same waves of power and thrill to the same throb of joyous action.

My mind has the same functions as yours.

I reach out, just the same as you do, in aspirations of the soul.

I love and hate, hope and despair, rejoice and suffer along with you. 

When my children lose their fair chances at life and become aware of the bitter road of prejudice they must tread, then I know what my color has cost. 

I offer you my hand in rebuilding an unjust world that you and I can make better than we found it. 

I am the person in a different skin." 

Mahatma Gandhi accurately said, “Our ability to reach unity in diversity will be the beauty and the test of our civilization.” My only question is, will we pass that test?

--Steve Goodier

Image: flickr.com/Defence Images (used by permission)